Can someone explain this to me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Can someone explain this to me...
30
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 5:09am

Hi all,

I have been dating this guy for about a month. We met on eharmony. We had a great time together, got together as much as possible since he works nights and I work days. We both had weekends off so that worked out good.

He told me he fell in love with me, we were going to go away together, wasn't going to let me go, etc. I fell in love with him too. We connected. And I felt he loved me, I really do.

The last time I saw him was Friday night. Everything was great. He had to work Sat. night to fill in for a friend. He called me Sunday, asked me to go over but I couldnt, I had my landlords coming up to repair something. He called me Sunday night on his way to work, but I was busy with them and then cleaning up their mess.

I havent heard from him since. I called him yesterday asking him to call me, to let me know he is ok. I left a message, then called twice, but he didnt answer his cell.

What is killing me is why did he tell me he was in love with me, only to "ghost" on me? How does someone do that to another person after all this? I am sick, I cannot eat, sleep, I have a son who is worried about me.

Why can't they just be honest and tell you the truth? The worst thing possible is for someone to just "go away" without even a word. Like you were crap.

Can someone PLEASE shead some light for me. I have to go to work today, and I am afraid I am going to break.

PS - I know nothing happened to him because when I first called, his cell was off, then when I called again, he rang and rang, and went to voicemail. He just didnt want to answer me.

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 5:45am

I know how difficult it is to think you have found someone only to have it disappear. Last year I picked up the book He's Just not that Into You and as I was reading it, almost every chapter resulted in a "yeah, that has happened". It is fairly simple but makes a lot of sense. If you have a chance, pick it up and give it a read. At the least, it will distract you for a bit.

You probably have an almost overwhelming need to talk to him to find out why. The truth is, it doesn't really matter why he changed his mind (or heart). He did and knowing why won't change that so to mimic the advice of the authors of HJNTIY, let it go, move on, and be happy. Take your son and go to a movie or dinner or indoor rock climbing and try not to think about it too much.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 5:58am

It is awful to be really *into* someone and have this happen. Unfortunately it happens a lot.

I would have taken the things he said to you as a red flag, though. Only because you have only known him a month. A month isn't long enough to truly have those feelings in most cases. It's best to take things slow and see how they work out. I find that people who come on that strong (that early) usually fizzle out.

Take care of yourself and hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:44am

Yesterday was only Tuesday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:57am
It's only been a couple of days. The worse thing you can do is keep calling. If he really wants to call you he will.
The best thing to do is to learn from life's lessons. Don't give your heart out too quickly. If you give him the whole thing it can be shattered. If you had just given a little, when a breakup occurs it doesn't hurt as much.
I hope you can read your replies at work. Please, don't think too much about him. If you think more happy, optomistic thoughts you'll feel better. I'm sure your work is very appreciative that you came in today and they know you're going to do a good job. You have a son that loves you unconditionally. The holidays are coming up you may want to start thinking about how to make it special.
While you're on your lunchbreak you may want to make a list of things you would like to do for yourself. Take your son out to dinner, take a trip to the mall, call an old friend, think about taking up a new hobbie. Whatever it is try to focus on being busy and doing things that only you can do to make yourself feel good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:47am

Thank you for all your replys. But I honestly feel in my heart, he's gone. I just wish he was man and honest enough to tell me. Not be so hurtful.

How do you move on? How do you forget? Do you think of how lousy he really is, do you focus on that?

I just dont know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:41am

I agree with the other poster's - It's too soon to throw in the towel.


I also agree that "falling in love" within only a month is definately a red flag, and I personally don't believe that "love" can be formed that quickly, not the kind of love that I want anyway.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:47am

Assuming he did ghost (I agree with others that it may be too soon to jump to that conclusion) I have found it helps to remind yourself of his bad qualities and everyone has some; no one is perfect.

It may be cold comfort but this has happened to so many of us, including me. I have learned through hard experience that when they start the love talk and future talk so early on, a sign should pop up in your brain: "Possible Ghosting Ahead."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:51am

<<<>>

It's not that you are crap, it's that THEY are. They are too cowardly to deal with things in an adult manner. Count your blessings that you've only invested a month in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 9:01am

Hi there...

I know exactly what you are going through! If you look back over the past couple of days and I think last week I had posted a couple of messages about Peter and my relationship. He said all the same things to me, we really got along well, he said he was falling in love with me, didn't want anyone else, wanted a future, possible marriage, the whole bit.

And he pulls a ghost thing a little over a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. I called him up last Thursday and he wasn't answering his cell or his home # so I left a message. I also sent him an e-mail and as of this morning, still no phone call. He prided himself on being soooo honest and being a "man's man", that he would never hurt me - blah blah blah.

I wish I had an answer for you as to why this happened, however, still trying to figure it out on my own mess. But I am giving up trying to figure it out, obviously he wasn't the one for me, and if he loved me, he wouldn't have pulled this crap!!

I know its hard to figure it out, however, don't drive yourself crazy wondering if it was something that you did - IT'S HIM - NOT YOU!! You deserve better~!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 9:38am

I should have known after the I love you, and Friday night no less, I really fell in love with you. Why do they say it? No one told him to move so fast.

I know deep down I didnt do anything wrong, believe me, I have gone over the past weekend about a zillion times and I come up with nothing. If something was wrong, the least he could of done was tell me. He was telling me from day one, we have to be honest with each other, etc. Yeah, where is your honesty now???

I just keep blaming myself and I know I didnt do anything, but it hurts sooooooooo bad. I am here at work, trying to work, trying to cope, but it is hard.

One thing I WILL NOT do is call him again. I have too much pride for that. I called him twice yesterday after I left the message that I was worried, and nothing.

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