chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
chemistry
8
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:41am

I thought this would be an interesting post-- from previous posts we all believe chemistry is more than just physical attraction. It is physical attraction first and then some sort of bond/connection w/that person and there are sparks.(emotional/spiritual)

HOw long do you give to see if it is there? Do you have one date or 3 dates or continue on for months?

How long do you ignore the fact there just isnt something there because he seems like such a good guy and good catch? Or you don't and you just move on?

HOw important is it for you to have chemistry?

my answers: I think it is very important and I usually give it some time like 3-4 dates because I know the first date is awkard and that is where the physical attraction comes in . But I am starting to question that I have ignored my feelings of chemistry beyond 3-4 dates and thinking I should not ignore this and by the 4th date if its not there then move on and look for someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:28pm

For me personally its all about the chemistry. I have had amazing chemistry with men who were really good looking and men who my friends said "you like him????" - i.e. bald or overweight or really short (5'5 or under) or something they thought was a major fault. I can see when a guy is really physically attractive but still have no chemistry with him at all. I find with me too I give it two dates - 99% of the time its there from the get-go - from the moment I first get within 5 feet of them; on rare occasions it takes the 2nd meeting for it to happen. I have learned that if it isn't there by the 2nd meet it is never going to happen (and I have tested this theory by going on 3rd and 4th dates with people I haven't felt that instant "spark" with and all I can think about during those dates is "oh please don't touch me or try to kiss me or anything - and some of these have been pretty good looking men". I never judge someone by their photo (except if its very, very obvious I wouldn't like them) and always meet to see if I feel that spark. One particular guy that it frustred me to know end that I had no spark with was a guy I went on 4 dates with - educated, great job, travelled a lot (a passion of mine), really nice, easy to get along with and talk to - but absolutely nothing for me as far as chemistry - my friends joked with me "can't you make yourself like him where he is so great?".

mom of 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:21pm

It kind of depends on how you define "chemistry". I think that a lot of the time, people define it as physical/sexual heat and chemistry.

I've had that, have incredible versions of it in fact where we were almost always winding up ripping each other's clothes off, but it ultimately takes more than that to build and sustain a decent relationship, IMO.

To me, "chemistry" overall is more than just the physical/sexual thing. It's how we walk down the sidewalk together, or whether we really listen and communicate with each other while having a conversation (versus talking over each other), or if we can just enjoy each other's company.

Chemistry is such a mysterious thing- if we can figure out what factors go into it, we could make a mint as matchmakers.

In any case, I need at least some of the first kind (physisexual- I just made that word up, whaddya think?) in the first couple of dates. Doesn't have to be that "ohmigoddomerightnownownow" kind of chemistry (although, hey, that's cool) but it definitely has to have some kind of spark there.

Then I need the emoto-mental chemistry (guess what- another new word) within another date or three.

So either way, it's maybe 5 or 6 dates, and if it's not there then I have to regretfully say "sorry, we're just not quite right..." and it's time for NEXT.

Avatar for bluebird1234
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:46pm

There definitely has to be a chemistry of some sort on the first date. If its iffy, I go out out again, to see which way it will go. If its not there after the 2nd date, then I'll either decline to go out a third time, OR, and I have done this, let the guy know I enjoy his company, but see him in more of a friends role, than a dating one. Sometimes they want to go out at some point in the future, sometimes they don't.

Chemistry is different for each guy, no one thing triggers it. I always find it interesting the types of things that draw me to one guy. Personality plays a big role, as long as the guy is even average looking, there can be a big chemical reaction.

In the long run, though I know its possible for chemistry to develop over a long period of time, I think this happens more with people you see on a daily basis outside of a dating relationship (i.e., at work, or school), not people you are out with on a date. If I don't feel at least some chemistry after two dates, then I know its not going to be there, and I move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:29pm

>>HOw long do you give to see if it is there? Do you have one date or 3 dates or continue on for months?<<

As far as chemistry goes, I usually feel it right away. I do undertsand that some people can be so nervous at first meets that this can hinder their true personality from showing, so if I feel something for them and they seem to have the first meet jitters, I will usually give it a second chance for a meeting. By that time, they are usually more at ease and more themselves and then I can get a more accurate reading or feeling for their personality. But I would say I wouldn't go past 2 dates if there wasn't much interest there for me after I had given them a chance to not be so nervous at a second meeting.

>>How long do you ignore the fact there just isnt something there because he seems like such a good guy and good catch? Or you don't and you just move on?<<

Can't say I've ever done that. I have to feel at least a little something in order to continue dating and I figure it's not worth it to him or to myself to continue if there isn't something happening, no matter how good or nice he is.

>>HOw important is it for you to have chemistry?<<

I feel that chemistry is very important in a relationship. Without chemistry it's just a friends thing really. Certaintly the attraction can grow into more as the relationshiip progresses, but if it's not there at all in the beginning, I don't feel that it's something that can be forced to happen or that you can acquire over time.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:43am

I've had chemistry occur within the first two dates. In fact, the two people that I loved the most I did not feel "knock-me-over-with-a-feather" chemistry until date two. There was something there on date one, but it was more of an active interest. I've also felt chemistry from the get-go, only to have it fade when I've gotten to know them better (this has happened more often than I would have liked). What I've never had is chemistry develop where it had been non-existent from the first meet.

BTW, when I say chemistry, I don't mean physical attraction. Physical attraction is a result of chemistry but not the cause. Chemistry is much more complicated than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:50am
I had that happen last fall. I met someone online, his picture wasn't that great but he sounded interesting. We met for coffee (shocker) and found we had gone to school together. Conversation was okay but there just wasn't anything THERE. I gave him a second and third chance, hoping I'd feel something, but nothing. I think alot of it had to do with the fact he was shorter than me and very 'artsy fartsy' and that's not me. So I sent a polite "there's no chemistry" email and he agreed. Having THAT feeling is very important to me in a relationship. But I will give it a second try, just to see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:19am
I think 4 dates would be my limit. Here lately have been cutting it off at two. Maybe that is too soon, but I do not want the guy to feel like he is being led on in any manner. I have met some great guys lately but haven't any inclination to kiss them. Chemistry can be a bummer.

Michele

Michele
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:09pm
yeah and I think that is where I am w/ this guy. great guy, treats me wonderfully and he is even cute.. but I just don't feel that connection,bond.. Even though we have great conversations and can relate and all just no "spark" and we have gone out 4 dates.. its just a feeling I agree that is unexplainable..