Children & Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Children & Dating
21
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:14am

What is a good time frame to invite someone you're dating over to your home?

I have kids and I am finding it harder to date. They are not babies, but I do worry about them when I am out. I met someone and he is really interested in me. We have gone out twice and planned two more dinner dates for next week. He drives a little over an hour to see me and we meet at a restaurant. I would like to spend more time with him without worrying about how long I am out.
Or, maybe not neccessarily at home but, "bumping into him" at a bowling alley and introduce him as a friend. I'm not worried about my kids getting attached to someone quickly. They're more attached to their video games than anything else. Typical teenagers.
I would just like to know what would be an appropriate time. Thanks

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:48am

I would wait 2 months or so. You don't know this man well at all at this point, so before you invite him into your home, you need to spend a whole lot more time with him so you have a chance to evaluate his character, etc. Even if your kids don't get attached, you don't want to bring someone into contact with them who is a question mark.

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 12:24pm

My point of view is that if I am to pursue a relationship with someone, getting a sense of how they interact with my son is vital. My situation is a little different as my son is 4-1/2 and I know I'm looking for a LTR with someone who's open to eventually accepting him as a stepson. Enjoying hanging out with my son is something I would expect from any friend, even more so for a 'friend-plus' if you will. So I do prefer to have some casual introduction somewhat early on - not immediately, but once I have a clear sense that someone is well suited for ME.

I was lucky enough to meet someone utterly wonderful about a month ago, and she spent the day out & about with me and DS last week. We had a great mother's day brunch, went out hiking on the long trails of a local park, then went to a friend's BBQ. The two of them hit it off fabulously which is exactly what I'd hoped for. Then again it's also easier to get a quicker sense of a person when they're right in town as opposed to an hour away - it's just inherently easier to be able to spend more time together.

There are some who would say wait at least 4-6 months, or even wait until you start seriously considering marriage! Personally I can't even fathom considering marrying someone who I haven't already seen a significant interaction with DS. But then it may be very different when your kids are older. When it comes down to it, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, you are the only one who can decide what approach is right for you & your situation.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 12:46pm

Lurker here, with a six year old daughter. i agree w/ phoenix. There just aren't steadfast rules that work for everyone. You know your children and the level they are at and the activities which may encourage attachment and which won't.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:38pm
I respectfully disagree with the notion of my dates meeting my children "early on". My kids are 12 and 14 and the last thing I am interested in doing is parading a lot of different men transiently by them. I have had many meets, some I dated a few times and one I dated for several months.... none has yet to meet my kids...
TB
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:46pm
ok, I need to reply to my own reply... dating is not like having friends... when I introduce my kids to my friends, they are generally people that are always there for us and vice versa... they do not go by the wayside... dates on the other hand come and go... what do I say to my kids when Mr. Don from last week is no longer coming over to visit ... instead this week is Mr. Mike??? Kids are best served separated from this crazy realm... when my relationship is ready to meet the kids... Im sure I will recognize it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:03pm

My kids are 5.5 -- so I don't have as much introducing them. At that age I don't feel kids really know what is going on and we always agree to make it more of a play date type meeting than to introduce someone as a gf/bf.

As kids get older I do agree that it's more of an issue - because they know from the start what is going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:35am
Is there an age that you plan to "stop" bringing dates to meet your kids?
TB
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:21pm

Yeah, having your kids meet your SO is tricky. My kids met my current BF at 3 months, give or take. They're 14 and 16 and they pushed for a meet. Their logic was that I always want to know who they're hanging out with, so why shouldn't they meet who I hang with. Tough to argue with that. I didn't have alot of "dates" for them to meet, so having a parade of men coming and going wasn't an issue.

The other issue to consider is, how does he feel about it? My BF was all in favor of it when I asked him. All parties should be comfortable.

But I would seriously wait until you've been seeing him longer (2 to 4 months?). Two dates are definitley not long enough in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 8:07pm
I don't know what age I'd stop bringing dates to meet my kids. I haven't really thought of it - perhaps in the hopes that I'll soon be free of this ridiculous dating game. I probably wouldn't bring them any date around unless I was fairly certain that she possessed the qualities that I'm looking for in a long term relationship. I really don't arrange a second or later date unless I can see that there is some potential.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 6:39am
Thanks for your replies. I had picked up a single parenting book and it says to wait until you are exclusive. And we are not there yet. Most dates I have don't go past the 3rd date so I never even thought about asking them over.
I did let him know that it is difficult for me to spend alot of time away from home and he understood. He is coming down and a bit closer to where I live so I can check in on the kids a bit more frequently and still have time with him.
So, that's a good sign.

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