bittersweet result - still lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
bittersweet result - still lost
2
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 7:11pm

Hi,

Just wanted to give you guys some updates. We finally had "the talk." I asked him yesterday that, given the circumstances, if he thinks of us as having the potential of having a real relationship one day (as suggested by someone on this board). His reaction: "oh no... why do you have to ask...? :(" He said that it's been bothering him for some time (He indeed looked troubled, and sad) He said that he finds me amazing, that he is certain that he will fall in love with me soon if we keep on seeing each other, that he can tell I am the kind of woman that he'd want to marry one day, and that's why he's been hesitating about whether to develop something deeper. He said that he realizes he'd have to make a choice someday if things keep going well between us, and the thought of him quitting his career eventually, if he wants to marry me, though frightening, has also occurred to him. I know it all sounds very premature to be talking about marriage at this stage, but considering our situation, I think it's necessary that we think about the implications of being together. He is afraid of getting hurt, or hurting me, or wasting my time. I told him that I'd never ask that of anyone (to quit their job for me) but I completely understand what he said, because I feel exactly the same way about him. I can picture me and him fitting very well together if things were different. I could feel his affections towards me, but until last night I had no idea that they were this strong. So, the good thing is that I think we are on the same page, but the bad thing is that we both don't know what to do about it. I can't imagine him quitting his job, and I really don't want to put him in that situation. I know our development now is probably beyond the topic of online dating, but I still hope that someone can tell me if it's worth it to go on.

At this point we both want to be with each other, both feel that the fate is playing a big joke on us, both can foresee possible heartbreaks in the future, but both are now questioning what's more important in life. I told him I was looking for a long-term relationship hopefully leading to marriage, but now that I met him, I don't know anymore. He is the same way. He said he was looking to settle down, but after having met me, realized that I am someone that he might want to settle down with. I cautiously regarded it as infactuation when he told me that he doesn't think he could be happier with anyone else. But even so, he said the decision about his job is too huge and he cannot make that right now (he is pretty high up in the hierarchy, and takes pride of his job), which is totally reasonable. I told him that we only live once, so maybe we should just enjoy the present and not think about the future for now. What I didn't say is that there is always a possibility that I might want him enough later on to decide that what matters most is finding a soulmate, partner in life, with or without the formality of marriage (at least it'd only be for 7 or 8 years until I become a citizen). I know it might be wishful thinking, or a big gamble with too much on the stake. I don't think we can know if we're truly compatible with each other without dating for at least 1 or 2 years so now the question is, should we give it some time, and then decide what we want to do, or should we call it quit now before falling in love with each other? The topic of "exclusivity" never came up - I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous but I didn't find it necessary... When I asked him what his expectations are for us, and whether he wants just a casual relationship since it's so complicated, he said that a casual relationship will not work for him. Well, nor for me. I was surprised to learn that we have such similar outlooks in terms of relationship (both "givers"). I have never thought that I could find this kind of connection online, but it's happening now, however bitter-sweet it is.

J.




Edited 2/13/2006 8:39 pm ET by jjjj2004
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 7:51pm

Hi there, I missed this post until now. I think it sounds as positive as it can, under the circumstances. Why not at least give it 4-6 months (which is about the amount of time it takes for the "real" person to start coming out, as opposed to the "best foot forward dating persona") and see what happens?

If you decide to keep seeing him, however, I would talk to him about exclusivity at *some* point...it's never a good idea to make assumptions about that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:56am

Hi Sheri,

You're absolutely right. I'll follow (both of) your advices, if we continue seeing each other. I told him last time that it's his call whether he wants to continue or stop right there - I have this bad tendency of letting people take control and decide for me. I'm avoiding the hard work, I suppose. I think if it was left for me to decide, though, I'd probably want to give it a shot. I already stated my position to him that future heartbreaks don't scare me away, so it's really up to him now. Whatever it is, I think I'll be fine. We women are just stronger, I think. ;)

I won't be doing anything tonight due to work but I want to wish everybody a very happy Valentine's Day!

Jess