Changing Your Dating Patterns

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Changing Your Dating Patterns
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 8:59pm

I have always dated guys because they talked to me first not because I liked them or shared similar interests. This situation rarely lead to any relationships whatsoever for me. These are guys that share my ethnicity, but I do not much in common with them. I want to date open minded types not guys focused on identifying only by their race. I live in Brooklyn and their should be plenty of open-minded people here, but I still get approached by guys I don't care for. As I am approaching 30, I realized how much of my life was not lived how I wanted to live simply because I had to stay in a stereotype. 

I have an online dating profile that states that my musical tastes are folksy rock, classical etc. All my photos show me hiking or apple picking with my multicultural group of friends. It also states that I love going to museums regularly and engaging in cultural activities. I even put that I am in a trivia league. I think this would make it clear the type of person that I am, yet I keep getting the same men messaging me. Men outside of my ethnicity have barely messaged me and in the past the ones that I dated expected me to be a stereotype. On the street, these guys look but don't say anything. This is extremely perplexing to me. I want a man with similar interests not just a man that assumes I am something I am not. Please let me know if you have any advice. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 11:35pm

Be very blunt!   In the profile say exactly what you are looking for as well as what you will not accept.  Let there be no doubt. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 11:57pm

I think you might have to start making the first move, although you have to realize that not everyone is comfortable dating a person of a different race.  But a lot of times men hardly read your profile--they just look at your picture, think you are cute and ask you out.  I've gotten those messages (and every other woman has) where you go--have you read my profile at all, cause how would you think we'd be a match?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:54am
I agree, nothing wrong with making the first move. Seek out and find guys that you are interested in on that site and contact them first. If you have not already, you might explicitly state on your profile that you are open to men of all races, etc. Just so there is no doubt and hesitation on their part.

Part of online dating is cutting through the noise. You just are potentially going to get contacted by many men who you are not interested in. You just have to cut through it. From my understanding , women usually get flooded with men contacting them, versus men do not get nearly as much coming their way. Probably because there are any number of men fishing around out there for "fun" and nothing more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:49am
I agree that you need to be specific but I'm positive that those same men will still respond. It's those men who will respond to anyone in their area...I think it has something to do with sex. Lets face it men online dating are geared around sex and those that aren't may not fit into your specifics. How about branching out of those specifics?? Try some others on for size...sometimes opposites attract!!

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 6:30pm
It sounds like you're interested in dating guys from other ethnicities because it seems that you might have more in common with them (not that there's anything wrong with guys of your own ethnicity) but they aren't making the first move so you're at a loss? Have you considered using an online dating site or joining a singles group for people who want to date outside of their ethnicity? They may not be widely advertised, but they do exist. In that type of environment you might be able to shine a brighter light on your interests and avoid the assumption that you fit into a stereotype because of your appearance.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 1:37pm

99% of the emails I got when I was on POF were from men who had nothing I wanted. That's why I didn't bother writing even a 'no thanks' response. Many of these men are on the low-desirable scale so they write to everyone hoping to by some stroke of luck, they might get an interest.

I used to get annoyed but after sometime just ignored them. I finally hid my profile b/c POF had very low quality pool. Didn't help to search b/c they really don't have a very good search engine to select the type of men I like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 1:50pm

kid not despite the open and multicutural society we have today, ethnicity is a big deal when it comes to sexual attraction. Of course it helps when you're really good looking b/c then ethnicity is less of a factor.

But most of us, regardless of ethicity, are not great looking. Some people just prefer to stay with certain ethnic groups b/c of their own preferences, fetishes, hangups, you may be a good looking color woman but they rather pick a dowdy looking white woman b/c it's their type.

Anyway, I'm only guessing, since I haven't seen the pictures you posted or your ethnicity, the reason you're not attracting a diverse group is the way your profile is written. Maybe you can post it here so we can see. Or maybe the pictures you took make you look too (may I say it) FOB = fresh off the boat? There are certain stereotypes associated with certain manner of dress and manerism, think Japanese tourists (and other Asians copying the J) making the peace sign in photos. Much less with other ethnic groups who have been here much longer, such as blacks and Hispanics unless they're newer immigrants and again have certain things that make them seem too 'foreign' or too ethnic for comfort.  

So while a bi-cultural person is very interesting, someone who is perceived unassimulated is less attractive. It doesn't seem you are but maybe you're perceived as such.