Can anyone make sense of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Can anyone make sense of this?
7
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 1:03am

A good friend of mine has met a guy she has really flipped over who is 50, has never been married, no kids, and told her he has never had a relationship that lasted over 6 weeks. Early on over drinks, he made her promise that she wouldn't get 'needy' on him. He is successful, attractive and financially stable. She is really falling in love with him, but determined to 'play it cool' which seems to be bringing him around. They have seen each other for around 2 months once a week at the most. She doesn't call him all the time and is making a good effort not to be in his face too much.

I am just wondering what this guys game is. I have never met anyone like that and fear that he will end up disappointing her as she is very emotionally vulnerable right now. I tried to warn her but wonder if maybe I am just an old fuddy-duddy. Is this a way that someone who has it 'all going on' can get a little distance while they check you out or what? Anyone else met someone like this on the Internet?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 7:10am

Of course, you know your friend has to make her own decisions. Most of us have to learn things the hard way. :)

I haven't met anyone quite like this, either on the internet or not. Perhaps I'm unfair, but whenever I have met a man over 40 who has never married, it's a small red flag for me. Curiously, I don't feel the same about women. The fact that this guy has never had a relationship over six weeks is more disturbing to me. And then he warns her to not get needy with him. He sounds like a classic player and an eternal bachelor. If things don't work out he can now say, "Well, I warned you."

Your friend has made it past the six week mark, so who knows? Maybe he is finally ready to settle down, but I doubt it. I personally would be very turned off by a guy who instructed me to "not get needy."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 9:11am

I haven't met anyone quite like this, either on the internet or not. Perhaps I'm unfair, but whenever I have met a man over 40 who has never married, it's a small red flag for me. Curiously, I don't feel the same about women.


I feel that way too, and I have always been right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 10:19am

I'm curious what has made your friend fall in love with this guy? Because I see red flags and the word 'won't ever commit' all over this one. So what exactly

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 11:09am

I actually do know someone like this, who I met through old about 10 yrs ago. I believe at that time we went out to dinner once or twice, had some nice long phone conversations and that was it. At that time, he worked as a videographer for 2 TV stations, had to work long hours, and it was pretty clear that he was a workaholic. (Oh yeah, he was 40 then.) But soon after that I met 2nd DH so it didn't really matter.

The funny part is that we have kept in touch since then, mainly because he has either hired me (I'm a lawyer) or referred friends to me. So earlier this year we got in touch again after I hadn't heard from him in a while. At the beginning of 2009, he referred his friend to me to do a divorce. Then later on in the year he contacted me about selling some inherited property that he got when his father died. So we had been doing all this over the phone, email & mail. I actually suggested maybe if he was in the city we could meet for lunch. After a couple of canceled lunch dates (of course due to his work) we ended up meeting for dinner because it turned out he was working right near where I live. We actually had a very good time talking over dinner for a couple of hours--this was in the beg. of Oct. After that, there were some emails where he said "remember, I still owe you lunch." He mentioned this to me several times in person too, so I actually figured that maybe in a couple of weeks, he would actually call & we would meet for lunch. Now mind you, I know that he's a workaholic and I wasn't really thinking of any kind of serious relationship, but I thought it would be nice to have a guy to go out to dinner with sometimes. So I started into checking my email more often, etc. looking for that lunch invitation, which never came. It was disappointing. Funny though, he did call me about a work question a couple of weeks ago, didn't say anything about lunch but was very friendly on the phone. He's trying to sell a house, which will give me more work. So maybe he will take me to lunch when he sells the house, but I don't think there will be much to this relatinonship, even to turn it into a friendship. (And now he's 50.)

So I just think there are these guys who are very content to have work be the primary focus of their lives and don't really have a need for a wife. Maybe they do like women as companions and to have sex with but don't want the responsibility of commitment for whatever reasons they have. I think that women have to recognize that it's probably not going to have a future. I do know one exception, though. My best friend married an older guy when she was 23 & he was 49--he had never been married before, although I'm sure he had many girlfriends. He was listed in an article in the paper about the "most eligible bachelors." They had been dating for a couple of years and were living together, but she finally said to him that she wanted to get married & have kids and she wasn't going to spend all her young years w/ him if that's not what he wanted to do. So they did get married and were married over 15 yrs before they got divorced--she was the one who wanted a divorce & he's still totally devoted to her. But I think that's probably the exception. Even long time bachelors usually have a number of GFs. The fact that he has never even had a long term GF shows that this guy definitely has a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 11:16am

Like someone else, I also see red flags.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 3:27pm
Oh I know why, we all want to protect our friends from getting hurt. But most of the time, people have to learn things the hard way. Back about 6 yrs ago, my friend started this thing w/ a married man--they had been family friends, so no big deal for them to see each other w/ or w/o their kids & families, but as friends. Then he started to say that he loved her (she was divorced by then) but in all this time, never made a move to leave his DW. I have been telling her all this time, in a nice way, how it really didn't look like he would be leaving his wife and that instead of her wasting her time waiting for him, she should try to go out & meet available guys. But she was so in LOOOOOVE w/ him. I think now she's finally getting it that it's going no where and I'm not going to say "I told you so."
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 4:21pm

I think the OP – t9t9 can answer for herself.