This bites

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
This bites
31
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:59pm

Y'all know I really liked the guy. But he's just not ready for what I want and I think he seriously misled me. So I had to send this email - it sucks but I gotta do what I gotta do. We were just short of 2 months. I thought about doing this by phone or in person, but I really don't want to see/hear his reaction. He can either get back to me or ghost. Whatever.

.....

So here’s the thing. I know you said it seemed soon for me to bring up talk of being exclusive, but, you still supposedly agreed to it. Ten days later not only is your profile still up but you’re also "active within 24 hours". This is exactly the kind of game I don’t have the time or energy for. All I needed was to know if we were on the same page, and obviously we’re not.

I do like you enough to not completely write you off. But at the moment you don’t seem interested in pursuing a relationship with me beyond casual convenience. (Which, by the way, would have been fine if you had been honest instead of giving me the false hope that it could have been more.)

So if at some point you decide you do want more and are ready/willing/able to get real with me, let me know and we can give it a shot and see if it works out. For my part, I’ll leave the possibility open. I do think we clicked pretty well and I’d like to think it’s just a matter of the timing not being quite right.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 8:31am

Thanks everyone!! To answer some of your questions...

amjay: Was being online the only thing that prompted your email, or did something else happen? ...I got the general HJNTIY vibe. Calls & contact few & far between, no contact whatsoever on v'day (not even to say hi or reply to *MY* message), keeps talking about introducing me to friends or taking me certain places but not DOING it, etc. Talk is cheap and his actions didn't measure up. I don't have the energy to continue getting emotionally involved while I wait & wonder, BTDT & learned from it.

LG: And you'd really take the guy back? Doesn't that make you feel like the backup plan? ...Yeah, IF he really thinks I'm as "all that" as he said I am, he'll come around. If not, at least I'm not sitting around waiting for it. And I don't mind being the "backup plan", if someone takes a little longer to realize they're interested, so be it. Seems to me a fact of OLD, and/or dating in general. Sometimes I wasn't interested in someone right away but realized it later.

Cupcake: I think their curiosity and ego lead them back to 'just look' and it 'means nothing' but, wow, Try to explain that to your Feelings/Emotions when you See them back there! ....Yeah, but whether it means anything to him, it means something to me, which is why being exclusive, profiles down, was an explicit *condition* of moving forward. Feelings, a bit hurt yeah, but I would be horny enough to overlook it LOL, if I didn't have the sense to go with the FACTS on this one.

Thanks again all... more later, I gotta get to work. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:22am

I'm coming in late to this but saw your answers to the questions. Especially after reading what you said to amjay's question, I think that your reaction was right. I understand too how it is so much easier to do it on email! :-)

I'm really sorry you are feeling down right now. I do hope he comes to his senses and realizes that he is missing out on something great. If not, you will pick up and move on. Keep us informed on how it goes!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:54am

Phoenix, I understand better now why you sent that email. IMHO, it was a straight forward, mature message. I really hope, for your sake, that he shows some maturity as well! But I don't know, following all your posts about this fellow, I have a feeling you are too good for him. Time will tell.

Good luck, and definitely let us know how things fare.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:03am

Well, if it's any consolation I'm also in the process of receiving the HJNITY vibes from someone whom I really liked, but it's still early in the game.

I'd truly have flushed the guy after no contact on Vday though. Even someone whom I just met sent me a happy vday email on vday. What a freakin jerk this guy is for you - get rid of him kiddo.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:26am

Couple more quick notes...


peanut: I truly applaud your courage to end this. Do you know how many women would go into denial or rationalize why it was still up.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:01am

Oh, PM, I'm sorry to hear that! I think you did the right thing, FWIW.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:39pm
That really does bite, and there is no question that you did the right thing. Onward and upward!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 1:18pm

If you respond to an email via your personal email acct- it says you are active.

You don't even have to actually go to match.com to log in, look, browse, etc.

If you send a 'Thanks, but no Thanks' response to a match.com generated email, you are shown as online.

**Edited out cause I saw the answer above***

Personally, after 2 months I think the guy deserves a real conversation. In person, or over the phone at the least.




Edited 2/18/2005 1:21 pm ET ET by theclevergirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 4:40pm

The clevergirl is correct when she says that at least he should have been told over the phone or in person, but I also agree with the way pheonixmama handled it. From my experience, he probably would have been able to make up an excuse about why it is showing him as active within 24 hours. Deep down she knows that the excuse will come and doesn't want to play into his game, therefore, she just did what she had to do. If he had held up his end and been honest with her, I'm sure she would have done things differently. We all get that feeling in our gut that tel s us something is not right. I had that feeling with my ex, and I also did it through IM, because I didn't want to hear the excuses or the problems that computers have. I am not a computer scientist but I do know it takes a person to control what happens (if profiles are up or not).

I wish pheonixmama the best of luck in her search for mr. next!

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 5:08pm

Being able to end something