Is Chat / IM a good thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Is Chat / IM a good thing?
9
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 7:56am

After being re-introduced to Chat/IM by the spm site - I'm wondering whether perhaps it isn't somewhat of a better way to gather some quick information about someone.

You don't have to worry about the ghosting -- or if they terminate chat -- you know it wasn't because your "email got lost".

On the down side, it can be rather time consuming to be typing one line at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:02am
In light of what just happened to me last night, I'm compelled to post a response to your question. You asked if chat/IM was a good thing. I can tell you first hand that for me it wasn't a good thing. In fact, the person that I had been exchanging IMs with (practically on a daily basis) , stood me up for a dinner date last evening.
Do I feel used & abused & played for ? Absolutely ! In fact I retreated to my bedroom for the remainder of the evening "curled up in a little ball just like a 4 wk. old kitten thats been estranged from its mother". I just don't understand people (especially men). Throughout our IM conversations & several actual phone calls, this man was very complimentary to me and always verbally expressed a genuine interest in me & that he was interested in spending some time with me, which only goes to show that you can't always believe what people say in IM situations.
I guess I believe too much in the concept that 'there is inherent good in every human being'. Yes, I got burned and I'm feeling rather bad about it right now, however I'm confident that these ill feelings will pass in time. The main thing is that I walk away from this scenario having learned a valuable lesson about IM etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:20am

In my field of work there are two kinds of concrete: cracked concrete and concrete that's gonna crack. So I've applied that philosophy to real life. There are two kinds of men: lying men and men who are gonna lie. My advice is to assume that what they say never means anything and maybe one day you'll be pleasantly surprised.

IM is a great way to get ya going and to let ya down. Lesson learned.

Lisa

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:28am

"On the down side, it can be rather time consuming to be typing one line at a time." Only if you're not multitasking like I usually do. ;)

I think it's a good thing if you use it right, i.e. occasionally, not as your primary mode of contact. This guy IM'd me yesterday, we chatted for just a few minutes, enough for a brief introduction, and then I had a quick out saying, I gotta get back to work, here's my email if you'd like to drop me a line.

Ladymarina, sorry to hear you had that kind of disappointment. I don't think you can blame IM for it though, any more than you can blame email or phone... it has more to do with expectations being developed outside of actual in-person interaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:53am
Totally get what you are saying. I can see now that my sense of better judgement was clouded by this man's words, which I now know were not sincere. There is alot of truth in the the saying that "A person's actions carry more weight than their words".
And in retrospect, I should have paid closer attention to potential red flags.
So, I'm just going to focus on what I learned out of this whole scenario and not make the same mistake a 2nd time around... LM
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:18am

I only IM with people I know well. I don't use it as a way to get to know people from OLD for several reasons:

1. I have found that almost all men who want to chat (as opposed to emailing and talking on the phone) are not really interested in meeting...they are just interested in chatting (and often want to chat about sex)

2. I find it extremely intrusive...I hate being in the middle of something and have one of those windows pop up. If it's someone I know, they will understand if I say, cant' talk now or something, but with a stranger, it's very uncomfortable. Emails can be answered when you have time...chat demands "talk to me NOW!!"

3. If someone DOES ghost, and you've added them to your buddy list, you can see when they are online, etc...you have to take action to get rid of them (and be reminded of them), rather than them just being GONE.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:53am

lm - these kinds of things happen. As a matter of fact, so long as it's a once in a blue moon occurence, I would say that it's more a symptom that you're active with online dating.

If your not getting ghosts or (occassional) standups - you're not being very proactive with online.

Your last sentence is the only one that matters out of all these posts:

"I'm just going to focus on what I learned out of this whole scenario and not make the same mistake a 2nd time around.."

It's the ultimate success formula for life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:59am

Agree with your assessment and as you know I think your brilliant and have a great handle on this online thing!!

The only way I'll use IM is to make an initial screen and set a meeting or phone call. It's often more convenient to go right to the call from IM because you're both available to talk.

I will never drag out email/IM for more than a week -- and 3 contacts is a lot.

It's nerve wracking to go to all these meetings - but they must be done unless you like chatting forever with people. I'd say that's the one lesson new online daters should really learn quickly. Don't drag the communication out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 5:09pm

I am in full agreement with your first two points. . But I do have my own third reason for disliking IM. For me anyway, via IM I am

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 5:04pm

I find IM very helpful as a stage between e-mail and the phone call -- it tells you a couple of really critical things: Can he think on his feet? Is he smart/funny? Has he mastered his native tongue?

But I agree it should not stretch out... and it's dangerous because you lose tone (i.e. can't detect sarcasm) in an IM.

Tracy