Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Commitmentphobe or JNTIY?
24
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:22pm
What's the difference? Please esplain this to me because they seem one in the same to me. It's why I don't believe there is such a thing as "commitment phobia". I'd love to hear real life examples of the difference between the two.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:25am

Totally agree here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:44pm

To kind of bring it back to the original topic! ;-)

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I couldn't agree more kat! This is a perfect example of how the two are very different and completely separate people/situations. It is not to say (as PM said I believe) that the two are mutually exclusive - someone can be both, either or neither but I for one DO believe in commitmentphobes. A guy I dated for a while was SO into me at first. I put it off and we didn't date at first because I was not allowed to date clients while being a consultant - once he wasn't a client anymore, we were free to date we had a very intense relationship. He pursued me like crazy. He called almost every night, we went out several times a week, he was the one that brought up meeting the friends and would always talk about doing things in the future. It was obvious he was "into me" as the saying goes. Well at the 2.5 month mark, my family was coming to town (they live halfway across the country and only visit a few times a year) and I asked if he'd like to meet them - absolutely no pressure, he didn't have to, but I said it might be the only chance for the next several months but perfectly understood if he didn't want to. He declined and I thought no big deal. Well, apparently this freaked him out more than I knew. He grew distant and when I finally asked him what was wrong, he said he wasn't ready for a commitment. Ummmm, I didn't ask for one, but OK. We went back and forth for a while and finally broke it off for good several months later. He also had the classic signs of picking and staying with women that were horrible - he was with one girl for a year that cheated on him and wouldn't even kiss him for the last 6 months of their relationship. But when he had someone normal that was ready to be in a normal relationship, he couldn't handle it. THAT is a commitmentphobe whi was "into me" but not "into commitment".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:33am

Katortott-

"the first 2-3 months of your "relationship" is very intense, they are about you 110% and say things referencing a future (so they are very "into you" and NOT HJNTIY). Very often, they have a pattern of failed short term relationships so it's sort of an indicator"

"Basically, they are into you until it comes time for the honeymoon phase to wear off and they cannot handle someone getting to know the real them and getting close to them. My ex actually admitted that relationships were a problem for him and how he can't let anyone close to him (thanks to his childhood), his friends also said the same things to me after we broke up. So, yes they do exist and they tend to act the same way.

I agree and dated someone like this as well. they come on very strong and talk about future right away . and sometimes the signs are there ,but the guy I dated he stated he was getting help going to counseling and all so thats why i stayed. He admitted it but every r'ship before he sabotaged/or ran away as soon as it got too comfortable or where he had to start letting his guard down. I even said to him, I just want you to let your guard down an dhe said this is as far as I go.. some have been hurt in the past and for some reason can't move on from it..which is not fair to new women that come in their life. and has to do w/ childhood issues to. but they will intentionally and sometimes unintentially sabotage a r'ship to push buttons/ get assurance on how much this person really cares for them but then the person finally leaves because they can't stand the ambivalence.

The guy i dated seemed very into me, I really never questioned because when we were together he was "there" but he admitted he has trouble w/ r'ships and he has commitment issues just arond the time we became exclusive. He also tried to keep the r'ship from moving forward and admitted to doing that Finally I did leave because it came down to him pushing it towards that as he could not handle getting any closer.

I do know women like this as well.. people can change , but it takes a lot of work and I do think there is a big difference to JNITY vs.phobes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:41am

and I think the intention of saying most c'phobes do not have many LTR's means they have a lot of short term r'ships. They never can get past the 3-6 mnth mark w/ anyone. They may have a lot of stories to tell or dated alot of people but it ends very quickly because they cannot get closer. once you /the other person tries to get closer they run away and do whatever they can to sabotage it.

people that have had few r'ships but lasting ones and not a lot of shortterms inbetween I would not classify as someone as a c'phobe but someone that is looking for someone to build an ltr w.

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