"Chemistry"
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| Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:23pm |
After going out on many internet dates and dates in general in my life, I've come to this conclusion about chemistry. I think the word gets thrown around too much because I've felt instant chemistry with womanizers, liars and commitmentphobes. Most of the nice and decent guys I've gone out with I didn't feel that level of excitement for because they didn't say all the right things to entice me. Sometimes chemistry could have happened but I wasn't physically attracted to them or they weren't physically attracted to me. In situations where the attraction was mutual though and the guy wasn't a womanizer, liar or commitmentphobe, there was chemistry, especially if the guy paid attention to me and looked in my eyes.
So in a sense, I feel that chemistry has more to do with how the other person makes you feel about yourself (ie. desirable, interesting) more than anything else. I could find something in common with every guy I date since I'm a pretty good conversationalist I would like to think so I don't think it has that much to do with things in common.
This realization makes me think about all the people out there who are chasing chemistry when in can be very deceptive. At this point in my life, I don't want excitement, fun, mystery, etc. with a guy because I've had that already and all with guys who broke my heart or played games with me. I find reliability, sincerity and directness much more appealing because I know all those things are genuine. In fact, the more fun I have with a guy, the more I doubt it will work out with him so I'd rather be a little unexcited at times. I think the guys who make us feel like, well, I like him but I'm not head over heels into him, are the ones who will end up sticking around the longest. So I'm no longer chasing chemistry and look forward to dates where I feel something but nothing like the feeling that I've met "the one" which I've had only with guys who turned out to not be "the one."
Just some thoughts I felt like sharing to see if others felt the same way. What are your thoughts on this?

I agree with how easy it is to feel chemistry with the wrong guy (womanizers and liars are usually good manipulators). --Moreso in my younger years. I've learned to not get carried away and instead to stay cautious and truly get to know someone.
"At this point in my life, I don't want excitement, fun, mystery, etc. with a guy because I've had that already and all with guys who broke my heart or played games with me. I find reliability, sincerity and directness much more appealing because I know all those things are genuine."
Definitely! I could have written that! I have learned that "chemistry" isn't powerful enough to win me over without the other qualities that you mentioned, reliability, sincerity, and directness (and many other qualities).
It's funny though, because I haven't felt "chemistry" with a guy for a long time. I am getting a good dose of it with the current guy I'm talking to; I'm enjoying it but that doesn't mean I'm chasing it and being blind to the other qualities that I MUST have. Creating a good balance with the right guy is worth the pursuit. I'm actually considering male friends who have been around for the long haul...I wonder if I could spark some chemistry with one of them...I probably could, but it may adversely affect the friendship if it didn't work, or maybe not.
Edited 11/16/2006 10:25 pm ET by chanadevorah
I agree that most people put too much emphasis just on the chemistry part of the relationship. It's not that the chemistry itself is bad. The problem is that people get so entirely caught up in the chemistry that they don't want to pay attention to the other stuff. They just want to believe that everything is wonderful so that those exciting feelings will last. If they notice stuff that makes them uneasy about the relationship, they'll try to dismiss so as not to spoil their fun rather than think that maybe it's something serious that should be looked into. By the time people wake up and realize the serious problems, it's much harder to deal with because they've already invested way too much into the relationship. I wouldn't say that you should necessarily rule out somebody just because you have chemistry in the beginning of the relationship, but I do think you need to make sure you're being extra-cautious. The other problem is that some people date just for the chemistry. They'll say they're looking for somebody to settle down with, but as soon as things start to settle down, they want to find the next new and exciting thing.
By the way, you would probably be interested in the book, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" by John Van Epp. He talks a lot about the things you describe and gives a lot of good advice about how to avoid those problems without giving up on the idea of finding love. Here is a page that describes the book: http://nojerks.com/TheBook/AboutBook.htm