Confused, Mad, Hurt....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Confused, Mad, Hurt....
9
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:05pm

To all:

It has been a long time since I have posted on this board, but I really need to vent and get some feedback from you ladies on what is going on. I hope that this isn't too long, but really appreciate if you could read further. Here is a little background...

I "met" "S" on match.com in October of last year - he had sent me a wink, we e-mailed back and forth, had a great repore, but decided that since he lived 2 hours away, that I didn't really want to get involved with another long distance relationship. I had met someone local, we dated for about 6 months and that didn't work either. I had met a few people in between but no sparks, good people, but not what I was looking for.

So back in June of this year, I decided to see if "S's" profile was still on match. It was so I sent him a wink. Not more than 10 minutes later, I had an e-mail back from him - we joked back and forth about the "disappearance" and he asked if I was seeing anyone and I asked the same of him, neither of us were, so we decided to talk on the phone. We had great conversations, so many things in common, we finally decided to meet about 2 weeks later. I drove down to his location, I am in the desert, and he is by the beach, so you go figure why I wanted to get out of the heat!! Anyways, we had a wonderful time, I guess you could call it magical. Haven't felt that way in a very long time, he was sweet, kind, charismatic, attentive, everything I could ever ask for. We went out for a very romantic dinner, took a boat cruise, spent the night on a yacht, and then the next night spent the time at his house. I wanted to make it clear, that since this first date which was for a weekend, I left Monday morning, we have spent another 2 days together since that time.

Well, I guess I should have seen the signs, I guess I did, but chose to ignore them. He does have a very demanding job, which I understand, but, when you are "in to someone", you make time for weekends, which how funny, there was always something going on. He didn't feel well, he had to work, blah, blah blah...so there was always an excuse for not getting together.

We talked about feelings, emotions, what we wanted out of life, how we both wanted to get married again someday, and he thought that I was the one that could turn around what he thought about marriage - meaning he had been married about 10 years ago for about 2 months and was a little jaded about marriage. He also has no children, very good looking, Southern man from Atlanta, of course, I fell in love with the accent, living in California all my life....

To now... He had called on Friday morning and said that he was coming out to see me on Saturday after he got off work, spend Sunday and then leave Monday morning. Which was perfect. At first I didn't believe him, so many times plans were cancelled and didn't know what to think. He said yes baby, I miss you and I want to see you and spend time with you this weekend. He said he probably wouldn't be out until late afternoon on Saturday as he had to work. So we discussed it again Friday night, what we wanted to do, what he wanted me to make him for dinner, all that stuff.

Saturday morning, he calls me at 8 in the morning, tell me how excited he was to see me and that he would touch bases with me later to get directions, as this was his first time driving out here. So here I am, believing that this is actually going to happen, so I thoroughly clean the house, I go spend over $100.00 on groceries, nice bottle of wine, I even made his favorite dessert of a homemade cheesecake.

He calls at 4 in the afternoon, and says that he has had a busy but a great day, that he had some things to tie up - he had made a huge sale for his company, so he had to finish up some paperwork and then he would call me for directions.

Then at 7, he says that he is still working on stuff, but should be finished within the hour and then he would call for directions. Well that was the last time that he called. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, and that I would be stood up. Well, after no call after about 9:30, I took a nice hot shower, cried a bit, and then went to bed. Thinking that he got tied up and that he would be apologetic and call me first thing Sunday morning.

The call never happened. But lo and behold, last night at 8:30, he sends me a text message saying that he was sorry he "screwed this up" and that he was sorry and that if I would "allow" him to call me today - today being Monday.

Well - After the day that I spent yesterday, thinking, wondering, going over things in my head, I had resigned myself to the fact that this was my blow off. But then I get the text message last night and was absolutely infuriated!! How could he disrespect me so much? He knew that I was going to be making dinner, all that stuff and then he sends me a fricking text message? WTF!!!!!!

So I decided not to do anything, not respond to the message. I needed time to think about what had happened and why, and to decide how to handle this. Then the icing on the cake, he sends me an e-mail from work and says how sorry he is, but his cell phone battery died and that he didn't get finished with work until 9? WTF??? You couldn't put your charger in and call and at least give me the courtesy? But, he wanted to "let me know what was going on" and that he would call me later?

I haven't responded to either the text message or the e-mail. I am confused, hurt and very angry and disappointed in what has transpired. I know in my gut what I have to do, that I really have to let this one go. But my heart has feelings for him. I don't think I could talk to him today, I really want to have a clear head, to think if I should even justify to him that what he did was wrong and disrespectful to me, would it even matter to him? Why is he bothering to even get in touch with me? If he didn't want anything to do with me, why not bother calling me at all? Does he want to keep stringing me along here?

Thank you for reading all of this, and would appreciate any advice, feedback, etc....

hurt, confused and pissed off in the desert of California!!!




Edited 8/14/2006 2:29 pm ET by palmdesertgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:20pm

I'm sorry, but how could you have feelings for a man you only spent 2 days with?? I don't understand that! Did you guys have sex?

Personally you should keep your options open and date others. I personally don't think his interest level is quite as high as yours!

Glad you had fun at the beach! I wouldn't read anything else into this situation cause you BOTH don't know each other that well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:45pm

I have had similar things happen (on a smaller scale) but where work or other things always took priority over me and my dinner plans with a guy. I have made lasagna (my best dish) for about 4 different guys now. Needless to say, I'm not with any of them now--maybe my cooking isn't so good after all :0.

One was a set-up deal that my Mom was in on. I was pretty interested in this guy; he was sort of a Michael J. Fox type (short but good looking) and we knew many of the same people. That guy basically came over for a meal and that was it--a free meal along with some really good conversation and never heard from him again. I was quite upset about that deal as I truly did not think he'd have the nerve to come over and eat dinner and then not even make any plans for lunch or anything w/me after that. I didn't spend the amount of $ you did for the meal, but I did knock myself out cleaning beforehand (on several different occasions). I tried to console myself later that I needed to clean regardless (which was true), but it would have been not nearly so bad if the guy had made some effort later or if any of them had lasted longer than they did.

I'm now pretty adament about not fixing dinner until we have gone out a number of times or at least until I feel a bit more secure in the relationship. I did fix dinner a few times with my last guy (Mark), but we did stay together over 3 months, so I can't say that I overdid my hospitality for him really, but I certainly did for some of the others.

Even though my heart aches for how you feel and what you're going through, please be assured that many of us have had very similar circumstances where the guy was thoughtless, took our kindness for granted, or was just a jerk (or all of the above). I think you'd be justified in laying out quite firmly your thoughts in an e-mail to this guy if it might help you get past this, but you might not want to waste your energy either. Either way, time will help heal your heart. Been there.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:07pm

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but YES, it's pretty clear he wants to string you along. Who knows WHY...but regardless of the reason for it, you don't need that.

I know it's easier said than done if you've let yourself get attached, but you need to cut contact and move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:10pm

He's MARRIED!!

If he's not and he's stringing you along like that then he's a real jerk. Not worth your time.

I feel for you because I know what it's like to get your hopes up and then the guy turns out to be a jerk.

Don't call or answer his calls...NEXT!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:27pm
I know how you feel and you have my sympathy -- your story sounds EXACTLY like something that would have happened with my ex. He always had such plausible excuses too, and I was so bowled over by him that I would just believe his lies. Well, you would be wise to get out now and save yourself the years of hurt that my ex put me through. Chalk it up to experience and find someone who appreciates and deserves you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:21pm
I agree with the other posters. It was very inconsiderate of him not to call you, even Sunday morning. He must have been with someone he couldn't get away from. As politely and firmly as possible let him know that you are worth more respect than he has shown you and good luck with his "job".
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:51pm
You know what to do. I always tell other women that if a man is treating you in a way that you aren't willing to live with for the rest of your life, move on and find someone who will. You deserve better. You can agonize over it for hours, days or weeks and come up with dozens of excuses for him but in the end, it doesn't matter. His behaviour wasn't respectful or courteous. You may be tempted to contact him for "closure" but it isn't worth it. The reasons don't matter and it won't help to clear the air. Just move on and make room in your life for the great guy you will meet soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:55am
I just read this, wow!
Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:13pm

Thanks Peanut!!

Your kind words are always appreciated. It took a couple of days for things to sink in and boy have they!! I realize that he is a jerk and God only knows how many other women he is doing this too!! And then come to find out, he is active on match.com again!! Go figure!! If you would like to correspond, I am in California, and my e-mail address is palmdesertgirl2003@yahoo.com. I would love to chat with you some time.

Donna