a call after the first date
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| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:09pm |
About a month ago I got a wink from this great guy I met on Match.com. Last Tuesday we met for the first time for drinks (we are both divorced and in our late 40’s). He was very intrigue by me (that is what he said). He gave me so many compliments, thought I’m a very attractive woman and look much younger than my age. Told me about his parents, brother, son, their names, where they live. Wanted to know all about my kids, parents, their names, where they live etc – we had a lot in common. Said he loved my smile, the smell of my hair (he kept smelling me). He asked me if I’m comfortable, if I want to have dinner with him and order appetizers. He even fed me and said: “don’t you think we have a little chemistry here”. He was looking at me all the whole time and said he fills so great around me that he doesn’t want to leave. He even talked about the future. He escort me to my car and said we will be in touch soon. He gave me a kiss on my lips. The next day (Wednesday), around noon time I sent him an email (via Match) -- thanking him for a great evening and said that I hope we can do it again. Wednesday night he looked at my profile again, but didn’t email me back.
So what is the deal here? I don’t get it. I thought the guy was so into me. Why do you think he didn’t call or email yet – did he lose interest? I’m really confuse. The man was so captivated by me the whole evening – what is going on?

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why in the world would a guy want to sleep with a woman that he didn't find attractive and if he found her attractive enough to sleep with on the first date (and didn't end up sleeping with her on that date) why in the world wouldn't he want to go out with her again and get to know her better to see if they have compatibility on other levels
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That's easy. As someone said, guys have different standards for "sleep with" and "seriously date".
And it's not strictly a "how attractive" kind of thing, either. A guy might be much more into the idea of the LTR or marrying one gal who isn't super-model pretty but who he really fits with and connects to on many levels.
So why would a guy want to sleep with a woman he didn't find all that attractive? Because sex feels good. Because guys grow up with society telling them that they're supposed to be out knocking boots as much as possible. Because some of us just like sex.
You ask why a guy, who thinks a woman is attractive enough to sleep with on the first date but doesn't wind up sleeping with her, why he would then not want to go out again?
Because you're thinking like a woman, not like a guy. For a woman, if she's into a guy enough to think about having sex, but wants to wait, a second date is a guarantee. Typically for women, the things that make them want to have more dates are the things that make them want to sleep with someone.
Guys are different. Not all guys, but many/most of us. We're wired in a way that we can easily think "blech, I don't really want to go out with her again, but I'd do her and if I can get some tonight that would be cool."
What this means, now that I've spilled the secret to you women, is that you should be warned. Just because a guy wants to boink you doesn't mean he wants to go out with you again! Know this and be warned.
This is why/how women will sleep with a guy and then he never calls and she gets all upset and can't understand why he would do that? He slept with her, obviously he was emotionally into her, right? WRONG! He might have just wanted to get some!
Men make their decision about sleeping with someone based on entirely different criteria than women do, and it's important for women to know this.
Personally, I actually find myself waiting longer to have sex with women that I am really feeling connected to and thinking there's a better chance of a LTR with. A gal that I'm not really into, but who I'm sexually attracted to, sure, I'll sleep with her as soon as I can.
Which is why, ladies, it's okay to make men wait... unless you just want to get laid, too. :)
These guys on OLD are like a kid in a candy store. I dont believe they can be sincere after having so many choices/options. You can have fun on a date and as much as they like you and the chemistry is there, they will always have in the back of their mind - maybe there is someone else who is younger, better looking or a better fit for me.
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I disagree with this. I think there are some guys who are like this, but most guys I know would be perfectly happy with that one special someone- once they meet her they just KNOW.
Some of the biggest player types, friends of mine, met that special girl and bang- they were totally into her and throwing away their little black books.
What's more, don't even START with guys about who has the advantage in OLD. There's so many more guys than women on almost all of the sites it's not even funny, and women get many, many more emails, winks, profile views, etc than guys do.
If you don't believe me, do a simple search on Match or something. Put in a two or three year age range and a certain milage around a zip code, and then search as a woman looking for men, and vice versa. You're almost ALWAYS going to see many more guys with ads than you see women.
Guys do have that "looking for something better" thing going on... until they meet the woman that they're THAT INTO. Then all bets are off, and they are a one-woman man forever.
Your guess is as good as mine why a guy would come on THAT strong and not be interested. I think sometimes you can tell when someone is just being friendly and not that interested, but to try to get to know someone on a deeper level and make future promises without following up is another story and just strange behavior however you put it.
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You don't have to guess. I told you. It's to get laid.
Look, here's the deal. For a guy trying to get some, asking about a woman and trying to get to know her on a deeper level is for the purpose of trying to get some. It's not a big deep secret.
Women are different; they'll try to get to know someone on a deeper level simply for the satisfaction of getting to know someone on a deeper level! Guys, on the other hand, have learned that if they act like that- all interested- they'll frequently get some sex.
So that's why they do that- to get some.
The problem, for a woman, is trying to tell the difference between a guy getting to know her because he really IS into her and wants to get to know her, and a guy doing it just to get some.
And the way you tell that is by time. Give it a half-dozen dates. Heavy petting, maybe, serious smooching, a little bump-and-grinding in the dance club... but don't sleep with the guy so soon!
The sad news is there's still some guys who are so into getting sex that they'll play along and STILL ghost on you women. On behalf of guys, I apologize, but there's not a heck of a lot we can do about those creeps.
Sorry HJNTIY, but if it were true that every time a guy met a woman that he was really into he would through all his old phone numbers away and stop hitting on other woman than there wouldn't be so many married men cheating on their wives and divorces. Just because this is the way that you think doesn't mean that every Guy thinks this way. Alot of men want to have their cake and to eat it too. They are like men in candy stores with online dating and many of us woman have experienced this. You are not a woman doing online dating, so you really don't know what it is like for the majority of us. I appreciate your views ans while I do agree with a little of what your saying I also think that every man is different in what they think and their motives.
Karalyn
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This happened to my fiance. When he was on a different dating site, he had send a "liked your profile, let's get acquainted" email to a woman who never emailed him back. Fast forward several months and she sent him an email like no time had passed since his email to her and this time she wanted to get to know him. It was too late. We were already engaged.
BTW, I agree with the kid in the candy store analogy. When you meet somone in person, generally you're just meeting one person, maybe two people, at a time. Decisions are easy. Do you like him? Does he like you? But with OLD, people meet a huge volume of potentially compatible singles in a very short period of time. I have never met so many men or had so many dates as when I was doing OLD. I suspect it's the same thing for the guys. And of course some will hold back and not commit to even a second date (or call after the first date) because they are, as Calgrl said, still looking for someone who is prettier or younger or wealthier or whatever. Some people grow out of this and some obviously don't----I'm thinking of the man who was well into his late sixties who contacted me (I'm mid-forties and specified that I didn't want anyone more than three years older than I am.
I don't know, Calgrl, reading your first post does make it sound like he was into you but his post-date behavior says otherwise. Maybe instead of asking yourself why he isn't into you now---you could ask yourself if you really like him enough to want to see him again. If you don't, at least you had a nice time with a guy.
And maybe, too, he was into instant romance and expected bells and whistles and Cupid's arrow. When that didn't happen on the first date, maybe he lost interest.
Someone wisely on one of these boards said that if a man isn't ready for a LTR, even the most amazing woman he has ever met may not convince him to settle down. He may have thought he was, then decided he wasn't, or maybe he doesn't know what he wants.
Good luck!
Moogie
Haven't read the other posts, when I was dating this happened to me a lot. They spent a LOT of money on a NICE dinner, said things like "we need to go here or there" blah blah blah.....then "poof" they disapear!
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