Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?
24
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:22pm
What's the difference? Please esplain this to me because they seem one in the same to me. It's why I don't believe there is such a thing as "commitment phobia". I'd love to hear real life examples of the difference between the two.
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:39am

Interesting points, PG!


Most men (depending upon the woman they happen to be dating) are often put in a position where they have to choose their words very carefully! I think it's because the moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:42am

I know first hand about commitment-phobes and yes they do exist, definitely not to say every relationship that ends is because someone is scared of a commitment but yes, they do exist and some women can be the same way too. In men (and I have experienced this first-hand), the first 2-3 months of your "relationship" is very intense, they are about you 110% and say things referencing a future (so they are very "into you" and NOT HJNTIY). Very often, they have a pattern of failed short term relationships so it's sort of an indicator (but again not always). My ex was 30 years old and his longest relationship was 8 months (off an on at that). Basically, they are into you until it comes time for the honeymoon phase to wear off and they cannot handle someone getting to know the real them and getting close to them. My ex actually admitted that relationships were a problem for him and how he can't let anyone close to him (thanks to his childhood), his friends also said the same things to me after we broke up. So, yes they do exist and they tend to act the same way.

If a guy just isn't that into you, he is wishy-washy throughout the dating process, it isn't hot for a few months and then totally cold, it is lukewarm the whole time. That is the worst thing about CPs is they are really super into you for a few months and you're thinking how great it feels and then they freak out and you're left confused and wondering what happened.

Of course relationships end because one person simply feels differently about the other person, but there are CPs as well. I actually have a female friend who admits to being commitment phobic as well and she literally freaks out if a man gets to close (because of past hurt), so it isn't just an excuse that women have come up with to soften the blow of a man losing interest in them.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:44am

But... um... to answer the original question, I do think 'joyouskaya' (love the name, BTW) answered it well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:52pm

Hi Sheri!


You basically answered

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:06pm

Hi Phoenix!


As I'm sure you already know....men and women DON'T communicate in the same manner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:32pm

At age 35 - as I've mentioned several times here - I only have one relationship in my dating history. I think it's fair to say that as a teen or young adult I probably really wasn't totally into the idea of being in a committed relationship. But now (well, maybe not at this exact moment) I am open to committing to a LTR.


I know that some of the men that I've met in the last few years balked when they learned that I've only had one "real" boyfriend and that I haven't dated anyone seriously in almost

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:37pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:40pm

Shazzy, I'm with you! As a young woman, I was neither pro- nor con- committment: I never was really given the option! LOL. After many yrs of not having a relationship at all, I am ready for a REAL one.

But as for men:

On a rerun of Sex and The City this week, the women use HJNTIY to refer to men who call irregularly or who stop calling. We certainly meet plenty of these OLD...as well as the men we are not "into."

On the other hand, a man who is afraid of "committment" has been, through most of the last century, considered NORMAL. Numerous jokes have revolved around women having to lure men into marriage. A good book, How to Succeed with Men (by Copeland and Louis, two men) has long chapters dealing with getting a man to make a committment (and the authors don't even mention the word "marriage"!). They go into detail about how a man sees any kind of "committment" as giving up a lot. Of course, they are not referring to men who go online (or place personal ads of any sort) with the supposed intention of finding a LTR. But they certainly do seem to understand men. :)

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:12pm

>>>men and women DON'T communicate in the same manner.

Very very true. But in the end we are all PEOPLE and any GOOD, HEALTHY relationship should have some willingness to LEARN how to communicate well & resolve conflict well with the person you are with.

All women don't communicate in the same way. All men don't communicate in the same way. There's just as much variation & uniqueness WITHIN the subsets of male & female, as there are differences BETWEEN them, wouldn't you agree?

My booty comments were directed as a broad generalization of the vast amounts of postings all over the ivillage boards... I know you've seen them & you know this is often (sadly) true. Not always, but often enough to see the patterns.

>>>When a man DOES answer a direct question from a lady, but the answer ISN'T THE ONE SHE EXPECTED...what happens NEXT?... I don't think there's a 'graceful way' of rejecting anybody.....do you?

Always tricky... & depends what "stage" you're at, whether it's one meeting/date, or several dates, or several months or years. But the hard part comes when we're overly concerned about trying not to hurt the other person's feelings, versus doing what we KNOW to be the right thing to do for our own good. It's NEVER good, positive or healthy to string someone along when you know you are ultimately not going to stay together. It only delays the inevitable and makes it that much harder to eventually break it off. You can't sacrifice your own happiness or sanity trying to please or avoid hurting someone else.

We are all responsible for our own feelings - you can't "hurt" anyone or "please" anyone if you are acting with respect and integrity. When you know it's time to "reject" someone, all you can do is approach the situation gently and carefully. Also important to be decisive and not let the person manipulate you or change your mind. You simply let the person know as respectfully as possible that you are ultimately not a good match. If it's just a few dates, I don't think any explanation is required, but if it's an ongoing relationship, I do think it's fair to give at least one good reason that is not a personal attack or insult.

I had a 4-year on & off relationship that we both just couldn't bring ourselves to end it. We were very much in love, had a lot of mutual respect & admiration for each other, our personalities were very compatible but our lifestyles were not. We could have dragged in on for several more years but finally we had to acknowledge that we just don't have the same goals in life and we're better off pursuing different paths. Several times we broke up due to some big ugly fight, harsh words would be exchanged because we were both so frustrated, and shortly after we'd get back together with profuse apologies and promises that this time would be different, etc. Neither of us could stand having hurt each other. Finally we had a short, kind, respectful discussion of the fact that the relationship had been "over" for some time and we agreed that we should part ways, wished each other well and that was it. It wasn't commitmentphobia, it wasn't "just not into you", we were very much into each other, but there were differences that just couldn't be resolved because you CAN'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO TRY AND PLEASE SOMEONE.

Wow... we've come a long way from the original question, eh?

As for your question of "activating" an OLD relationship... do you mean something like, at what point does it go from "OLD" to being a "relationship"? If you can articulate the question a little better, perhaps we can get a new thread going on that topic so as not to get too much further off the OP? :)

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Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:22am

I know I'm getting further away from the OP (sorry, phoenixmama :), but I had to jump in here. Joyous, you're certainly not the only one who gets that reaction from guys. As a 43-year-old never-married women, I've almost come to expect the "you've never been married?!!" interrogation from my dates. I hate feeling so defensive about it and I just want to scream that not everyone's life follows the standard playbook, especially when it comes to romance.