Can this be true?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Can this be true?
11
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 2:19pm

If you have been following on my stacking of online guys, I am dating few guys right now. But I am very interested in what I call my guy#1, in other postings I asked for your advice since I wasn't getting a response from him, so I started moving on... Well, he emailed me yesterday with an update of why he hasn't contacted in a while.

Read on:

The guy i am editing this film for fell under hard
times due to the loss of his baby.
It cost him a lot out of pocket and he hasn't been able to pay me my
salary for a while.
Therefore, i am both very broke right now and very embarrassed.
This is the real reason I have been so distant...I'm freaking out about
how I will pay this months bills.
I went negative last month...i'm freaking out!!!
I'm that broke and very embarrassed about it.
I hope you understand...until my situation changes i won't be doing
anything with anyone.
If this film dosen't do well I will be completely screwed.

Should I believe him, do you think this is legitimate answer or just an excuse?

By the way I am still going out with my guy#2, who's status can easily move to #1 if this other guy doesn't put his act together, eventhough I like him a lot and think he's being sincere.

Your thoughts, opinions?

ps I enjoy your postings so much, I read them every day and eventhough I don't always answer them, I am here all the time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 3:15pm

Hi Karina-


Other people are going to rationalize that this may be true...give him the benefit of the doubt..blah..blah..blah.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 3:18pm

I am unsure of how you "stack" these men but I am confused as to why #2 would move to #1 if #1 isn't interested. Wouldn't it be more if #2 was the one who made your knees weak and heart pound then he moves to #1? I guess what I am saying is you can't compare these men. Each one individually makes you feel a certain way. Sorting them into categories seems like a lot of work. I know when I dated multiple people I met on-line I would know if one man is either it or not. I wouldn't put them as #32 just in case 1-31 doesn't work out. He wouldn't be someone i would see again. It sounds like if #1 doesn't work out then you would settle for #2? Never settle for less than what you deserve.

Normally I am a gray area type of person but for me in my search for love I am quite black or white. If I've met a few men they are either a yay or nay. Never a maybe and never waiting in the wings should the yays fail.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 3:25pm

Hmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 5:24pm

Is he a film editor just starting out? If this is the case, then his story could quite possibly be true; unless he really is conman and just after your money, which I think is pretty cynical.

Notwithstanding his honesty about his situation, given how tenuous his career is right now - and it's a very hard business to make it in - he might not be the best romantic candidate on your horizons; unless you don't mind dating a starving artist?

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 6:20pm

I THANK YOU VERY MUCH, all of you that gave me your opinion, it is always very refreshing to see different points of view and practical ways of looking at situations. This has opened my eyes to see things in a different light, I really appreciate your honest opinions and I am sure I deserve someone that will find me wonderful and incredible (thanks Jodie), I am not settling for #2 (Fluffy), I really like him, it's just that we are in the prelimary stages of dating and I have followed the advice of not just dating one guy so I don't get hung up on only one! So I have these two guys that I am begining to know more and see which one is good for the long run. (thanks Miranda and Coolas) I am looking for someone stable that can at least take me out, and no thanks I don't want to support anyone. As it is I am a divorced mom of two wonderful kids, so I can't put anything more on my plate. To the contrary, I wish I'll remarry some day with an awesome guy that thinks the world of me!

I'll take guy #1's explanation with a grain of salt, and I am a little dissapointed that he may be lying, anyhow, I would not want to date someone that can't even support himself or is not totally into knowing me and pursuing me! In the meantime, I'll continue going out with guy#2 (if he continues to go steady) he will be my #1! Thanks again...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 8:31am
Well it could be true or it could be a big pile of caca, I don't know him so I couldn't say. But the bottom line is he's just not that into you unfortunately.
Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 9:51am

Even if he's telling the truth, it sounds like he isn't available for a real relationship anyway. That's why I've decided to take a break from dating. I've realized that I am just not available time-wise for a relationship with anyone due to my work & life situation. I have a great desire to date this one guy exclusively who is really into me, but I've discovered the hard way that because I work such a crappy schedule & so many hours, I just want to rent & catch up on errands/cleaning on my days off, not date anyone. I have no energy to have a successful relationship, & may not for the next 3 years. That's my reality. It sucks, though, when you like someone but they obviously are not equipped to make it work with you, no matter how much he may or may not be into you. Just move on & maybe he'll get his ducks in a row, contact you & you'll still be available.

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 9:51am

I'd believe him. Survival supercedes the need for casual dating. Men, especially, judge their self worth by their ability to provide (well...that is the primal drive in normal men anyway lol...con artists are parasites are not normal lol).

He at least told you his problem (responded)....even if its not the excuse...does it matter? You are stacking...continue to date. If you were in a love relationship with this guy...his lack of contact or involvement in sharing his problems would be very confusing...but often people who aren't committed ...dont want to a) burden others with their problems and b) look like a depressed person with problems when its so hard just for themselves to deal with it.

Believe him, support him mentally (dont give him money lol or anything) ....that would be the compassionate thing if you at least like him and want to stay in touch until he is at least feeling more secure about his situation and perhaps resume later something.

Ive been there, when i was experiencing hardship, i dont tend to want to go out and date etc especially when i can't afford to or see how it would impact my immediate future or can't be "free and fun" but rather have to concentrate on getting my problems at hand "to be the right person to meet or enjoy the right person." I think he is showing a bit of personal responsibility but kinda felt embarrassed to dump it all on you.

if things are going right with you and you are in a good place in your own life...just be grateful (it can happen to anyone) and give out a good vibe that is supportive and patient....if want to continue to be in his viewfinder.

Just my opinion,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 9:56am

It may be true, I suppose, but... If he really wanted to spend time with you, he'd find a way. There are things to do that don't cost money. Take a walk, go on a hike. Sit in a park and talk and people watch. Where I live, there are a ton of museums, most of which are free.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 10:06am

<<<<. If he was truly embarassed about the situation would he mention it not just once but twice? I got the feeling that he was emphasizing how vulnerable he was making himself for you because he knows that you are such a caring and understanding person that maybe you would foot the bill for your dates. (geez, I hardly sound cynical at all.)>>>

i disagree...he said he wasn't doing "anything with anyone at this time"...which is telling her and reassuring her...that he is not blowing HER off specifically..but letting her know that its NOT her...but his situation. I see absolutely no problem with what he has said in his email...its very scary to be broke...and I am sorry..especially in his business...not to be paid but still working happens ALOT...and i myself do not have extra's built up in case of emergency...but its not because i don't handle money well...its that way because that is the way it is...i cant move to a cheaper apt. (that take money, breaking leases, etc). I have no family to go to for help etc.

Sometimes...*&@# happens...and he doesn't owe anyone he is not in a committed relationship with explanations really if you think about it...but he at least..did that.

I am kinda surprised at the negative suspcious tone of this thread...but perhaps its only because we do get so much crap with dating lol...and I am have just been in his situation to understand that perspective. So i am not flaming anyone here... thinking that perhaps there are exceptions rather than the "norm" but know those exceptions first hand.

JMO,....no harm no foul with this guy...is how i see it, and he is having personal problems that MANY single people can be in at the turn of a corner that is not at your own control..KWIM? Lots of people can't just be frivilous and date and forget their problems that they are trying to work on...(he is still working) but some do take personal responsibility about NOT dragging others in ...and date no one when they are worried about their electric bill, car payment etc. THAT wouldn't be any more responsible would it? It doesnt make him a bad person that he is going through tough times...but I gotta say i do respect him for having his priorities straight.
Lizzie

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