Can I contact him again after a month???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Can I contact him again after a month???
25
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 9:46pm

I started online dating about 2 months ago. From the get go, I started chatting with 2 guys at once (let's say their names are dan and mike). Dan was alittle more agressive... so we out on a few dates and we had a great. Then, I went out with mike and we also had a great time. But things were going so well with dan that we both decided to take down our profiles. Mike sent me an email the next week, but I never responded back to him.

Anyway, dan and I never really worked out, so now I'm back online.

My question is... it okay to contact this mike again??? And if so, what do I say to him without it seeming like he's the second choice? I did have a good time with him and would like go out with him again... and I probably rushed things with dan. I learned.

Thanks for any advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:14pm

You guys crack me up. Was I that bad? ROFL

Sorry, op, but Ghosting is a sore spot on this board and you caught the brunt of it.

NWW, I considered this ghosting because they went on a date, she says they had a good time, he emailed her within the week and then she did not have the courtesy to let him know why she wouldn't see him again.

You know, I've had to adjust to the OLD habit of not politely responding to winkers (in my case mostly wankers so it was easy) and intro emailers.

I have accepted that it's mandatory to keep one's expections below zero until at least 3 months of dating (?!) even when I lack patience and really really like the guy.

But...I simply have to draw the line in this case. There are basic societal rules of behaviour that shouldn't be put aside simply because it's easy to get away with.

I consider it the Lady-like thing to do to explain to a fellow that while the date was great I've decided to concentrate on another person (the old "it's not you" line, which is the truth here).

A case in point, by a true Lady - our own cupcake. Her current beau liked her, but was still kicking the tires of another Lady. What did he do? He told cupcake the truth. Some time later he contacted her again. The other lady didn't work out. Was she still interested?

All above board and honest. That's the only way to conduct one's life, IMHO.

amjay

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:26pm

Amjay, we just have different views as to what is rude in this situation. I think sending "thanks but no thanks" emails is rude, you think NOT sending them is rude. I'm never going to agree with you and you are never going to agree with me, so let's just agree to disagree, but I *really* don't appreciate the implied aspersions on my character, ok?

Thanks.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:44pm
I think that ghosting is just part of the game. I KNOW for a fact that if you contact him now, he is going to know that he was your second choice. I say go for it, neither of you have anything to lose. He was probably dating more then one person at the time also, he only emailed you once, and it was only a first date. This does not mean you have to eat humble pie, just test the waters, if he bites great, if not, life goes on. I think I agree with NWW, if he was so emotionally invested in you after ONLY one date that his feelings are hurt, thats his problem not yours.
I guess its a personal choice and everyone has their reasons. The only thing you can do is try.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:47pm

I wonder how many of you would be all gungho for a guy that you went on one date with, that you emailed after the date to either talk about another date or say you had a good time, all of a sudden showed up after a month or so and said Hey just have been busy what's up want to go out again?

I certainly wouldn't remotely want to date him again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:59pm

I'd be ok with it. I'd figure that he was dating other people and I wouldn't take it personally.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:11pm

Ditto what Sheri said. I've dated a couple of guys off and on casually. We'll go out a time or two, have a great time, then I won't hear from them for sometimes 3-4 mos or longer. In the meantime I date and meet others as I'm sure they do too. I don't have a problem with it. I've not been promised anything, it's just dating, not relationshiping.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:13pm

Sure I'd think he was dating other people too and that he just wasn't that into me a month ago and I would think he must not have anything going on right now. LOL

I wouldn't take it personally, I just wouldn't go out with him again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:17pm

People make mistakes, and live to regret those mistakes sometimes (as the OP did). I'm willing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt...but if he flakes *again*, fuggedaboutit!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:22pm

Well I knew you and I would be different, I think you are VERY forgiving. Much more then I would ever be just from reading about previous relationships you have and currently have you know?

I don't have the time or energy for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 10:14am
I agree with Sheri -- This board is full of threads about difficult decisions about how to prioritize potential OLDs, or situations where timing is a problem, or getting too many replies and just not being able to handle them. Why can't we understand that the shoe is frequently on the other foot? Why be so harsh about it? OLD is about trying to make decisions based on a very small amount of information, and that leads to mistakes a lot of the time -- we're not allowed to admit we made mistakes? I think the lighter approach is definitely reasonable. I for one would not have a chip on my shoulder about it if a guy contacted me and said "You know, I was overwhelmed and just couldn't follow up on our contact, but I would like to meet you now."
In fact, the longest OLD-generated relationship I had was with a man who took a month to call me -- he had a lot going on in his life and just didn't feel ready right then.