Blow off confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Blow off confusion
20
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:57pm

Hi!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 4:51am

Nope - march on to the next one. Don't ignore these early signs that the guy has his attention elsewhere. Just find another person online.


PS - 2 weeks is too long to be emailing - that's the first red flag -

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:44am

LG - I don't think 2 weeks is a long time to email, some people just take longer to feel comfortable talking to someone and then moving on to the phone or meeting. Why rush it really? I don't want to speak or meet with someone until I know they are "normal" and not pyscho. I emailed a guy for a week and met with him fairly quickly, turned out to be a freak and stalked me. Sorry, I'm not going through that again. I get irritated when I hear people say on this board "You talked for too long." Yes maybe for your time frame, but not for others. Granted a couple months is pushing it, you should feel comfortable by then. But 2 weeks? I'm a busy woman anyways, my calendar is pretty full most of the time. As long as you don't get emotional attached, I see nothing wrong with waiting 2 weeks.

Sparkle, I wouldn't worry too much. If he seriously was turned off by a voicemail, he wasn't worth it to begin with. Some people just aren't "breezy" on the phone. = ) See if he emails you today, if not..NEXT!

Layx2

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:04am

Nope, it's not the voicemail. How do I know? Because I used to be the Queen of Dorky Voicemails, LOL, and if a guy was interested he would STILL return the message, dorky VM notwithstanding. Odds are, like LG said, there is someone else - or he is a flake. If he does call, hear him out and ask about it.

About the voicemails - what helped me was to take a moment before I place a call to think about what I want to say if I get VM - I still leave the occasional rambling message but I am much better now.

One more thing - this is not what you asked about but if you don't mind I'll throw it out there . . . I know you said that you don't enjoy meeting strangers. However, if you maintain that viewpoint I don't know how much luck you will have with OLD b/c that is what it is all about. How 'bout if you try to change the way you view it to something positive - think of a meeting as a chance to learn a little bit about someone else, to make a new friend, to try a new coffee drink ;), etc.?

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:44am

People still think emailing back and forth is "getting to know someone". This is simply untrue. Emailing prior to meeting is strictly the second screening process, the first being their profile.

You say you emailed someone for a week and he turned out to be psycho. There is little chance that you would have found this out about him prior to meeting, as weirdos tend to be very plausible until met in person. How else can they get dates?

Online dating is all about connecting with total strangers, meeting and finding out if there's a match. Until the first meeting takes place, you can never know about a person's character no matter how many months are spent emailing.

The other danger with prolonged emailing is that, in fact, one DOES get attached. How can you help it, when you seemingly get along so well and enjoy yourself so much? This has happened to me, twice (I don't always follow my own advice!).

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 11:13am

Update-


I got an email from him late last night.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 11:26am

Yes, of course you need to do what's comfortable for you. People are only trying to point out that, in the board's collective experience, emailing extensively before meeting almost always ends up having a negative effect (because you get attached and have a false sense of "knowing" the person before meeting, which can lead to a lot of hurt and disappointment if things don't work out when you meet or after a few dates). It's not a "rule" so much as it is sharing what has worked and not worked for people who have a lot of experience doing OLD.

If you feel more comfortable waiting, then that's what you need to do. But I'd suggest that you limit the number of emails you exhange (e.g. only write every 2-3 days or so) to avoid the attachment issue.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:44pm

I think there are very general guidelines that people like to share on the board but I guarantee that people have gone against those guidelines and been successful. Matter of fact, when I was rather young (19) I had started chatting and talking on the phone with this guy from AOL and this lasted for over a YEAR, we finally met and dated for almost 4 years (1.5 years long distance) and we almost married (I broke it off because I felt I was too young to be married). I think dating is more a matter of luck (or fate if you believe in that) and two people finding each other and connecting than it is a series of rules, for every person that has had luck one way there are others who have had luck doing something different.

I may be an exception but with my experience in OLD (several years off and on), when I have found chemistry over the phone or email regardless of how long it went on prior to meeting, I have also found that in person. I met a guy several weeks ago on OLD and tried the quick/no expectations method of not chatting much before meeting, we spoke for all of 5 minutes and shared only several very brief emails during the course of a week prior to meeting. When we met I didn't feel a spark and felt very indifferent about meeting him in the beginning because I didn't know much about him at all. On the other hand, I have been talking with another guy for a little over two weeks and we are meeting on Sunday and I am actually looking forward to it because I feel we have a "connection" of sorts and a little more background on each other. Our conversations are nothing heavy, just very casual conversations about everything under the sun and I enjoy talking to him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:50pm

But don't you think you'll be more upset if it doesn't work out with this guy than if you didn't invest so much time and emotional energy prior to meeting? That's the primary reason I don't email too long before meeting.

I would submit that even if you'd talked to the other guy longer, you wouldn't have had a spark. It's either going to be there or it's not, IMO...how long you talk (or don't talk) doesn't matter as far as whether a spark exists. The reason NOT to talk for so long is to avoid getting too emotionally invested.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:11pm

I can definitely see the reasoning behind not comunicating at length before meeting someone. For me, for whatever reason, I have found that I tend to talk to guys for a little while before meeting them and haven't yet been dissapointed with a lack of in person chemistry if we decide to meet after a conversation. This guy I met previously and felt no spark with I think I should have talked more with because I think that lack of chemistry would have become apparent in conversations. He also mentioned he'd had over 10 year-long relationships (he was 34) which was a big turn off to me and in hindsight if we had talked more that probably would have surfaced prior to us meeting.

As for the guy on Sunday, of course I'll be a little dissapointed if he doesn't work out but I've been dating long enough where I don't get overly-high expectations and dissapointment sort of comes with the territory, anytime you like someone and it doesn't work out there will be dissapointment, I guess I just sort of take that into consideration and just dust myself off and try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:03pm

Hi Sparkle,

I was wondering what had happened to you! I'm glad to hear you are ok. This OLD stuff can be very nerve-racking and not fun at times.

I broke up with the guy I had been seeing since Jan. a couple of weeks ago and started the OLD process again and it isn't thrilling me much either. But I don't have the time to go out and meet guys much, so that is why I decided to do OLD again.

There are no set rules for OLD, but what people share on here are things that they have found work for them. When I found this board I had already done OLD for awhile, yet as I read through the threads, I found out that I had made some of the common mistakes that many people make before they learn how to protect themselves. Yet I know there are exceptions in everything. I posted an article on here yesterday: You met online, will it last? This writer has a different viewpoint from the more common ones on this board, you might want to read it.

But in the end, you have to go with what feels right for you. But try not to email too long if you can before meeting, as it is easy to grow attached to someone then meet them and find out there is no chemistry there and to be very disappointed...been there, done that...

I wish you much luck with your OLD vetures and hope that you start posting more here.

Sunshine

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