a call after the first date

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
a call after the first date
41
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:09pm

About a month ago I got a wink from this great guy I met on Match.com. Last Tuesday we met for the first time for drinks (we are both divorced and in our late 40’s). He was very intrigue by me (that is what he said). He gave me so many compliments, thought I’m a very attractive woman and look much younger than my age. Told me about his parents, brother, son, their names, where they live. Wanted to know all about my kids, parents, their names, where they live etc – we had a lot in common. Said he loved my smile, the smell of my hair (he kept smelling me). He asked me if I’m comfortable, if I want to have dinner with him and order appetizers. He even fed me and said: “don’t you think we have a little chemistry here”. He was looking at me all the whole time and said he fills so great around me that he doesn’t want to leave. He even talked about the future. He escort me to my car and said we will be in touch soon. He gave me a kiss on my lips. The next day (Wednesday), around noon time I sent him an email (via Match) -- thanking him for a great evening and said that I hope we can do it again. Wednesday night he looked at my profile again, but didn’t email me back.

So what is the deal here? I don’t get it. I thought the guy was so into me. Why do you think he didn’t call or email yet – did he lose interest? I’m really confuse. The man was so captivated by me the whole evening – what is going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:37pm

hjntiy, wow, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I still don’t understand why would a guy (he is 50 yrs old) spend 3 hours with a girl he is not interested with. We were supposed to meet for a drink. After finishing the first drink he asked me if I want another and I said no, but he ordered anyway. Also, he kept asking me if he can convince me to have dinner with him at that restaurant or we can go to a different one. I thanked him for the offer and said I’m ok. He ordered a meal anyway and spent over a $100.00. That doesn’t make sense. Obviously, he was trying to impress me – why would you try to impress someone you don’t see a future with?

Why would he say: “in time you will get to know my family better” (after telling me all about them). This statement made me think he is thinking about a future with me. Also he said: “next time I’ll get a pedicure I’ll take you with me to this place next to my house and we will sit next to each other” – these statements are all misleading.

He also said, don’t you think we have a chemistry here? What I’m trying to say here that a man who is not into a woman wouldn’t spend time, money, prolong the date to 3 hours – that is my opinion.

These is very confusing to us girls and wonder if you can bring more clarification to these statements he made. I would love to learn about this reality so the next time it will occur I’ll know what to expect. Thank you so much for all your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:53pm
All that said on a 1st date? Red flags. I didnt realize he was THAT "promising" seeming - thats just too much. I think he was going over the top to "impress you" ... but possibly for other reasons than b/c he wanted to see you again ... I think he was thinking "if I impress her enough & SEEM like I am looking at the future (which, btw, imho, thinking about & talking about a "future" & "meeting family" on the 1st date is a crock) then maybe I will get her into bed".

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:05pm
Rich, I don't believe he thought we will end up in bed. On my Match profile I stated that I'm not the kind who will have a one night stand or a casuall relationship. Also, he was a perfect gentleman. he didnt make any sexuall comments and treated me like a lady.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:14pm

Yeah...you need to take every single thing that comes out of a guy's mouth early on with a BIG huge grain of salt. I would have been sitting there thinking "um, excuse me, mr man, you're making some mighty big assumptions about MY interest in you, plus you barely KNOW me, how on earth do you know if there will be any "in time"?" Future statements like that are a big red flag--he doesn't know you!

Also, why would *you* be thinking that a guy wants a "future" with you when you've only had one date, anyway? That makes no sense to me, unless by "future" you mean another date, LOL.

A good book for you to read is "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It's mainly about commitment issues, but one of the chapters has a great list of red flags to watch out for early on that everyone who dates should read and memorize, IMO. But basically, if he's coming on that strong early on and is SO over the top as this guy was, that's not a good sign.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:25pm

Sheri, thanks for your input. I'm so confused and dont know what to believe anymore. I dont understand how someone can be so genuine and real for 3 hours and doesn't follow through.

I dont see a point in playing games. I will have more respect for someone who is upfront and tells me if he is interested or not and doesnt play games. Than there are no confusions and no one is hurt. Life is too short.

What are your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:48pm

why would you try to impress someone you don’t see a future with?
______________

Well, to get laid, of course.

I didn't really mention it, but I should have- a lot of guys are motivated strictly by the desire for sex. It's just how we are. I'm not proud of it, I'm not ashamed of it, but it's a fact of life.

And while I can hear a lot of you saying "what? who has sex on the first date!?!?" the fact of the matter is that it DOES happen. I have had one-night stands and other guys have too, and even if a guy hasn't had one he probably knows friends of his who have, so he knows it might happen for him, too.

Now, I'm sure some of you might be thinking that you don't want to bother with men at all at this point. I can't blame you, although I would point out that there are a lot of us men who have not wanted to deal with women LOTS of times in our lives.

I feel like that with my own gf, who has that whole "hearing something completely different than what I said" thing. I swear that the other day, when I said her hair was just about the right length (and that's literally what I said) she later accused me of being overly critical about her appearance. What? Critical? I didn't say I didn't like it, but that's what she heard! I roll my eyes and say "women" to myself. :)

What I would say to those who want to give up on men is that hey, it works both ways, and that's what dating is for- spend time with someone, see what they're like, see if they match up with you.

I know a one-night-stand that has turned into a good, ongoing 15 year marriage. I know people who would never have sex until they were married. The point of dating is to try and get to where the people in group A meet each other, and the people in Group B meet each other. When A's date B's, it doesn't work out!

Anyway, that's what your date sounds like. Why would a guy act like that? To try and sweet-talk you out of your panties. I might get kicked out of the GuyClub for this, but I'll tell you what I would tell my sisters: Don't sleep with a guy for at least two or three dates. Find out at least a little bit of what he's like.

Unless, of course, you are desperately horny and need to get laid and don't have any problem with a one-night stand. Then all bets are off.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:07pm

Yes, I'd agree. But you can't force other people to behave the way you'd like them to.

All you can do is chalk this up to experience and move on. Next time, be more skeptical! I think what you meant to say was how can someone **SEEM** so genuine and real (not BE) and not follow up, right ;-)?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:49pm

Sheri, I learned my lesson from this experience. Now, I'm skeptical about the whole "dating online" games. I trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt.... I guess most men dont realize how much it bothers us ladies when they dont follow through with a call or email after such a great first date. I believe they are clueless.

Hjntiy, for future references – How can a lady read between the lines – on a first date, when the chemistry is there and the man seem like he is so much into you – how do one know if this man is truly interested in getting to know you or has a different agenda. I really don’t want to go through this experience again. In this case, I acted and dressed like a classy lady and didnt give him any sexual advances. He was very polite, a total gentleman and didnt make any sexual comments. How do I read between the lines of his agenda. I really thought he was genuinely interested in getting to know me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 4:11am

Hjntiy, for future references – How can a lady read between the lines – on a first date, when the chemistry is there and the man seem like he is so much into you – how do one know if this man is truly interested in getting to know you or has a different agenda.
____________________

Apparently you're not understanding me.

You DON'T try to "read between the lines." There IS no "between the lines" with guys. We will simply show you how "into you" we are over time.

You go out. If a guy seems interested in you, great. If he's into you, he'll call again, and want to go out again. If he's still interested in you and all polite and everything, well, maybe you've got something going. If he asks AGAIN then you'll be that much closer.

The point here is that you're looking for the big secret, the big thing that will tell you which guy is being polite and kind and nice and interested in you on the first date because he just wants to get laid, and which guy is doing those things because he genuinely likes you.

There is no big secret. You just have to see how he continues to act.

If he acts right, then you've got something. If not, you don't. You just can't tell from a single date! If this stuff were that easy, we'd all be hooked up instead of posting on an internet board! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:28am
So hjntiy, why in the world would a guy want to sleep with a woman that he didn't find attractive and if he found her attractive enough to sleep with on the first date (and didn't end up sleeping with her on that date)why in the world wouldn't he want to go out with her again and get to know her better to see if they have compatibility on other levels. Since this is difficult to tell on the first date.