Confused and Rejected?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Confused and Rejected?
15
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:27am
Hi, I am new to this, but I came across this as I was trying to figure out a dating dilemma. Alright, I went out with a guy from Match.com on Saturday, a guy who winked at me. We had (what I thought) was a great time, a lot of laughs and some flirting as well. The guy was so nice and seemed really interested. Before we split up to go on separate trains, he gave me a hug and said "Next time we'll have to go up by some bars with you and your roommates." And then he said hed call tomorrow--Sunday. He texted me when I got home to say "Thanks for the good time :)". Let me know if you get back ok. Well, it is now Tuesday and I'm freaking out because he hasn't called. And he's been back on the Match website so he obviously had time to do that but not to get back to me. Granted, I am new to the whole online dating thing, but I really like this guy. I am just looking for some advice as to what this could mean and what my next step should be. Thank you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:27am

ok, take a deep breath & RELAX!!!!

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:47am
I know the old confused & rejected feeling. Been there many times. What peanut says is mostly true, but my own experiences have been if the guy did not make plans for a 2nd date on date #1, then I usually never saw him again. I agree it sucks when a guy acts like he's having such a good time and you seem to click and all & then he disappears. Truthfully speaking, most of the guys I have encountered online don't know what they want and many would not know a decent woman if they met one. If they did, they would not continue to play online games. True, they are not committed to any one person in the beginning, but many seem to not be content to try to have a relationship with just one person. For me, I'm a one-man type of woman, so this "dating around" is not for me at all. I could not handle trying to be so "casual" about it all, but I think that is the trick in not getting hurt. Keep your own options open though. Let us know if you hear from him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 2:56pm
Well here is the man's point of view. I used to say "call you later" and did not for any number of reason. Couldn't get around to it, or just wanted to "cool off". I don't say that anymore. I just say "touch base later". Sort of an ambivalent position. It is easy to get carried away and say "call you later" and "be nice" for the moment. If he doesn't call back then obviousely he may or may not have changed his mind. If he does change his mind, what is he supposed to do call you back and say "sorry I changed my mind to call you"!! Wouldn't that be silly ! So go on with your life, it will be another day another date. I have had very nice dates and when I called back for a second one, I was told "you know I thought about it and may be we are not a good match". One really can not predict which way things will go after the first date. So hang in there, be in the right frame of mind. What was that saying that went something like "there is a mile between the cup and the lip"
Take care
Dan
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:26pm

Yeah, see even that would bug me if you didn't follow up (although I certainly wouldn't *expect* a follow up after just one date, but I hate it when people say they are going to do something and then don't). And I do think that if you say you're going to do something (whether it's touch base or call or whatever) and you change your mind, an email saying so would be a nice gesture. But no, definitely NOT a phone call!

If a guy isn't not interested or isn't sure, I would prefer something along the lines of "it was nice meeting you. Take care". That tells me pretty clearly that you're not going to be calling ;-). You could always call if you decided you were interested, but it's better not to create any expectations.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 5:00pm

I'm curious as to "when" you called back for a second date? If you got a response like that it just makes me wonder if the woman was just giving you a nice brush-off. I'm sorry, but if there is a substantial amount of time lapse from the first date, or you didn't solidify a second date at the end of the first date; I'm curious as to why bother calling again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 9:54am

Yeah, I'm with Sheri.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:01pm
I have had enough dates with guys who did NOT make plans for the 2nd date on the 1st date to know that they oftentimes do not call later. For me that has been a huge letdown when they acted like they had a good time but then made no mention of us going out again. Maybe some guys actually do call later to set up dates, but for me, I take it as a "next" if they do not make some firm plans with me that same evening for the next date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:51pm

That is totally rediculous ! really, !! Having a good time should have nothing to do with making a NEXT move. And really unfair to put that kind of expectation on the other person. You always have to take one step at a time and think and pause before you make the next move. I would be outright scared to go out with someone who would put that expectation on me. If I go out I want to make sure that it is a enjoyable experience for both of us. No use sulking through the date and having a miserable time. That does not mean I will be obligated to the other person for my future plans. I just can not figure this one out.!!!

Onece, I went out with a woman, who liked me very much. I did not reciprocate. She called me and wanted to go out again. I told her that I don't think we were a good match. She got so furious, that for the next five minutes or so she yelled on the phone "I HATE YOU"
"I HATE YOU". Boy ! was that a psycho case or what.
Dan

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 10:49pm

Dan,

I agree with you. Having a good time on a date doesn't mean that you want to go out on another date with the same person. I remember when I was younger (before I married) having a couple of guys get annoyed because I had "led them on," by "acting" like I was having fun. I *had* been having fun. But I'd known that this wasn't a guy I wanted to have a relationship with, and since I didn't want to lead him on, I didn't want to go on that second, or third or whatever date.

I'm glad you spoke up because I've been feeling a little like I may be doing to guys what some of these gals are complaining the guys do to them. I haven't had that many dates since my divorce, but all of them have been with guys who wanted to see me again--and whom I didn't want to see beyond the second date. Did I trick these guys or treat them badly by being good fun and pleasant and not finding some subtle way to tell them that I wasn't going to go out with them again?

Although I would never say, "I'll call you," or "I'll be in touch," when I didn't mean to call, maybe I should have gone one step further and, midway through the date, said, "Well, I have now decided I don't want to go out with you again, so let's hurry and finish this meal and never see each other again"? ;)

And what if I wasn't sure, until after the date was over, that I didn't want to see him again? That happened with one guy. What should I have said?

It's impossible not to hurt people's feelings when they get their hopes up. What is the alternative?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 9:33am
I STILL believe if a guy is interested, then he should make plans for the 2nd date on date #1. For me this has been a constant truth. If they didn't ask me out at the end of date #1, that was it. There were no more dates after that. End of story. I guess I would not lower myself to call someone like this woman did with you. She sounds like a psycho, but I do not think it's unrealistic to expect plans for a 2nd date on the first date if the guy is interested.

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