Connecting intellectually?Am I too picky
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| Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:53pm |
Hi everybody!
This is an update on the last guy I dated and a question. (5 dates total, over 4 weeks, decided to break it off; my post was called:"My baggage rears its ugly head"). Well, now I don't think it is baggage: I don't think we can connect intellectually, or emotionally for that matter. All we have, I think, is an intense sexual attraction/connection, and I know for me this does not a relationship make, not at all. So I decided to break it off.
It is not a matter of him being "less intelligent" than me -- I actually believe that intelligence has many forms and manifestations, but the problem is that I think I really need a guy who is curious about the world, loves learning, and is articulate when talking about interests and passions. And with this man I simply didn't feel the connection... When we talk about theater, he simply asks me:"have you seen Chekhov?" I say, yes, and he moves on to some other topic... I don't need you to be knowledgeable, but tell me what about Checkov you like (I did ask, got a one word answer). It doesn't have to be artsy-fartsy discussion, if you like rock-climbing, I'd love to talk about it, but don't simply give me an update, the way he did: "I went climbing last week, I am training now, I will go again on Tuesday"...Or if we talk politics, you don't have to agree with me, but I do want to hear what you have to say, and when he basically tells me: "Well, I think the democrats are too lax on crime", and I ask him how so, he has nothing to say... I am confused...
Similarly with personal questions/emotional connection... He was looking at family pcitures, asked me about my family, I told him my mother passed away (she fought cancer for over 4 yrs before that, and I didn't hear as much as a :"Oh, I am sorry", or any follow up question, he simply moves to some other topic...It just feels very lonely.
I do udnerstand that people communicate differently, and I personally tend to be too much of an extrovert who values verbal communication too much, but while I can appreciate different patterns fo communication, I am not sure I can establich rapport or connection with somebody who is very quiet and reserved...
The reason I am telling all of you this, is definitely not to put this man down, but to try figure out if I want the impossible...True, one might say that I "am spoilt" that way, b/se my ex of almost 8 years is somebody I had a very prfound emotional/intellectual connection with : we loved vacationing in these secluded, tiny places (no cable, TV, or Internet there) and we'd spend up to 2 weeks, just the 2 of us, hiking, and talking -- never got tired of each other (not even when we were breaking up). Now, I am not idealizing him (there are some serious reasons of course, for us to not be together) and I broke up with him over 1.5 yrs ago, but the thing is I know that this is something I really need in a parnter, and I think it is very diffcult to find (for me at least), especially coupled with sympathy, kindness and mutual attraction (of course, I have met guys I have the intellectual connection with, but they would : either never call back, or 2/ lack in the emotional support/sympathy and generosity dpeartment...
What I am not sure about is whether I might be too picky... I mean, really, it seems that how he treats you, how generous (with his feelings, time and attention ) he is is really more important... yet, it seems to me, intellectually stimulating conversation, bouncing ideas back and forth, exchanging stories and a good political/philosophical/art discussion is really important to me....
I guess, what I am asking is: is this too much to want in a partner?
Is it possible to get these particular needs met outside your relationship (really, I have a tightly knit group of of very close friends (2 men and 2 women) with whom I can spend hours "discussing stuff", I do get these itneelectual needs met this way). Yet, I am torn, b/se I have always thought (may be wrongly so) that my parnter should be my best friend, and really, since my best friends are a bunch of areticulate, witty, and funny "braniacs" (men adn women included), I really need to have this in a partner as well... and I honestly can not feel connected/infatuated with a guy if they don't "tickle my brain"
I am sorry, this post is really confusing, but I am very confused myself
Edited 7/3/2006 8:11 pm ET by fiesty_girl

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I don't think you are being too picky at all! Yes, you are right that there are some needs that you can meet outside of a relationship and that is healthy. But, for something that is so important to you, I think that you need a partner who can connect with you on that level. I don't think you can be truly intimate (I mean that in a nonsexual way) with someone who doesn't click with you in all of your key areas. If intellectual conversation is really important to you and you partner with someone to whom it is not important, you will always have a distance between the two of you and you will always feel a pang of emptiness about it.
I also think the feeling of loneliness you are experiencing is a big deal. If you feel lonely around someone you are dating, I doubt that feeling will ever go away - if anything, it will only intensify. And what is the point of being in a relationship if you are going to be lonely?!
I want to agree with everyone else. Identify what is really important to you and don't settle for less.
It is much better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel emotionally/intellectually alone.
Hang in there. You sound like someone who really has some insight into what she wants, and this will help you in the long run. It's not being too picky at all.
Elsa
I agree with all the other replies, you can't be too picky when you are talking about your life partner. I recently read the book below and would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a life partner. It is far better to live a good single life than a miserable married life!
Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons
Dr. Neil Clark Warren
Whether you have never been married or are single again after a death or divorce, you can meet a wonderful person who will want to share your life at the deepest levels.
This eye-opening guide explains the essential rules for finding true love, including:
The 29 dimensions of compatibility- the foolproof test to determine if two people will be happy together
-Your core personal dimensions- the sixteen factors that can make or break your relationships
-The "marriage killers"- the red flags you can spot during your first two dates
-The real problem with sex- how to prevent the worst decision of your life
-Ways people can change after marriage...and the ways they can't and never will
-The simple secret men need to know - it can save a relationship
-The truth about conflict- how to face it before you make a commitment
-The surprising #1 area of compatibility - it can solidify togetherness forever
Dr. Warren is one of the founders of eHarmony. Although I've had no success with eHarmony, I strongly believe in the 29 dimensions of compatibility. Life is too short to spend it with a mate where there is minimal compatibility. I spent 23 years in a marriage that died after a few years and stayed for various stupid reasons. I plan to enjoy the life to the fullest, with our without a mate. Don't settle for less than you want, need or deserve.
A kind compassionate decent non-drinking non-addicted-to-anything LTR-orientated mid-thirties (is this right?) man who has a carrier and not a job and all the bits and pieces that come with it such as car/house/savings etc, who is very attractive to you sexually, who will treat you very well indeed and is, to top it off, a super brainy intellectual who is keen on learning new things and is able to talk at length about anything from serious politics to Chekov theatre plays? Does this describe your partner?
Eh..very good luck to you. I hope you find him - although I would be very surprised if you did.
Would you settle for all of the above if the intellectual in question was very poor and lived with flatmates?
Sorry if I made incorrect assumptions. Perfection only exists in movies and novels. In real life, if you get 5 out of 10 you should consider yourself very lucky, especially after a certain age.
My honest opinion.
<< man who has a carrier and not a job and all the bits and pieces that come with it such as car/house/savings etc, >>
I don't think the original poster mentioned anything about the man having a career or a fat savings account. She just said that if a person isn't intellectually AND emotionally on the same wavelength with her, that might be a dealbreaker. And it should be--one can't happily live with somebody who takes no interest in her life and person, even if he has a "carrier" and "car/house/savings."
I didn't mean to generalise and I apologise if it sounded offensive. The common 'trend' on just about any 30+ board 'dating' board on this site seems to be that women tend to look for absolute all around perfection. Tall dark and handsome will not do. Tall dark and handsome has to be Operations Director, Huge Company Europe and earn £££££££+ a year. That is not enough either - he has to be a 'glass of wine at Xmas' sort of drinker and God forbid if he is a smoker too. Not to mention the all-out sin that is an occasional recreational joint. This is referred to as a 'drug problem'. Mild situational depression and an ex is called 'emotional baggage'. After all, it is perfectly natural and normal to get to the age of 30+ and to be a saintly happy bunny who's never cried in his life. The said bunny is a minimum requirement too. All of this does not seem to be enough either. The tall dark and handsome successful intellectual professional who doesn't drink or smoke or cry or ever had a r-ship before has to want to marry within the first two years of dating, and oh, the RING has to cost at least £2000 to justify being called a 'rock'. Many posters actually honestly believe that these are minimum criteria which will 'do' for them, call anything less 'settling' and then wail and sob that they remain single. This is more of an observation really than a response to the OP's post which I read and thought (being very honest here): how about, wow, the man knows Chekhov??
I say: a decent human being whom I fancy like mad (doesn't have to be a super model, just 'my' kind of gorgeous) and who feels the same for me and wants to be with me on a 'you are my man and I am your woman' basis will do me just fine. And I aint single either.
Edited 7/4/2006 11:38 am ET by twinsister70
Edited 7/4/2006 11:40 am ET by twinsister70
Edited 7/4/2006 11:42 am ET by twinsister70
Edited 7/4/2006 11:43 am ET by twinsister70
<< Tall dark and handsome will not do. Tall dark and handsome has to be Operations Director, Huge Company Europe and earn £££££££+ a year. That is not enough either - he has to be a 'glass of wine at Xmas' sort of drinker and God forbid if he is a smoker too. Not to mention the all-out sin that is an occasional recreational joint. This is referred to as a 'drug problem'. Mild situational depression and an ex is called 'emotional baggage'. >>
Your post is funny and quite perceptive, and I guess there are people who are looking for things like that. I just don't think that this applies to the OP--she was just concerned that she did not connect emotionally or intellectually with her date. She didn't really mention any of these other variables.
<< This is more of an observation really than a response to the OP's post which I read and thought (being very honest here): how about, wow, the man knows Chekhov?? >>
Yeah, that was the issue actually--he might have heard of Chekhov, but apparently didn't know anything about him and wasn't also interested to learn. That's why he changed the subject immediately after "dropping" his name. That is just showing off and sad. I would not mention a playwright whom I don't know just to make an impression (a false one), or then would ask about him and be willing to listen and learn.
Hi, Fiesty... I havent read the other replies, but NO... intellectual and emotions connections are, I think, majorly important in relationships. Physical attraction is equally important, but there are times that having a meaningful conversation is important/necessary, and then having that emotional connection that says "I am here" when we need it. In my opinion, if those two things are missing, it's really not a complete relationship.
Jim
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