Chivalry, being a gentleman, and OLD

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Chivalry, being a gentleman, and OLD
9
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:49pm

Is it just me? Or does it seem as though many men are not very well versed in matters of courtesy.

Perhaps this is simply the result of individual upbringing, or just a sign of our ever changing times. But do you feel that "politeness" and "courtesy" are seemingly becoming a thing of the past in dating?

Some of my personal experiences have included men who seemed reluctant to pay the bill though *they* had asked me out, or expected me to do all the driving on dates.

So, has the world of dating and basic courtesy changed much over the past few decades? I'm curious to hear what others think.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:12pm

I've encountered a few men who did not seem to be well-versed in basic dating manners and courtesy, but they are more the exception than the rule in my experience. It may be a generational thing, though; the men I meet and date are generally in their late 40s and early 50s. Is that a different age group than the men you're meeting?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:16pm

Is it just me? Or does it seem as though many men are not very well versed in matters of courtesy.


 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:36pm

The men I have dated have mostly been white color types, early to late 30s. Most recently, I dated a physician- but perhaps all those years of studying might have contributed to his lack of knowledge in the dating arena...lol.

I live near a major metropolitan area, so perhaps it's just my *luck* I've been meeting these types of men. I regard my standards as being fairly high, but not unreasonably so. Despite this, I'm continuing to find the pool of genuinely sincere men falling short.

Great profiles, emails and intelligent phone conversations aside- basic courtesy seems to go out the door once they become comfortable. I also realize that it's only a matter of time before the right one comes along (I'm not worried about that), it would just be nice to meet a few men with a "clue" in the meantime :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 1:43pm

Hmmm, that is interesting.

 
 
Avatar for phoenixmama
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 3:39pm

Maybe I'm just weird... maybe it's because I'm youngish (27) but SOME of the ideas of 'chivalry' are just silly to me. Or just situational. Like opening the car door... fabulous on the way in. But I'll shut it myself, thank you. And I certainly won't sit there and expect someone to open my door on my way OUT of the car (old-school chivalry) like they're my chauffeur. Pull out my seat at the restaurant, fine. But don't push it in for me when I sit, I'll get myself situated. Opening the door, I say whoever gets there first holds it. Don't make a point of walking behind me on the stairs - I don't want to feel like you're blatantly checking out my booty. Chivalry would suggest that a date pick me up at my house - but on the first several dates I expect to meet them there. If we live some distance away, maybe meet me closer to my area.

For a casual coffee meet I expect to go dutch. On the first several dates, I take the 'whoever asks, pays' philosophy. Once you start dating regularly, it makes more sense to take turns paying, or whoever has more disposable income can pay more often. Maybe I'm just lucky but I've never had a problem with this.

The 'manners' that are most important to me are more along the lines of listening without interrupting, mostly just common courtesy stuff like you would with your friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 4:37pm

In general, I have found men to be mostly chivalrous and polite. Most guys have insisted on paying even when I offer to pay for my own. Since we don't ride together to the first couple of meets, the car door is not an issue and generally the restaurant/coffee shop door is not an issue either since we meet inside. With the guy I am currently seeing, he is polite and opens doors for me most of the time (including the car door) but we often alternate paying - he pays the majority of the checks but I pay a good amount too.

One friend however was marveling at how her new b/f opened her car doors for her. When she said that, it surprised me b/c most of my b/fs have done that so I guess it is something I thought most guys did.

For me, it could just be more the southern thing. I think that in general, most people are a little more polite down here in Texas.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 4:46pm

u wrote:

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 2:46am

Most of the guys I have met have been very polite and have had good manners. I date mostly later 30's and early 40's. Some were not as good at their table manners, but that is possibly something they were not taught.

My last bf(37) always opened the car door for me and doors of places we were going into. He picked up the tab almost always and when I would try to pay wouldn't let me. There were a few times I paid quickly for a movie because I had the cash out and in my hand (folded up so he didn't see it) and paid while he was getting out his wallet. He'd try to give me the cash and I wouldn't take it, I'd say you always pay so let me this time. He wouldn't like it but eventually would put away his money. But I bought some things for his place like some great candles, ordered some special coffee mugs with an aviation theme (since he loved to fly planes), and things like that, that he appreciated.

I have never had to pay on a meet, except when we meet for coffee like at a Starbucks and I like to be there first, so I get my coffee before he gets there. I don't like to be the one looking around for him! Plus I get to size him up before he sees me! ;) But I'm sure eventually that it will happen and I'll meet the dutch-type guy! But I think maybe it is in the 20's that the dutch thing is more prevalent and maybe the earlier 30's.

Plus I am old fashioned in some ways. If I felt it was important for both to pay half, then I would come across as that and it would happen that way I am sure. If there is hesitation with the bill and it has set there for awhile, I'll say, well we better take care of that, and then they usually say, oh I'll get that, and I say well thank you Steve. I think many men still like to be the one to pay, at least in the age bracket I date in. But that is JMHO.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:21pm

Hi Y'all,

I feel that Sunshine and SP have stated it well. I do think that older men(45-55) go by the 'old school' method of how to treat a lady and I really like that; it shows respect and concern for the female he is with. I am raising my two teen sons with the same values: "Southern Born/Southern Bred".

But we do not corner the market on manners here (Have you Seen an episode of Jerry Springer? omg! :0). Tall Man would Never let me open my purse to pay for anything, at any time.He would prob be offended if I offered. I have done the same for little 'paybacks' for him; such as buying small items like nice candles for the house, a bottle of wine and snacks for us, and also try to do little things, in general, to make his life just That much sweeter. Case in point: I am driving his Very nice car this week, while he is out of town. The tire was low, so I took it to where he bought the tires, the warranty covered a new tire, and I had them rotate and balance them all, while they were there--all free with his extended warranty--But..it saved him valuable time. I told him about it like this: "Honey, I took care of the car, now you can play golf on Saturday morning" He was Tres grateful! And I am thrilled, too! I do not have the money he has, so I cannot do much, monetarily, but I can in other ways.

On Planet Cupcake, when I did OLD, I Never took my purse in for a first date--just a little clutchy bag with lipstick, etc. First dates Should be on the man if they ask. If you are younger and do not feel these 'rules' apply to you,then that is cool--but being treated like TM's Princess is awesome!

Good luck to all!!

Truly,
Cupcake