This bites

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
This bites
31
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:59pm

Y'all know I really liked the guy. But he's just not ready for what I want and I think he seriously misled me. So I had to send this email - it sucks but I gotta do what I gotta do. We were just short of 2 months. I thought about doing this by phone or in person, but I really don't want to see/hear his reaction. He can either get back to me or ghost. Whatever.

.....

So here’s the thing. I know you said it seemed soon for me to bring up talk of being exclusive, but, you still supposedly agreed to it. Ten days later not only is your profile still up but you’re also "active within 24 hours". This is exactly the kind of game I don’t have the time or energy for. All I needed was to know if we were on the same page, and obviously we’re not.

I do like you enough to not completely write you off. But at the moment you don’t seem interested in pursuing a relationship with me beyond casual convenience. (Which, by the way, would have been fine if you had been honest instead of giving me the false hope that it could have been more.)

So if at some point you decide you do want more and are ready/willing/able to get real with me, let me know and we can give it a shot and see if it works out. For my part, I’ll leave the possibility open. I do think we clicked pretty well and I’d like to think it’s just a matter of the timing not being quite right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:08am

<>

I know what you mean. I'm the worst at breaking up with someone. Fortunately (?) I have a lot more experience being the dumpee. When I want to cut someone loose, my usual modus operandi has been just to stop returning calls. But that's really lame, especially if you've been seeing someone for a month or more (actually that's how the last guy dumped me, the jerk :). I'm getting better at being open with someone re my feelings, but I really admire you for sending that email. And thank God for email. It does make this stuff a little easier. Still working on the face to face stuff :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:47pm

I know what you mean - I'm a chicken in person with stuff. But ya know, they probably have a point - and it's something I'm gonna remember for the future. Cuz it's good advice, and something I'll try to do someday, if the situation arises. (or at least over the phone)

hugz




Edited 2/19/2005 3:48 pm ET ET by city_gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:01am

The best thing about the email "break up" is that you can really say what you want, and think about it for HOURS, make sure you say it right, and get it ALL!

Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 5:19pm

Everyone here seems to agree with your decision, and I don't mean to disagree or anything, but here's what I think. 2 months isn't that long yet to become exclusive, and who knows why he was "active within 24 hours" - He might be trying to stop the subscription, he might be sending out the "thanks, but no thanks" email to someone who recently winked at him, he might be afraid of putting all eggs in one basket and wanted to talk with someone else, too, just to be on the safe side. It doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, and yes, I've experienced this frustration, too, with my guy, but you can't really control his behavior or what he has in his mind. Some guys are very slow to go to the next level. In the past, I dated with a guy I met online for over one year before we finally kissed! He may not be ready to become exclusive with you yet. I think instead of writing him off, you could have simply said that you wanted to be exclusive with him and wanted him to have profile taken off or unsubscribe or whatever. Unfortunately OLD is a place people can play games, and I also logged in AFTER I started sleeping with my guy, not because I wanted to flirt with many guys but because I was afraid of just focusing on him, while I wasn't still quite very sure about him. Does that mean I don't care for him or I don't think he's very important to me? No.

I think you should be a little more patient with him and see what it'll take you. Again, 2 months doesn't sound long enough to ask him to be exclusive. Instead of slamming the door, you could have just said what you wanted him to do and asked what he would think. Just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 5:29pm
I have also found that "active within 24 hours" to be misleading - I went in to cancel an uncoming payment and it showed me as active. Could he have been checking on you? You're now showing up as active too

MS
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:10pm

>>"Again, 2 months doesn't sound long enough to ask him to be exclusive. Instead of slamming the door, you could have just said what you wanted him to do and asked what he would think."

That's exactly what I did. I know 2 months doesn't seem like that long to want to be exclusive, but the fact is that we discussed it and his words agreed to it and his actions didn't. If he wasn't ready to be exclusive, that's all he had to say and I could have waited it out a bit. But I have no time for someone who wants to say one thing and do another, wants to have his cake & eat it too. And I AM leaving the door open, I specifically said that if he wants to get real he is welcome to get in touch.

He wrote this back to me: "Hmm, checking up on me, huh. Thats fine I think that yes you are probably looking for more out of this than me. I was up to seeing what happened, but oh well. Keep in touch and we'll see what happens I guess."

So I wrote back: "In my experience, "see what happens" doesn't work - it's very basic, either you know what you want and MAKE it happen, or not. Like I said, if you're willing to give it an honest try and stop checking out other people long enough to find out how compatible WE are, THEN let me know if you can bring it. "I guess I'm just used to things progressing a little faster." :P"

(That last line is something he said to me when he was trying to get more physical than I was comfortable with. Turnabout is fair play, right?)

I have no problem insisting that someone either be true to THEIR OWN WORDS or take a hike. If he's not ready for more, he can go find himself someone else who will settle for less, because it won't be me. I spent almost 4 years with a guy who just wanted to "see what happens" - big surprise - nothing. And I'm not going to go open-eyed right into the same situation. My 4-1/2-year-old son likes to test the limits to see what I'll let him get away with - I don't have to tolerate a grown man doing that same sh!t.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:16pm

>>"Could he have been checking on you? You're now showing up as active too. Way too much room for miscommunication the way they have the system configured."

My profile still exists but is no longer searchable. His still is. Period. I'm sure there are several possible excuses but I don't buy any of them.

Any Ani Difranco fans in the house?? Here's a few lyrics off the new album that just fit this situation so well...

ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit
for once I had the balls to call it - just call it
but a lesson must be lived in order to be learned
and the clarity to see & stop this now, that is what I've earned...
and I realize it doesn't bother me, and heartache not so dire
cause I looked up to see integrity finally won over desire

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 9:21pm

You absolutely did the right thing...if he didn't want to be exclusive, he shouldn't have AGREED to be exclusive! It's that simple! And what a LAME response to you.

I *love* Ani...she always has incredible lyrics (to this day, I think "Dilate" is the best break up album ever). I'd read that her new album was very good...I need to check it out, but for sure those lyrics hit home here...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:14am

Good job Phoenixmama....

and you’re right; when you agree to take down your profiles you do just that. I think those that have been doing OLD or have been single a while and finally meet someone you want to give it a go with can’t wait to take it down; I knew I coudn’t. The desire to keep searching and having my profile searchable, no thank you! If you do that means you have some serious doubts and early on like 2 months when it’s still new isn’t a good sign. At least he didn’t deny it; he just basically reconfirmed that he was on and you caught him in the act!

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phoenixmama
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:49am

>>"I think those that have been doing OLD or have been single a while and finally meet someone you want to give it a go with can’t wait to take it down; I knew I coudn’t."


Thank you Peanut!!