chatting for months, no date

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
chatting for months, no date
8
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 9:53pm
I got a response on match.com around christmas time, which I ignored at first but then decided to write back to. We've been chatting online ever since, but haven't gone out! It's annoying because I really like talking to him and we seem to have lots in common. I've been doing online dating for years and this has never happened. I asked him out at one point and he said ok and he'd get back to me on when he was free that week, but then stuff blew up at work for him and he seemed to have forgotten about it. I assume he just isn't interested, but he does IM me (it's not just me IMing him) and we always seem to have a good conversation. Anyone know what could be going here???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:23am
He's a perpetual emailer. If you want to meet him, you need to lay it out on the line and say, "Hey, I'm online to MEET people. I've enjoyed our conversations but really feel we should meet in person. Would you like to meet for coffee?" If he hems and haws again, tell him, "Thanks, it's been nice chatting with you. Good luck in your search." and move along. If he says yes, take it from there but you are wasting your time. Chances are, he never intends to meet you.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:57am
I agree with vexer, you need to do something about it right away, since you have already been wasting your time if he has no intention in meeting you. Have you talked on the phone at all or is it just emailing back and forth? What is the content of your emails? If it is sexual, then I'd say he is probably married or in a relationship, and is just looking for some "excitement".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:26am
no no, our IM conversations are completely PG. Sports, work, music, funny dating stories...no sex. I'm fairly certain he's not married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:56am
Just trying to point out some possibility here... I am seeing someone right now, but we're not exclusive (haven't talked about it yet). I guess I haven't brought it up because, although I am pretty sure that we're sexually monogamous, I don't know if I want to be exclusive with him just yet (sticky situation about the future). At least I don't want to decide until he brings it up, if ever. So I'm keeping my options open and talking to a few people right now. But I am kind of hesitant about meeting some of them face-to-face, especially the ones who sound sincere and are looking for a serious relationship. There is this guy whom I've been chatting with for hours everyday, and I feel that we have a great connection. He's pretty interested and would like to meet me, but I am not sure if I should. I feel that I am leading him on already, since I do like this other guy that I am seeing now a lot, and I am just kind of waiting... I don't even know what I am waiting for! So whenever the chatting buddy makes some reference about us meeting up, it always makes me feel uncomfortable but luckily, I've been really busy with my work schedule so I was able to use that as excuse. I feel horrible about myself for doing this, but I want to keep my options open... (any critiques or comments welcome) A month ago I told him that I am kind of seeing someone, but we're not exclusive yet. He said he understands but keeps on chatting with me. Anyway, it seems that I am going off topic here. My point is, is it possible that your guy is somewhat involved with someone (not necessarily married), thus feels more comfortable keeping the relationship at the online level right now? I also agree with the other posters that you should meet as soon as possible so you're not wasting your time. :P I feel horrible for keeping this guy as a "spare." If anyone thinks that it's wrong and I should stop talking to him, please tell me so! I will update him with the current situation soon though - I have the impression that he either forgets about me mentioning me seeing someone else, or assumes that after all this time, it's no longer the case, as he seems pretty excited about "us."


Edited 2/27/2006 1:51 pm ET by jjjj2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:23pm
Married or currently involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:43pm

I don't think that you should necessarily stop talking to him, but you need to either meet him and stop keeping him on the back burner and/or clarify things with the other guy. It's not fair to back-burner guy to keep putting him off if you don't have any intention of meeting him. I understand and encourage to keep your options open now, but not if you're not seriously doing that which you're not. You are hoping that your other guy brings up exclusivity. He may not and meanwhile, you are stringing this other guy along. If you want to be exclusive with the first guy, there is no harm in saying something - if he feels the same way, he will be happy you brought it up. If he's not ready, then you will know for sure and be able to decide what to do - keep seeing him while seeing others or cut bait and move on.

As for the OP, I still would not be convinced he's not in a relationship. He may not be initiating sex talk, but his reluctance to meet suggests that he's in some way not looking for a relationship - either he's already in one or he's looking for a penpal. Suggest meeting one more time and see how it goes. If he puts you off, next him.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:05pm
Thanks Vexer! I know I'd be upset if someone strings me along like this, therefore I feel horrible. My problem is that I don't know if I want to be exclusive with this other guy, even if he brings it up. It's just such a long shot for a happy ending that I am not sure if it's worth it. It's also possible that, after I meet this chatting buddy, I might feel that he is a better match for me (more stable and promising at least). I might be presumpuous here but my impression is that if I meet him, I'd probably want to get serious with him (assuming the chemistry is there after the meet). You're right, though, that I shouldn't string anyone along so I'll handle the situation soon (probably just come clean with my chatting guy and let him decide whether he wants to continue talking to me, or even meet in person). Sorry to the original poster - I don't mean to hog the thread and change topic here. Just thought that it's kind of relevant, from a different perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:16pm
I chatted with a guy last fall who seemed like he had some potential for something long term. We even talked on the phone a couple times (something that in my mind led me to believe that we would meet eventually). When we talked again online later, I finally asked him about meeting. He replied that he "froze up" upon meeting someone in person. I could kick myself for not asking him WHY he would be on a dating site if he had no plans on meeting anyone. I don't think we really talked much after that conversation, but it made zero sense to me that a guy would have his profile on 2 dating sites but claim that he was too nervous to actually meet someone. I agree if they hesitate about meeting, to simply move on. Some are content to instant message or e-mail for months without ever meeting. I personally like a lot of online talks before meeting provided that meeting is never in question; that we both know that we want to meet. Otherwise, it's a waste of everyone's time.