a call after the first date

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
a call after the first date
41
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:09pm

About a month ago I got a wink from this great guy I met on Match.com. Last Tuesday we met for the first time for drinks (we are both divorced and in our late 40’s). He was very intrigue by me (that is what he said). He gave me so many compliments, thought I’m a very attractive woman and look much younger than my age. Told me about his parents, brother, son, their names, where they live. Wanted to know all about my kids, parents, their names, where they live etc – we had a lot in common. Said he loved my smile, the smell of my hair (he kept smelling me). He asked me if I’m comfortable, if I want to have dinner with him and order appetizers. He even fed me and said: “don’t you think we have a little chemistry here”. He was looking at me all the whole time and said he fills so great around me that he doesn’t want to leave. He even talked about the future. He escort me to my car and said we will be in touch soon. He gave me a kiss on my lips. The next day (Wednesday), around noon time I sent him an email (via Match) -- thanking him for a great evening and said that I hope we can do it again. Wednesday night he looked at my profile again, but didn’t email me back.

So what is the deal here? I don’t get it. I thought the guy was so into me. Why do you think he didn’t call or email yet – did he lose interest? I’m really confuse. The man was so captivated by me the whole evening – what is going on?

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:48am

You know, I'm not a guy, but I've noticed that many guys have different standards for women they sleep with & women they date. They seem to be pickier about who they date. Talking to a lot of my guy friends, they said they'd sleep with almost any woman as long as she's not disgusting, but have very high standards for the type of woman they'd date & publicly parade around as their girlfriend.

Am I right guys? Notice I said "many" not "all" because not all guys are like that, but I've noticed a lot of them seem to be. Just don't sleep with a guy right away & that will tell you what you need to know. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:28pm

I certainly can relate to why your experience has left you feeling rather baffled.

My experience with OLD over the last 3.5 years has taught me four things:

1. Go on a date.
2. Have a good time.
3. Live in the moment.
4. Don't *expect* to hear from or speak to the guy again.

OLD is such a meat market and with there being so many dating sites out there, coupled with guys who are on an average of maybe 3 or more, it seems like it's getting harder and harder to establish a true love connection.

So regardless of however flattering a man might be, regardless of how he talks about wanting to see you again, just smile and be gracious. But don't *expect* that he'll follow through. There are just too many flakes out there and for every one good man, there are probably 5 or 6+ flakes. (Totally unscientific, just a guess on my part).

Hope this helps.

~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:49pm

Heymum, I totaly agree with you. These guys on OLD are like a kid in a candy store. I dont believe they can be sincere after having so many choices/options. You can have fun on a date and as much as they like you and the chemistry is there, they will always have in the back of their mind - maybe there is someone else who is younger, better looking or a better fit for me.

There is a say in Hebrew - if you try to catch too many things at the same time you will not catch anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:41pm

These guys on OLD are like a kid in a candy store. I dont believe they can be sincere after having so many choices/options.
_______________________

ITA! Unless a guy has had his fill of *candy* and is ready for just one (instead of all the candy he can get his hands on), it will continue on...

Maybe if we think of each date as an "Extended Speed Date" for the evening, that will help? I suppose the key for us is that no matter what they say or do, have NO expectations beyond that date.

Good luck!

~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:06pm
These guys are like kids in candy stores and I do believe the more choices we have and the more people that do online dating the harder it will get to find that special someone. People have become more and more selective over the years and pretty soon our expectations will be so high that no one will be able to satisfy our needs/desires in a partner. The question is when do these guys just stop looking and try to see that they have someone good in front of them, I think that this goes for women too though.
It is tough, all these "mixed signals", confusion, etc etc make it even tougher in the dating world. Your guess is as good as mine why a guy would come on THAT strong and not be interested. I think sometimes you can tell when someone is just being friendly and not that interested, but to try to get to know someone on a deeper level and make future promises without following up is another story and just strange behavior however you put it. Maybe it is due to just the guy wanting sex like HJNTIY said but I don't think this is ALWAYS the case. Who knows..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:16pm

This is good advice. After my recent experience I am not going to believe anything these guys say right away, because actions speak louder than words. They may seem really interest but are like kids in candy stores. Many of them want to keep you on the back burner while they still shop around. I think that it is sometimes hard for men to see when they have a good woman in front of them till its too late. I have had men call me weeks or months down the road and expect me to be happy to hear from them. Then it is too late.

Karalyn

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:11pm

I think the "live in the moment" and have no expectations is a good life philosophy in general. As I posted before, there is a saying that Expectations are premeditated resentments. There is a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which talks about living in this moment for that is all we have.

I believe actions are more powerful than words so whatever the other person says about the meaningfulness of the relationship, they are all words until the actions reinforce the words or not.

I enjoy the women I meet and enjoy the moments I am with them. I do not see myself romantically involved with these women and we don't talk about that. We enjoy the time together and get together periodically to share activities.

Mark

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:25pm

I think we (meaning guys and gals) approaching dating with differing expectations and assumptions.

Some want a long term relationship.
Some want a one night stand.
Some want friends with benefits.
Some want ...
and it varies what some want depending on how they are feeling at the moment...

So maybe I approach a date with a one night stand in mind but I realize that this woman has high potential in being my life/soul mate that will be the mother of my children (this is theoretical for *I* don't do this).

Or maybe I don't know what I really want but go thru the motions and say the "right" words (again this is a hypothetical scenario since I don't operate like this)...?

My point is that not many people know themselves enough to be in integrity with themselves, i.e. aligning their values with their actions and words, knowing what they want and what their values are, honest enough to reveal who they are rather than trying to pretend to be someone that they think what you want.

I make it a point to find people (men and women) who are self aware and therefore there is a modicum of a chance that they can be honest with themselves and with me.

Make sense?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:47pm

I have to say that women are the same way with how they approach a date. In my experience, it is very rare to be on a date that the gentleman didn't seem totally into me. Seem being the key word here. The most we can all expect on a first date is hopefully a nice time with a pleasant person. Anything else will come,,,or it won't. Time will tell.

There is something I have learned from 20 years experience with dating that I will share. Often when a guy is into a gal, he will leave the date and phone her within a day sometimes from the car on the way home. Then you know that HE had the connection and it just wasn't something that the gal wished into it being a reality. He will seem nervous and insecure..over confidence is rarely a sign of a connection but more a sign of not giving a hoot how it goes.

So yeah, if he didn't call, he wasn't that into you. No big secret. It was just the OPs desire for something to be there that was not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:39pm
ITA with this post. This does happen quite often when the guy realizes what he had and it's just too little to late when he decides to come back after a month or a few weeks go by. It's odd that they think that we really would want to give it another shot after being let down in the first place. I guess some women do take them back though but I never have, not once taken someone back after they decided that they were uncertain about me or didn't put much effort into the relationship.