Is this common?
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:16pm |
I met a guy on eharmony. We e-mailed each other quite a bit then he gave me his number to call him. I did. We had a great conversation and things flowed fine. At the end of the conversation he said we should get together. So we e-mailed some ideas back and forth. Finally I e-mailed him and said "you should call me to make solid plans". He did.
We had a good first date with lots of laughs and good times. A week later we had a second date. Had a good time.
Here's my problem. I think he is very nice and funny, but I just don't feel a connection. I'm wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else before. We have a lot of little things in common and seem to share some values. I'm thinking maybe its me. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship like I thought I was. Or maybe it is possible that you can get along with someone and just not click. Even though everything indicates that we would be great.
In my experience chemistry can build over time. So maybe I am overreacting. I do have some things that I am concerned about but I don't know how much weight to give it since I don't really know him that well. I sense a lack of confidence which is a major turn off. Also he seems to not talk to much about his past. Some of the things concern me. I'm debating going on one more date with him so I can get some answers to some of my concerns.
One more thing even after 2 dates he doesn't call me at all. All our conversation has been through e-mail. I won't be able to go out with him for a couple of weeks. Busy with family and friends. So it will be interesting to see if he calls me.
Any feedback you can give would be great.

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Actually, yes, this happens all the time. I has happened with every one of the 6-7 guys I have met from eHarmony actually and in a lot of other cases where I have met a guy from online. Not clicking despite being really great "on paper" is something that you definitely need to get used to if you are going to do online dating. It is EXTREMELY common. You can even expect chemistry to not necessarily happen when you have felt really great chemistry with that person online or on the phone - a lot of times, that won't translate to real life.
Yes, chemistry can build over time, but in my experience, there has to be some initial interest or spark. No, it doesn't have to be an overwhelming fiery passion right off, but IMO, there should be a certain level of spark that makes you want to see the person again.
Finally, if you want him (or any guy) to call you, tell him. Many people are not phone people. I'm actually not and while I do think it's polite to set up dates on the phone rather than over email, I think the online dating atmosphere lends itself to people relying on online communication a lot more than the phone. But if you want someone to do something, you should not expect them to think exactly like you and should tell them your expectations rather than expecting them to read your mind. So if you prefer to set up dates by phone, the next time he tries to set up a date by email say, "You know, I really prefer to set up a date by phone instead of email. Would you mind calling me or should I call you so we can work out the details?"
Thanks for the feedback. I'm pretty new to OLD and dating in general. This is a whole new experience for me. I didn't expect to be attracted to him over e-mail and phone and feel very little in real life.
I guess I just don't feel that spark. He seems nice but.... I'm almost in open communication with another guy and I'm still getting lots of matches. Also there is always Myspace which I haven't paid much attention to.
Oh and yes I did tell him I prefer to set up dates over the phone. That's basically the only time we have talked on the phone besides the initial phone call. I guess I think that if a guy likes me he will call just because. Maybe I shouldn't think all guys are the same. lol.
I thought that I had a problem too and wasnt' ready for a relationship, but it just was that I hadn't met the right guy yet and if the chemistry/connection isn't there then you can't force it and you have to ask yourself if you can live without it. Sometimes it's good to go on a couple more dates just to see.... but after 3 or 4 dates if you dont' feel it then I say to move on.
Heck, I recently dated a gal for over 3 months and it was like that- we matched up on paper, even had great physical chemistry... but just never quite 100% clicked. A shame, she's a really great woman, but it was never really there for me, you know?
I've had it happen to me, too. I met one gal a few years ago, had a great first date, made a second date, then she kind of changed her mind. About a year and a half later I saw she got married (announcement in the paper). Man, that burned- the guy looked like a dork. I'm not George Clooney, but I'm better looking than the guy she married! (I'm just jealous because we fit so well "on paper" and she was very, very hot/smart/everything.)
It happens all the time. I think it happens more in OLD than IRL, actually. IRL, since you generally meet someone in person, you know right away if that little spark is there between you, and then you find out if you match "on paper". With OLD, it's kind of backwards; you find out on paper first, then see if there's a spark.
Sometimes I wonder- does that make us get it backwards and lead to more frustration? With OLD, since we see a person and think "wow, they hit most of the things on my checklist- wants a kid, right age, right kind of job, right religion... they should be a great match!" and then they're not... we get frustrated.
Thinking out loud...
No doubt...I think IRL is a lot easier, personally.
I dated a guy for 2 mos from match, also great on paper. Athletic, hiked the Appalachian Trail and rode motorcycles. Did I mention HOT? Quirky and really cool. Was even on PBS in January with the AT documentary he was helping a friend with, and my age (30). However, he was kind of a control freak, in a passive kind of way.
However, I have found with OLD that I match up better with guys that are almost my polar opposites, other than the basic 'we both want kids, etc.' kind of stuff
I think it depends on the level of chemistry and how comfortable you feel with them, and how the coversation goes, as well as basic personality (extraverted, introverted)
However, I don't go on a 2nd date if I am not feeling chemistry. I just don't see the point. I also really pay attn to how I feel around that person.
Hmmmmm. Interesting.
Gal Blondie
hjntiy,
When you were dating the woman for 3 months did you tell her there was no connection or just keep going on dates waiting to see if it would happen? Just wondering. Also how physical did you get with her? I mean did you kiss, have sex. You don't have to answer. I'm just new to the whole dating thing and am always curious of how other people do things.
At this point I will have at least one more date and just see where it goes. I guess you could say I am on the fence.
Edited 3/23/2007 11:58 am ET by amberpassion13
"When you were dating the woman for 3 months did you tell her there was no connection or just keep going on dates waiting to see if it would happen? Just wondering. Also how physical did you get with her? I mean did you kiss, have sex. You don't have to answer. I'm just new to the whole dating thing and am always curious of how other people do things."
__________________
I don't mind answering- I don't have to see any of you tomorrow in person or anything. ;)
We got pretty physical, pretty quick. I know I *say* that people (particularly women) should hold out for a while at least, but what I say and what I do are (like so many other people) two different things. We had sex on the third or fourth date, something like that.
While we dated, we were pretty open about things. We had a talk about being mutually exclusive (a bit late- AFTER we had already had sex) and agreed on that.
I would not say that there was NO connection; we actually had a pretty good connection, both physical chemistry-wise and mental, it's just that as a couple we didn't really work out.
That might not make sense but it's how it went. Emotionally was probably the biggest problem- she was a lot more into me than I was into her, and there were some... um... balance issues. Not that she was "unbalanced"; just that her mood swings (we all have them) were wider than I was comfortable with.
We actually dated for just under four months (one more week would have been four months). I actually suggested we break up at about two months, but she wanted to try for a while longer, thinking it was just midwinter blues. I agreed to give it a shot and really did try but it wasn't just the winter thing; we just didn't fit in the end.
While I miss the sex, and miss the companionship (we could talk about anything and everything, very intellectually matched) I have to say I don't miss the moodiness and I'm overall happier being alone and single than I was with her. Which tells me I made the right decision.
In fact, the most bummed-out I've felt about the breakup and staying broken up was more of an empathic thing, feeling sorry and bad for her because I know she's hurting. I don't like someone I care for to be hurting. :(
As far as "do you keep dating if there's little or no connection"... personally I'll go out with someone two or three times even if there's little connection there, just because we all can be nervous or "not ourselves" sometimes on a first date/meeting. But if there's absolutely no connection and I can't imagine there being one, then one date or meeting or whatever you want to call it is it- I'm not going to waste my time or her time going out again.
I'm a big fan of meeting at least ONCE, but after that, nope. I have noticed from reading here that a lot of women seem to be willing to go out with a guy more times, even if there isn't much of a connection, because he fits the ideal profile in her head about what "the guy" should be like.
HJNTIY,
Thanks for the candid response. I just e'd this guy and told him I didn't have any strong feelings one way or the other. (He had asked how things were going) So we will see what happens.
You've gotten some great advice so far, and yes, this has certainly happened to me. It is so disappointing because you feel like you get so close but realize that it's just not going to work. My rule of thumb is that if I can honestly say I look forward to spending another few hours with the person, I will go on another date. And if I can't say that, I either decline or most often, the connection wasn't there for them either and it just stops.
One thing that really bugs me is when people around me encourage me to "give someone another chance." They're trying to be helpful, I know, but only you know how you feel about someone, and the other person deserves someone who DOES feel a connection. Don't feel guilty about declining a date if that's what you really want to do - it doesn't matter whether you have 10 other dates lined up for the month or haven't gone on a date in a year - it's only about you and the other person.
Good luck! I don't have that much experience to be honest in OLD and am on a break from Match right now, but I just try to treat people as I would like to be treated.
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