Confused, upset and how long is enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Confused, upset and how long is enough?
7
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 12:57pm

Hi, I wrote into the other board (dating in the 30's) the other day... But I thougth I would run this past this group.

I met someone on-line about a month ago. I live in Chicago and he lives in Milwaukee- which is a two hour distance. D, pursued me and the we spent three weekends together- him coming to see me- and finally the weekend before last I went out to see him, met his Dad, friends, and business associates. He hadn't introduced anyone since his last girlfriend, who he broke up with a year ago.

Anyway, we were supposed to get together this past weekend. On Wednesday D called me and was freaking out about this new brand new house he was building- he said he over spent on it, was worried about money and the time it was taking him away from work- and just being stressed in general. He sounded like a total mess- and on one hand, I of course wanted to help him, on the other hand, I am a brand new relationship- and we hadn't established that we are a couple- so some of this should be him "censoring himself". I listened and was supportive (for over an hour)- to a point. I told him that I could only help him so much and that we needed to talk about something else- that it wasn't going to fix anything by continuing to mull over it.

On Thursday we talked again and this time he knew that talking about the house was off-limits- that we would try and get to know each other better. I did get frusterated with him- he seemed to not pay much attention- took other calls while on the phone with me. I know my timing might have not been the best- but I told him that he had to let me know what was going on- if he was stressed and busy- and not really able to talk- that was fine- but he had to communicate with me about what was going on- if we were to move forward. He felt criticized- and I told him that was only about what I needed to move forward- this wasn't something he was doing WRONG. He referenced his ex-gf and said that she had complained over the same problem- and at first complained that I must be like her. (The ex personally no one liked from the beginning- and from what I got- everyone liked me that I met)

He was supposed to come to see me on Friday- at 5:00PM he called me to let me know he had too many problems with the house and couldn't come. I offered to come out there- he told me he was too stressed and needed to be alone. He told me that he still wanted to see me but he was stressed out about the house/money. I was upset because its my birthday next weeekend and I was counting on him to see me. I haven't heard from him since Friday- this has happened before when I first met him he told me he would call me- and then "disappeared" for a few days. When I called him to find out if he was still interested- he acted dumbfounded as to why I would think that. He told me he was depressed over the anniversary of his mother's death and that he got out-of-sorts. He turned out around that- but now we're back to square one.

I really like him, but I realize I am totally helpless in the situation. How long do you give someone before you tell them, come on grow up and deal with stress- or at least communicate what is going on instead of leaving me in the dark. I personally don't understand how people can go a week without hearing from someone they are dating- its just not me, but here I am single and almost 34.

Here's a guy who introduces me to his family and friends- and then he just disappears? I feel like I know nothing about how to handle things- and how to know if someone likes you or if you are just temporarily filling a "void" when they are lonely.

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 1:46pm

Well, this guy is a big ol' mess of baggage! It sounds like he has a lot going on and isn't sure how to deal with it. Many people do not communicate (or communicate well) when they are stressed - I know I don't. I have a tendency to bottle it up inside and deal with it myself. This guy sounds like he communicates his stress, but in the form of complaining to you about it. IMO, he doesn't expect you to be able to fix his problems but rather wants you to listen to his complaints and not "judge him". We as women usually want to offer advice and all but usually guys don't want us to do that.

The other thing I notice tho is that I think you kind of seem to want both sides. You say that you haven't known him long and so he shouldn't be dumping on you like this about his outside stresses, but on the other hand, you want him to communicate to you about the relationship and what's going on. That's pretty contradictory. You said:

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And also:

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But then say:

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He was communicating in the way he knew and you told him to stop. Then you turn around and tell him he has to communicate to you (maybe the way YOU want him to communicate? Not a criticism, but an outside ovservation). So he complained and said what he did about his ex. Obviously if she complained too, this is the way he is.

So, you have to decide if you can handle his stress and communication style. You're probably not going to be able to change him at this point in his life - I assume he's in his 30s too. It definitely is inconsiderate to not call for days and then not realize he's done something wrong. But he didn't realize it the first time, so I bet he doesn't now. He's wrapped up in his own stress and not thinking. But let me tell you from first hand experience, buying a house (esp if it's your first) is incredibly stressful and if you have other things going on... whew! I nearly had a breakdown a few months ago when I was going through it and a lot of other things at the same time.

I would suggest not putting your life on hold for him and just go about your life. You might have counted on seeing him for your birthday, but right now, don't hold your breath. Go on with potential other plans with friends or family. If he wakes up, you can invite him to those plans. It might seem a little harsh, but he's not putting his life on hold for you so you shouldn't either. Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 2:03pm

I posted to you on the other board, and my advice is still the same...move on. This guy is relationship-challenged, IMO.

For future reference, I think you would do well to NEVER assume that actions (such as introducing you to his family) by another person mean the same thing that those same actions by you would mean. That's projection, and while it's very common in the early stages of a potential relationship, it's also very dangerous.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 3:27pm

I certainly appreciate the advice.

As far as some of your thoughts: "The other thing I notice tho is that I think you kind of seem to want both sides. You say that you haven't known him long and so he shouldn't be dumping on you like this about his outside stresses, but on the other hand, you want him to communicate to you about the relationship and what's going on. That's pretty contradictory."

Its not that I don't want to be supportive- or don't want to hear about things- its just that some of the things he was upset over (which were short noted here)- was his complaints over money and also about how he was moving into the house by himself (no wife or family). There's nothing I can do about his money issues- and I did offer advice (take out a morgage)- but at a certain point- he is complaining- and hello- his complaint about not being married- well I'm probably not the right person to be complaining to!!!

Sometimes I agree that people need to be alone to deal with something- and if that's what he needs- then- he needs to say "hey I need some time to work this out- give me a week and I'll call you" then to just tell me he's stressed. That doesn't tell me much.

I just realize that I shouldn't have come down on him about the calling issue at the time I did- I was frusterated because I felt that he expected me to be available when he called- but when I called, he wasn't around.

I didn't tell him to stop completely- that was his take about the house- I've noticed with this guy that it can be all or nothing- and he seems to blame himself.

Everyone on this board has baggage- I'm just trying to decide how big of a load I should be taking on- and if this is a timing issue- or just that this guy has serious issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 4:32pm

The way he handles stress now is a sign of how he will handle it later in the relationship. If he seems to let it take over his life, that is very likely to affect any relationship you will have with him.

It also sounds like he uses these stressors as a a scapegoat when he's dropped the ball.

We all get stressed. Sometimes we forget to return calls. Sometimes we need to vent for three hours. But, we also need to learn to balance our lives to make sure we don't stomp on the important people in our lives. It sounds like he's doing a little stomping already - and it's a new relationship.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 5:42pm
It sounds like he has way too much on his plate for dating at this time. Talk about a high maintanence guy!!! It sounds like he really likes you a lot if he introduced you to everyone that was important in his life. If I were in your shoes I would probably stick it out for another month or so but I'm "love challenged".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 7:49pm
Hi,
If he's unloading all of this on you already after just a month, I'd be moving on. It appears to be all about him. He could give you the courtesy of saying 'I'll call you back when things settle down here'. Your instincts are telling you what to do. You deserve better.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:21pm

This guy sounds a lot like my last boyfriend. He had a habit of unloading everything on me, but when I would make suggestions or try to be helpful he wanted none of it. He really just wanted to complain endlessly about what was stressing him. At the beginning, like you, I would try to set some boundaries -- "It's hard for me to hear about these troubles without offering advice ... " but was always unsuccessful. And it wound up always, always being about his stress -- and the same stress, and the same whiny complaints, over and over. I personally find it self-defeating to rehash negative stuff over and over -- it's like listening to a person in a long line complain about how long the line is. It just makes it worse and does not help.

It does also sound like it's way too soon to be getting immersed in all this stuff. The beginning of a relationship should be at least a little bit fun.

I would listen carefully to how the two of you communicate next time you talk. And ask him how he really wants you to respond? Does he want advice? Does he want encouragement? Does he want you to agree that it's all terrible? And you can tell him -- gently, but still -- that it's difficult for you to just listen to him unload about the same subject over and over again.

It may be that this is just a temporary problem, but it may not. Good luck.