Can a ghost change his tune?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Can a ghost change his tune?
16
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:59pm

6 years ago I was aggressive in OLD and the first man I met was S. We bonded immediately online and when we met face to face it was the most amazing experience of my life. In the beginning he made promises he didn't followed through with. At the time I met him he had just separated from his wife (1 month before) and had moved to California to start over. Shortly after moving here (he moved in with his parents) he found out his soon to be ex-wife was pregnant. He would disappear for months on end and at one point about 6 months after we met he disappeared for a long time. When he returned he said he wanted to try and make it with his wife. I said I thought that was odd because I only know that when there are children involved and that is when I found about her being pregnant. She gave birth to a little boy in Oct 2000. Over the course of the past 6 years we chatted every 2-3 months and he stopped making promises. I wrote him 2 emails explaining how I feel and how hard it is that he isn't making an effort and at the same time we remained in contact all this time. The past 8 months he has been more involved in my day to day life. As we go forward we chat at least once a week and he has been so complimentary to me. I have been losing weight and he is quite clear how he feels about it. He compliments me on my new body and is concerned that I lose too much weight. He says all the time how sexy I am and wants to see me. He now says he will be able to come down (he lives 3 hours away) in a week. He has done everything he has said he was going to do without making any promises. I am so over trusting that he will do anything he says and I am quite guarded over the whole thing.

I am still in love with this man. He asks if I do but I hedge and tell him that I don't know because I can't trust him at this point. I was fine with him and all when he and I were chatting online with the webcam on and at the end of the conversation we were saying goodbye and one of the last things he says was..."Honey you look great."

One other point in his direction is when I got sick in 2001 and lost partial use of my legs he was there. The night before I had surgery on my spine Oct. 2001 he said he would check with me and he did. He called me that afternoon. He told me that I would be fine and to let him know when I got home how things went. I did and he was attentive while I was off work for several months. Then he disappeared again for a few months.

It feels like things are changing. Is it possible that when we met he was needing some space from life? We talked about how he had met those goals that he set in 2000 and I told him I was proud of him. He is an amazing Dad and his son has changed his whole life. The little man lives in Arkansas and S flies there and stays in a motel and when it's time for his son to visit him he flies to pick him up and takes him back being on a plane for many many hours in a day. He never knew that having a son could be like this for him. Very sexy for me.

So could he be wanting more? I have NOT been waiting for him. He just was always there. I deleted him more times than I can count on my Yahoo Messenger and swear everytime I do it's within a few days he shows back up. It's like he knows.

Okay so I went off......what does everyone think? Can a ghost change his direction and be someone who is reliable and trustworthy??

F

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:05pm
I don't fully understand what is going on. First, I am assuming he is divorced now? Second, why do you not trust him? Does he follow through on what he says he will do? Trustworthiness and reliability are about following through on commitments. I am not clear from your post whether he has failed to do that or whether your issue with him is that he has disappeared from your life for long periods of time. Anyway if the problem is that you don't trust him I think that is going to be a tough hurdle to overcome. If the problem is that he has popped in and out of your life at his whims, then I would proceed cautiously and assume he has not changed unless his actions clearly demonstrate otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:42am

Fluff, I think you are taking the exact right tack here. You're being cautious, and he is working to prove himself to you. Let that continue until you are more confident or secure about him.

To answer your posting question -- It sounds like you met him at a very chaotic time in his life. I would hate to have met the right guy when I was in the middle of getting divorced -- emotionally I was a wreck, though I didn't realize it then. I think most people don't act entirely themselves during that period. From what you've said, it sounds like he was trying to do the right thing, but couldn't let go of the thought of you. Now, he's trying to show you he means it. I say, enjoy it, let him court you, don't make any big decisions, and let it go where it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:28am

I'm confused.

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:56am

Is it *possible*? Sure. Is it *likely*? No.

I don't think that someone who could do that (disappear) is a good bet for a healthy relationship, and unless he's had counseling or some other major life changing event where he's had to change his character, he's still the same guy who did that.

But, you probably won't be able to let it go unless you give it another shot (I know I'd have a hard time doing so and usually DO give people a 2nd chance, which has never worked out but that doesn't stop me from trying ;-))...so keep your skepticism and see what happens if that's what you decide to do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 12:54pm

You have no clue in regards to my post. This man is my friend and I have NEVER indicated he was anything more. A fantasy he is not.

Thanks for your post but maybe you need to stick with subjects that you have some experience in to give good solid advice.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:00pm

He is divorced and has been for over 5 years. My trust for him is that he too many times said he wanted to see me...made plans...and didn't follow through. He eventually stopped making those plans and we have been able to survive as friends. He has disappeared from my life numerous times over the course of the 6 years but has remain constant in the past 8 months.

Thanks for your response.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:14pm

This is experience talking it's called wisdom!

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:23pm

Ok folks... let's calm down. Everyone has a right to their opinion and there's no need for personal attacks just because the opinion isn't what you were hoping for. If you do feel a poster is personally attacking you, please feel free to report it or email me. But please, DO NOT start a flame war on here.


Thanks for your cooperation.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:57pm

I disagree with your opinion that you cannot fall in love with someone with minimal physical contact. I believe we are all soulmates in this life and they are appointed far before you meet them. Case in point...my best friend is a man who I met in 1994. We clicked immediately and he is a soulmate. We have the most incredible love story unfolding over the course of the past 11 years and have the most amazing intimacy that one person could possibly imagine. This man is gay and 10 years younger than me. I know I have loved this man in many lives and in this one he is gay and I will have to wait till the next life to see what happens next. I love him like I have never loved anyone including my family. We both search high and low to find someone that rivals the trust and respect that we have together. We have not succeeded up to this time.

My point is if you believe that love is born over days, weeks, months and years of getting to know someone you will be bound by only that. If you are open to experience all kinds of love including instant love with someone you only met once then you have the most amazing experiences that only a few will ever know. I am not trying to convince you but your opinion is important, however; it doesn't fit into my lifestyle at all. Doesn't make it wrong though and I apologize if I was harsh with you. I don't disagree because it's not what I want to hear. I'm not stupid and I know that if he wants to be with me he would climb mountains to do so. That healed a long time ago. My question was whether or not he can change his mind and climb those mountains now?? Your advice was not what I asked for but I appreciate the time you took to give it to me.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:58pm

No flame war here CL. I have posted to her and apologized because I did not mean to sound so harsh. I apologize to the entire board as well.

F

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