Chickened Out

Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Chickened Out
6
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 5:57pm

Hey everyone, I know I don't post here much anymore and I hate to run back here b/c I have a problem, but I honestly don't know who else to talk about it with. I mentioned in my little update post about a guy I met on a dating site.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 1:25am
If there are reasons to doubt the relationship

you should be honest with yourself, and the other

person. Are you both comfortable with what it means

to have a long distance relationship?

How many miles is it? Where is he from originally?

Do you live in your hometown now? Does he?

My point is this, relationships can have many

variables and should be recognized, analyzed,

honestly and openly between both parties.

And you haven't even met yet? One of you might

be disappointed. I had a date last month with

someone I met online, E-mailed, IM'd, phone

conversations, off & on over 4 months. We were

only about 15 miles apart. I didn't want a 2nd

date, she may have since she contacted me again.

But I didn't contact her so I wasn't interested.

I hope it works out favorably for both of you,

and after some careful thought it just may. But

me, I'd like to meet the girl next door. Oh wait

a minute, I do like this girl in Florida, it's

only 1800 miles!

You're not a baby, don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks to the Internet there are more & more

connections being made over distances. In fact

I'd be shocked to get a date with someone within

10 miles!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 11:19am
I think that you didn't want to meet him because you are uneasy about the difference between the persona on line and the one in person - and especially since you were going to drive a great distance. Over the past two months I've met about 17 men in person - the most we emailed was three times before we met and we had two brief conversations - one exception - I talked to one of them three times or so - so I had no expectations or nerves in any of the cases because we had no real contact prior to the date other than to make sure we at least could have a nice phone conversation and so I could do my various safety screenings - I also might be nervous if I let myself develop an attachment before meeting especially if I had to travel a great distance. Don't beat yourself up over it - when I was your age it was a bigger deal to me - now that I've been a professional for many years and I have constant contact with people in social situations -where we are trying to get business, etc or to get someone to join a theater group - to me a first date where I don't know the person is no different than meeting with a stranger in a professional setting - sure I am somewhat hopeful there will be a romantic click or connection but only somewhat - and not enough to get me nervous. Also, I "know" I am a catch and I "know" that if I am rejected after a first meeting I'll be just fine. If you don't have that sense of self worth I can see where you might not be able to stomach meeting in person. Just give it some thought and please don't beat yourself up - dating is not easy.
Avatar for singlemom224
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 7:11pm
I really don't know what to say Linds .. but I remember that "baby" feeling. Truth is, I was to chicken to meet ANYONE until I met my current guy (I just knew I HAD to meet him .. thankfully I resisted the urge to chicken out). Maybe it's just that instinct telling you something isn't right. Take some time to breathe & think it through .. & then try again. If it's right, IMO you'll know. Listen to your gut, mine's never been wrong. Good luck to ya hon! :O)
Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 8:09pm

Thanks everyone for your responses! I did some thinking and I figured out mostly why I didn't want to meet him. I think I was uncomfortable with me having to drive to see him. I would be in an area that was unfamiliar to me and I would much rather it be up here on my turf. It was also just the whole insecure thing where I was afraid that once he saw me he'd be like "what was I thinking?" I wrote him an email and told him this and he was absolutely understanding and said he'd have no problems driving up here once his car is fixed. He also told me that he would never think that about seeing me. We talked on the phone for an hour and a half last night and things are still great, so hopefully we'll be able to meet in the next week or 2 and then I may have some more exciting news to share!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 7:19am
I am a little surprised you told him of those concerns - before I meet someone I like to portray an image of confidence - even if I am nervous it is none of his business and I don't want to give the impression that I do not think I'm a catch (typically I do but of course we all have our moments and days ;-)). If he is not attracted to you - so what? - chemistry and physical attraction is what divides friendship from more - would you really feel rejected if he happened not to be into you in that way? I barely even feel a twinge when I believe I am being rejected for that reason. I have met from on line conventionally gorgeous (!!!) guys - who didn't do it for me - and less thatn stud-like men who totally did. I had one man say "you're not what I expected" - upon meeting me. OK - did it bother me that he didn't find me attractive - no, it bothered me that he was rude and lacked any semblancce of class or common sense.

My advice - until you meet, IM only occasionally - don't grow your expectations or attachment any more - and expect that you will meet a stranger for lunch and at best you will get some practice at dating. Any further expectations are just setting yourself up for disappointment, IMO.

Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 12:19pm
I'm glad you told him your concerns, Lindsay. I'd rather see you meet this man in your own city. I would prefer any woman I know (or not know, as far as that goes) to do that. It's just a little safer that way.

As far as you being worried about what he'll think of you once you meet, I think most of us have kind of felt the same way at some time in our lives. Especially when we're younger. It's just something that needs to be worked on. I think most ppl would feel hurt that someone they had hoped to have a relationship with, decided once they met, that it just wasn't what they had hoped. What you need to do though, is to understand that what one man finds unattractive, another man will absolutely love!

I'd love to tell you a few stories sometime, Lindsay. Something I think you can identify with. If you'd like to talk about this sometime, let me know by emailing me.

Kelly

lewinsky0857@rogers.com