Children & Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Children & Dating
21
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:14am

What is a good time frame to invite someone you're dating over to your home?

I have kids and I am finding it harder to date. They are not babies, but I do worry about them when I am out. I met someone and he is really interested in me. We have gone out twice and planned two more dinner dates for next week. He drives a little over an hour to see me and we meet at a restaurant. I would like to spend more time with him without worrying about how long I am out.
Or, maybe not neccessarily at home but, "bumping into him" at a bowling alley and introduce him as a friend. I'm not worried about my kids getting attached to someone quickly. They're more attached to their video games than anything else. Typical teenagers.
I would just like to know what would be an appropriate time. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:24am

That is a VERY good sign! Most men don't even want to bother to meet for coffee if you have kids (lol), let alone accomodate or schedule around your responsibilities with them.

My current BF is always understanding and usually accomodating. That's important because he understands that most of the time my kids come first. There isn't much discussion about it.

What's really nice, now that our r'ship has progressed, is that if I have to drop one kid off or pick one up, he'll come along. He even came to a couple of their hockey games this past season. But he still hasn't gotten up the nerve to sit through a band concert or dance recital!! LOL!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:33am

The people that I've been meeting and who I seem to have the most in common with are also sole custodial parents. That presents an interesting dilema about how to find the free time to date and get to know one another.


I would never consider introducing my kids early on to anyone in any role other than someone we're going to do some fun things with. I'd never let on to the kids (remember mine are young and won't figure this stuff out right away) that there was anything potentially romantic going on.


So far that seems to be happy medium to never being able to date because the other person is always with their kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:41am
One thing from experience. I have met men who pushed me to meet my daughter too early. (Under the completely understandable impression that it was considerate or that it would show me how open they were to dating a mom.) That tells me they don't understand that they're dating ME, not US, or they don't respect the boundaries I"m trying to set as a parent. (I'm pretty sure only one of them was a pedophile, and THAT never got past the first email, but you can't be too careful.) Children can get caught up pretty easily and very quickly in a fantasy of mom/dad and 'date' forming a happy household, especially if they haven't had that or miss it a lot. We forget that their perspective is waaayyy less realistic than ours, and I feel it's our job not to do ANYTHING that will set them up with false hope about that. They may not understand the difference between dating and being engaged, for example, no matter how much you try to explain it; their little hearts can be easily broken.


Edited 5/17/2005 11:43 am ET ET by sposabella
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:22pm

Sposa said-"pretty sure only one of them was a pedophile, and THAT never got past the first email, but you can't be too careful"

That is one of my biggest fears. If I am adamant about anything, it is exposure to my children. On a rare occasion have I felt comfortable enough to let anyone I have ever dated meet my children?

Even dating them for 6 mos. At that time it was very little. I have never been involved enough to plan marriage, so therefore it was not necessary to get them involved.

You just never know what happens.

Sposa-What did the email of that guy who wrote you...say that gave you the insight? I am just curious.

To all dating mothers....I firmly believe that you can never be too safe. And although you are a woman who wants to date....you are a mother first!

Okay....I will now get off my soap box!

Jodie




Edited 5/18/2005 9:06 am ET ET by truewild1969

 

http://tickers.ticke

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:22pm

>>their little hearts can be easily broken.


Ain't it the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:02pm
Hi Jodie, it was a pretty easy guess...he emailed me and asked if he could read to my daughter (I had said in my ad that I had a 'clone.') I wrote him back and said no, and added 'you shouldn't ask women about their kids that way, it freaks them out.' His incredibly creepy reply: "It doesn't freak ALL of them out."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:38pm

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Now, I would have thought the complete opposite. My HS age daughters are pretty savvy when it comes to relationships. They know you can be really crazy about someone and it still may not work out. My older daughter has had 3 BF's and is no stranger to the twists and turns a r'ship can take. They have no expectations. They never even mention the "M" word! But they also know I'm not looking to jump into anything.

I know they genuinely like my BF, but I also know they're not thinking "Daddy". A father figure does not seem important to them. We've come to like being 3 girls on our own!

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:11pm

Well, maybe both! Maybe a lot of young'uns are cool with it or maybe my son is just extra-cool (teehee) and I can see how highschoolers have some more sense of like you said, things may or may not last. I'm certainly no child psychiatrist.

I'm sure it makes a difference WHY you're a single parent and/or how well co-parenting is working with the ex (if any). And if the ex (if any) has a SO of their own. My son's father (aka sperm donor) has never been involved, so there was no 'loss' of a parent if you will, and I'm sure that fact has some influence. Friendly vs messy/ugly divorces probably make some difference. So does one marriage vs multiple marriages. There's a whole slew of factors involved in how kids form attachments or not, which is exactly why I say there's no one-size-fits-all answer.

Good points... and glad to hear you sounding less stressed about boatguy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 8:04pm
Had to throw in on this one. I have three kids ranging from 13 (almost 14) to 5 (almost 6) 2 girls and a boy. My philopshy is, and has always been, to just tell them the truth about what is going on in my life. I don't go into details but I do mention that I am dating so and so or have a bf or whatever. Never put a whole lot of thought into if/when they should/would meet a date. They have meet 4 of the people I dated and all 4 were people I dated for longer periods of time or were my BF. I view dating as a natural and healthy part of life, not something to hide from my kids. And even go so far as to say I would rather my children be exposed to my dating and in healthy relationships in a casual manner than being exposed to a miserable unhappy marriage. And also that they learn it is ok to terminate a realtionship that isn't healthy or good for both people. And they have all been perfectly happy with that approach. It isn't really an issue any longer as I am done with all that. When they meet my current BF, it was completely unplanned and just happened and it was all good. As a matter of fact, this past friday, my BF and I went to a school function, a variety show :-) and had a great time. No twisting of arms or anything, he wanted to go and while we were there was telling me to get closer for pictures, lol. (and this is w/ my ex spouse being there also)
my take, for what its worth, but it works for me and mine very well.
Jynna
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:57pm

>>I would rather my children be exposed to my dating and in healthy relationships in a casual manner than being exposed to a miserable unhappy marriage. And also that they learn it is ok to terminate a realtionship that isn't healthy or good for both people.

This approach may not be comfortable for everyone, but I think you raise some very good points here! I generally believe it's better to be open & honest (to a comfortable degree) than to be secretive. Also the best way to teach kids values is by setting a good example, and certainly we all want our kids to have healthy relationships, and to know that it's also better to be 'alone' than in a bad relationship.