Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?
Find a Conversation
Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?
| Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:22pm |
What's the difference? Please esplain this to me because they seem one in the same to me. It's why I don't believe there is such a thing as "commitment phobia". I'd love to hear real life examples of the difference between the two.

Pages
"It's why I don't believe there is such a thing as "commitment phobia"
I'm with you on this, KiTB --
I think "commitmentphobia" is just a handy pop-culture buzzword to try to explain WHY a guy isn't into you.
That said, I did date a man for two years who had all the classic symptoms of what is referred to as commitmentphobia. For two frantic years, I read all the despairing self-help books, highlighter in hand, trying to understand him (ugh; I get sick thinking of the wasted time) and what I came to understand was, it's not that he didn't want a commitment, he just didn't want a commitment with ME.... He just wasn't that into me!!
Tracy
that is so weird, i just wrote a post regarding my committment phobia i went to therapy for. yes there is a thing such as CP stuff. But people tend to throw it around losely with guys who are not "into you". the difference is that a guy will act wishy washy with you - the determining factor is the guy really is afraid to committ and the "not into you" guy just doesn't like you that muhc - not bc he is afraid of committment.
I think both senarios look alike, you will only know until some time has passed. Plus committment phobic guys will pursue you aggressively, then disappear - either slowly or abruptly. You will know a CP is after you because he'll be telling you all these lovely things and make you think he really wants this intimate relationship. Then all of sudden its like he doesn't like the way you eat and that is the excuse to break up.
Hope this helps a little.
Commitment phobic = Unable or unwilling to enter into a healthy long term relationship. From the start you don't allow yourself to be put into a position of being vulnerable - of opening yourself up to someone or really getting to know them. You might even date people with whom deep down (or pretty clearly) know that there is no potential for a long term relationship. You never really allow yourself to get emotionally attached to someone. Or you might form an unhealthy attachment.
JNTIY = Capable of forming a healthy long term relationship and wanting one - either now or at some point in the future. You date someone as long as your benefitting in some way. When it no longer suits your needs, you end it. This could be after the first date or after several months. There's no timeline. It ends because the other person is not who you want for a long term relationship.
(I had really good and more detailed definitions earlier but they disappeared into cyberspace when
-- I agree w/ what you are saying ..
"Commitment phobic = Unable or unwilling to enter into a healthy long term relationship. From the start you don't allow yourself to be put into a position of being vulnerable - of opening yourself up to someone or really getting to know them. You might even date people with whom deep down (or pretty clearly) know that there is no potential for a long term relationship. You never really allow yourself to get emotionally attached to someone. Or you might form an unhealthy attachment.
JNTIY = Capable of forming a healthy long term relationship and wanting one - either now or at some point in the future. You date someone as long as your benefitting in some way. When it no longer suits your needs, you end it. This could be after the first date or after several months. There's no timeline. It ends because the other person is not who you want for a long term relationship.
"
To add- some c'phobes men and women will admit they have these issues.. and as for your guy TRACY did he have a pattern of not committing and did he ever get married and if so how many years ,women did it take?
MY man was a clear c'phobe.. they fear intimacy in every aspect and that means in bed too! Most c'phobe have been deeply hurt in the past and cannot let go of it, and have huge trust issues, w/ the opposite sex so they don't let anyone in.. Someday maybe the do wake up and realize they are are alone..
But I know women tht will admit to be c'phobe. and c'phobes go for people that feel "safe" meaning people that are not available, long distance r'ships, emotionally unavailable partners. But sometimes it is used too loosely and honestly I believe alot of us have symptoms of c'phobes..
Who really will ever know.. but if a man or woman tells you this is there issue, why would they lie about something so negative except to continue seeing you and getting benefits /instead of saying they are not into you. MOst Cphobes will leave when the pressure is on and you say you want more.. but i guess that can go the same w/someone that is just in it for the benefits too becasue they know they are not going to get anymore.
While I think it's over-diagnosed, there are definitely people to whom the label applies. The real telling point is whether they are able to commit to anything in their lives. True c'phobes not only have trouble forming lasting, committed romantic r'ships, they move from job to job, don't have long-standing friendships, don't own homes, etc.
But ultimately, when a r'ship ends, it doesn't really matter what label you put on it, IMO...the bottom line is, the person wasn't right for you, whether it's because he has commitment issues or HJNTIY or whatever. The end result is the same.
Sheri
Edited 5/24/2005 1:43 am ET ET by northwestwanderer
I don't think there is a difference. The "commitmentphobe" is stringing you along because he is deriving some benefit. The JNTIY person is a bit more obvious by their actions which you spot and clearly see as a sign of low interest.
Either way I think they are one and the same and commitment phobe is a "softener" word used to express the same thing -- they're just not into YOU..
I don't think that's always true, kneesinthebreeze...generally, yes, but I haven't had any long term relationships and I'm not at all commitment phobic. For some reason I was not interested in dating for years, but in the last year or so am very, very interested and am seeking a long term relationship.
I know I am an extreme case but it does happen. I shudder to think that someone would not give me a chance because of that. I am sincere, loving and ready. Should I lie about my past? Don't ever think I could do that.
KITB....
PG
Sorry, I'm not clear, PG, on what you mean by this post or your question. I advocate taking your time before making a commitment to a specific person, as I think it takes a good 4-6 months of dating before you have a good idea of whether the other person is potentially right for you.
Can you clarify your question?
Sheri
Pages