Big dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Big dilemma
6
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 5:58pm

Hello everyone...

I figured this board would be the most appropriate for my topic...

I have met someone, thru a chatroom...the scenario is however I created a profile in that chatroom to catch a former boyfriend of mine and well, accidentally stumbled onto this random man who has turned out to be pretty darn impressive and incredible. The kicker is-he believes I'm someone else- in looks anyway. I used my cousin's pictures in the profile and now he believes that I look like her. Of course I know he's fallen for my personality. We email and IM a lot and have even talked on the phone. I feel so incredible awful about all of it though b/c it's not real and despite the fact of me knowing that I can't help but feel that I'm falling for him as well. He is everything that my former SO was not and though I do not feel that I'm attracted to the chatroom guy physically, we have created a friendship that I have come to value.

The thing is...I know this can't continue. I am playing with his feelings and it's wrong and unforgiveable. I just don't know how to end it without causing him too much pain. I know I have to end it b/c I've lied to him and I also know that despite how a person feels for your personality, if they picture you a certain way, they fall for that first and foremost. Unfortunately, I look nothing like my cousin- who's blonde hair with blue eyes...I'm the total opposite. I don't feel this man would be as attracted to me as he is her pictures. I have even thought about coming clean with him just to see if he would first and foremost, forgive me and secondly be attracted to me b/c in a weird way I would really love to meet him in person and see how we relate...though I don't imagine how that would be possible after all I've shared with him and lied to him about.

Please know that I already feel awful, low, and horrible about this whole situation. The thought of losing his friendship and what has become of us hurts me to no end but the thought of me hurting him as well makes me feel even worse. I am hoping you all have some suggestions about how I should handle this. I know after that is said and done I need to work on my self esteem and person in a tremendous way as well.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate your input.

-Courtnee

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: courtnee77
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 6:14pm

I would send him an email explaining the circumstances and apologizing for the deception, then leave it up to him as to whether he wants to continue to get to know you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
In reply to: courtnee77
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 6:15pm
If you haven't met, how could you hurt him? It's just an online deal - nothing more. I say own up to what ya did and see what happens. Tell him the truth. It's the only way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: courtnee77
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 6:37pm

Courtnee:
My advice:

Come clean. If he rejects you its most likely because of the lie. Lesson learned and you've really lost nothing if you've not met yet.

If he doesn't reject you then you will have learned more about him. (Keep in mind however that it wont make him the bad guy if he rejects you). No one likes to be lied to off the bat and that sends red flags to people as well. Rehearse a lil your explanation. I'd to it in an email so you can be precise, concise, and explanatory to your heart's content without being shut down.

He obviously means something to you for you to be in a dilemma over this.

good luck to you as i think you the type to learn from something and that is a good thing.

Update us as I have no life right now =)(bills paid tho::whew::)
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: courtnee77
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 6:58pm
If you are to the point of talking on the phone you need to come clean. Tell him why you did it, that it's your cousins picture and that you never really expected to talk to someone like him...it was foolish to do but you need to come clean. You can't keep lying to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
In reply to: courtnee77
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 3:57pm
I agree with Sniffle Sally - just tell him you never expected this to happen and you are sorry but you wanted to be honest.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: courtnee77
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 12:45am

Hi Court,

Way agree with everyone here, honesty is the best policy. If he vaporizes on you, then you have learned not to do that again, and next time, would probably dime out the truth lots sooner. Lesson learned, move forward.

Don't kick your own buns quite so hard, either. You did not start out to deceive him, were on there for other purposes...which btw, try not to do That kinda thing again either. I can tell you, at 48, that these little things we all do, sometime in our lives, for whatever adverse reasons, almost Always backfire on you, or leave you feeling worse about yourself, in the long run.

"Do Nothing and Have Nothing To Regret"--old Japanese proverb I live by...if you think you want to call more than twice, if you think you want to call after 3 martinis, if you think you want to follow him to see where he goes on Saturday night...You might be Regretful. Next time, your best 'revenge' for an old date/boyfriend is to move on with pride and have a good life. Let Karma take care of the rest!

Email this guy with the whole truth and nothing but, the sooner the better. That is The most respectful and caring thing you could Do for him.

Good luck!

Truly,
Cupcake