Common backgrounds

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Common backgrounds
4
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:33pm

Common backgrounds

I was having a conversation on email with one of you not too long ago. She asked me to think of all my married friends that are in happy relationships and what they all seemed to have in common. Come to think of it they all have similar backgrounds (i.e. religious beliefs, how they were raised (aka middle class) and common goals towards marriage, family, values etc. They also had the same beliefs in spending vs. saving and how many vacations they took a year.

This got me to thinking this would make a good post. Do you all notice a pattern that most of your married friends share? Do you know very many polar opposites as far as backgrounds and values that have made it work? Do you know one friend who was poor and married rich or visa versa or someone who was religious but married out of their religion?

Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 5:19pm

I believe that it has been shown many times through research that most people wind up with someone who is their "equal" in many ways, like economic background, educational level, intelligence level, and even how relatively good-looking they are compared with the rest of their gender.

There are a few ways where "opposites attract" in personality and so forth, but as a general rule, in most characteristics people tend to wind up with someone who is a lot like them.

I think in some areas it's more important that we wind up with someone who *thinks* like we do without actually having to be identical.

For example, I'm fairly spiritual/religious, but I adhere to a group that is out of the mainstream. I do best with women who are also fairly spiritual/religious, but they don't have to be in my group; they just have to be willing to let me do my thing. However, it's okay if they're not in my group- but it's a lot easier to get along with them as long as they're fairly spiritual as well, because then they understand what motivates me and why/how I'm thinking about things like that.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, yeah, we're usually better off with someone who is more like us than unlike us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 5:41pm
I agree with the concept of connecting with common backgrounds but also there's a geographic connection as well. I once had a boyfriend I met on Match who, like me he had kids, we were the same age, we both loved sports. He is from Chicago and I'm from San Diego but we both live in Phoenix Arizona. We got along great and are still friends today. My husband - who I met on Yahoo personals, does not have kids but he grew up in Northern California and we are 2 years apart in age. We share a kindred spirit growing up on the west coast as teens in the 1970's - same type of rock music, quirky little pharmacy's that now don't exist, etc... just the general sameness of an era living on the west coast that it's hard to compare but we share so many laughs over this. I think that's probably what kept us together over seeing other people that were met on OLD.
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:25pm
Love to hear more responses... Thanks sP I think it makes a great post !! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 9:14am

I think that the more demographics that two people have in common, the harder it is to make a connection. Not that it can't happen or that there aren't wonderfully happy couples who buck this trend. I think it's just more difficult in general. And then even when you are a couple, the more differences the more chances for conflict or misunderstandings.

I am NOT looking for someone that is a carbon copy of myself. -- There can be but one of me after all! ;o) -- And I think a few minor differences can help balance the relationship. And make life more interesting. However I would be very cautious about beginning anything with a guy who had a different family background, from a different area, with income much different from my own, with a different level of education, different race, and different religion. There's probably more, but those are the biggies. Any one (or two?) of those categories different and maybe. Three or more and I think I would walk away.

I know there are wonderful men out there that I'm already ruling out because of this issue. Maybe it's just a case of once bitten twice shy. But I still think the point is valid.