Can't figure him out
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Can't figure him out
| Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:14am |
A man I met on an online dating site contacted me 4 months ago, and we hit it off in our emails really well, writing at least a few times a week; we had a lot in common, so it felt very comfortable. He gave me his cell number first, and I gave him mine. In every one of his letters, he mentioned how he could not wait to meet me (he only lives an hour away). When I saw he wasn't calling, I tried calling him, yet got a voice mail. I left a message. He tried calling back, but it was poor reception, and he never left a message. I tried calling again, and the same thing, but no call back. Everytime he said he was going to meet me, excuses came up as to things going on with him. He finally called me after 3 months, after I put pressure on him as to what's going on. We spoke over an hour and I thought it went well. We had talked about meeting up finally, and again, more excuses came up to stall it even more. I have noticed that since his call to me, he has cooled off in his emails and I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. I notice he still visits the dating site almost daily, and has updated his profile. What gives? Is he a player or still a married man after he claims to be divorced? This is driving me crazy, and I find that I need some closure......please help!

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Hi April and welcome to the board! I hope you decide to stick around and stay with us...
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion of him being a player or a married man, that does a disservice to both you and him. However, the bottom line is that he doesn't seem all that interested. He didn't seem to be interested in meeting from the start based on him backing out. And even though you got him to meet eventually, I think he did so because he felt obligated to, not because he really wanted to. Now mind you, this has nothing to do with you! It's him and his interest level was not there from the start... He's probably like that with everyone.
As for what to do though... just leave him be. He's not worth your time and energy if he's not giving you the same. Get back out there and keep dating. OLD is a numbers game to me so keep busy and don't let one guy get you down.
Good luck!
I just wanted to share that I once had a similar experience. I has been talking to this guy for probably 2 weeks. At first we emailed, then moved to IM and we had long, interesting IM conversations. He initially brought up the idea of meeting and we set a date and everything, but then, right before we were going to meet (literally less than an hour before), he texted me with some lame excuse as to why he couldn't do it.
Of course, he continued to talk to me online. Eventually I asked him what the deal was and he said he was just too nervous (he had never done the OLD thing before) to go through with it. He wanted to make another date to meet, but by the time that was set up I had met my bf and decided to try and be exclusive with him, so the nervous guy missed out. Oh well!
My point is that this guy was not totally serious about meeting, but it really had nothing to do with me. So I wouldn't let it bother you that things didn't work out. I'd be willing to bet just about anything his flakiness is his issue and has nothing to do with you at all.
Try to move on and let this guy do his thing. There are serious and interested guys out there. Good luck.
Hon, one thing you'll find with OLD is that closure is not always something that you will get.
Ok--he has shown you repeatedly that he's not a person of his word by not calling when he said he was going to. So why would you believe him when he says he wants to meet you, when he's shown you by this actions that he doesn't mean what he says? That makes no sense to me.
Sheri
"I know I must let it be, but this seemed so right...could perhaps he come around in due time? ...
Would it be wrong to email him in about a month?"
_______________
Only if you want to give him yet another chance to make you feel like crap.
Look, this is not a guy who's interested in you. You and he have been communicating for FOUR months and he hasn't worked out the time to meet you yet? He is so not into you.
Which part "seemed so right"- the part where he didn't ever bother spending a couple of freakin hours out of FOUR MONTHS of time to meet you for lunch or coffee? Or the part where you finally were "pushy" enough to suggest he get off his butt and meet up and he blew you off?
You plainly deserve much better. You're a kind, caring individual, and unfortunately folks who have big hearts sometimes get taken advantage of. Move on down the road and don't email him, don't call him, don't IM him... wipe him clear of your mind ASAP.
Guys who are interested in girls actually, you know, MEET the girl. Guys who aren't, don't.
Go out and buy the book "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt, and read it carefully. Pay particular attention to Chapter 1, "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out." (I'm not making up this title.) You are the girl in the book, and just like all the girls in the book, you deserve better.
Move on. You want help? That's the best help we can give. Accept that you might never know what the real story is, and it doesn't matter, because whatever it is the end result is that you are not dating the guy. Long term relationships, short term relationships, heck even one-night stands require a physical meeting.
You so totally deserve better, it's amazing. You sound like a really sweet woman- don't waste it on guys who obviously don't give a rip about you.
A friend of mine has arranged for me to meet her husband's friend, so we are going to a wedding together next week......yes this will take my mind off him for a while, but won't heal my broken heart because I just don't understand what happened....by the way, we are both in our 50's....we are not kids here! I hate playing games...
I totally agree!!! If a guy is interested in seeing/meeting/talking/IMing/_______ (fill in the blank), he WILL find the time and figure out a way to make it work.
I have notoriously become a doormat over the years for guys that I was interested in, and my older sister actually bought that book for me when it first came out in the hopes that I would... well... get some cajones. LOL The book is silly on many levels, but it's simple and it resonates. We teach people how to treat us...
I have found over the last year or two, that when I really embrace the whole "he's just not that into you" belief, that my dating experiences (or attempts at dating, ha-ha) are *much* easier and *much* healthier. I feel more empowered and my sense of self-respect is more intact. While I still struggle with "trying too hard," "making excuses" and being somewhat patient when dealing with The One I Like, my doormat days are over.
Go buy the book. If nothing else, it will give you something to think about. And it'll give you a chuckle or two. :)
I'm with ya--I hate playing games too.
One rule of thumb that helped me when I was doing OLD was to always talk to more than one guy at a time this way I didn't get too attached to any particular person right away. As that old saying goes, don't put all your eggs in one basket. (Or at least don't do it until you know the rooster ain't visiting other hen houses. hehehe)
You're probably the type of person that is honest and straight forward, right? Well unfortunately not everyone is. Always proceed with cautious optimism.
At any point did you get a vibe that things just didn't seem right?
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