casual dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
casual dating
5
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 4:55pm

First;
1. had bad marriage and 6 kids with ex.
2. had great relationship and fiance died of Cancer June 1 2005
3. signed up with yahoo

OK, my profile says just someone to go out to events with.
Pretty clear still have no heart yet to give.
Met 1st guy, total idiot, no problem
met guy # 2, nice guy, a gentleman. Putting up with crazy behavior result of grief still. Is begining to make it clear will like sex sometime in future no hurry or pushing. Dated 4 times so far.
Nice guy, does not turn on or off.
I am pretty sure I don't want sex.
I am unclear if I should stop talking to other guys online while dating him even though I want nothing exclusive or serious.
Ok, I'm a confused mess, that's why I'm posting. No girlfriend to talk this out with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:03pm

Based upon your post, IMO I don't think you should be dating at this time.

Is this guy putting up with your crazy behavior and although he wants sex; have you told him that you are not interested in having sex? Most guys will eventually want sex, but if you are seeking someone just to hang out with, are you letting the guys know this upfront? I'm confused as to what you are asking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:42pm

I agree with steph in that you really should not be dating ANYONE at this time, casual or otherwise. You are very obviously still grieving over the fiancee. And I don't mean this harshly, but with a bad marriage and 6 kids, you have some baggage that you need to work through as well.

This guy is not that much of a gentleman if after 4 dates he is indicating he wants sex from you if you have not given him any indication that's what you are looking for. If you were in a place to date, I would say there is no reason for you to stop talking to other guys or stop going out with them at this point. But what you really need is some grief counseling - you can find it at your church or community center. There's also a couple grief boards out here you might consider:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhgrief?ice=ivl,searchmb

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppgrieving?ice=ivl,searchmb

Anyway, my advice is to hide your profile, get some help and get over your fiancee first. You're not doing yourself or anyone else any good in your condition right now. If all you want is casual sex, you can keep this guy around, but it sounds like you don't want that. But you are quite honestly not ready to date, IMO.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:45pm
Yes, I know most guys want sex but does that mean we are obligated to give it to them? I make sure we go dutch to everything. I made it clear up frount what I was looking for. I even asked another guy friend to check out my profile to make sure it wasn't giving wrong idea. So what's up with this," Well he's a guy so don't be with him if you are not ready to give it up?" Who would want lukewarm sex with someone? Is it wrong just to have fun together somewhere besides bed?
I am not against sex, I like it, I just want casual dating not casual sex. I'm just not sure it can be done. Is it wrong to date a guy that doesn't ring your bells and say no to sex if you had began the relationship with a No sign in writting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 6:19pm
There's nothing wrong with it if you make it clear you do not want to have sex with him. He'll keep bugging you if you don't. But my question is why would you want to be in a boring relationship with someone that doesn't ring your bells now or ever? If you're looking for a friend, tell him that's what you want and if he wants more he needs to look elsewhere.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 6:20pm

No, it's not "wrong" at all, you're being upfront about what you want. He's just hoping he can change your mind! If you think about it, it's not too different from what some women do when guys say upfront they aren't looking for a relationship, just sex and fun...many women think they can change the guy's mind.

Since this guy isn't paying attention to what you're saying, it's time to stop seeing him and meet some other men. It won't be *easy* to find a guy who's ok with what you're looking for, but you're not wrong to try.

Sheri