Connecting intellectually?Am I too picky

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Connecting intellectually?Am I too picky
13
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:53pm

Hi everybody!

This is an update on the last guy I dated and a question. (5 dates total, over 4 weeks, decided to break it off; my post was called:"My baggage rears its ugly head"). Well, now I don't think it is baggage: I don't think we can connect intellectually, or emotionally for that matter. All we have, I think, is an intense sexual attraction/connection, and I know for me this does not a relationship make, not at all. So I decided to break it off.

It is not a matter of him being "less intelligent" than me -- I actually believe that intelligence has many forms and manifestations, but the problem is that I think I really need a guy who is curious about the world, loves learning, and is articulate when talking about interests and passions. And with this man I simply didn't feel the connection... When we talk about theater, he simply asks me:"have you seen Chekhov?" I say, yes, and he moves on to some other topic... I don't need you to be knowledgeable, but tell me what about Checkov you like (I did ask, got a one word answer). It doesn't have to be artsy-fartsy discussion, if you like rock-climbing, I'd love to talk about it, but don't simply give me an update, the way he did: "I went climbing last week, I am training now, I will go again on Tuesday"...Or if we talk politics, you don't have to agree with me, but I do want to hear what you have to say, and when he basically tells me: "Well, I think the democrats are too lax on crime", and I ask him how so, he has nothing to say... I am confused...

Similarly with personal questions/emotional connection... He was looking at family pcitures, asked me about my family, I told him my mother passed away (she fought cancer for over 4 yrs before that, and I didn't hear as much as a :"Oh, I am sorry", or any follow up question, he simply moves to some other topic...It just feels very lonely.
I do udnerstand that people communicate differently, and I personally tend to be too much of an extrovert who values verbal communication too much, but while I can appreciate different patterns fo communication, I am not sure I can establich rapport or connection with somebody who is very quiet and reserved...

The reason I am telling all of you this, is definitely not to put this man down, but to try figure out if I want the impossible...True, one might say that I "am spoilt" that way, b/se my ex of almost 8 years is somebody I had a very prfound emotional/intellectual connection with : we loved vacationing in these secluded, tiny places (no cable, TV, or Internet there) and we'd spend up to 2 weeks, just the 2 of us, hiking, and talking -- never got tired of each other (not even when we were breaking up). Now, I am not idealizing him (there are some serious reasons of course, for us to not be together) and I broke up with him over 1.5 yrs ago, but the thing is I know that this is something I really need in a parnter, and I think it is very diffcult to find (for me at least), especially coupled with sympathy, kindness and mutual attraction (of course, I have met guys I have the intellectual connection with, but they would : either never call back, or 2/ lack in the emotional support/sympathy and generosity dpeartment...

What I am not sure about is whether I might be too picky... I mean, really, it seems that how he treats you, how generous (with his feelings, time and attention ) he is is really more important... yet, it seems to me, intellectually stimulating conversation, bouncing ideas back and forth, exchanging stories and a good political/philosophical/art discussion is really important to me....

I guess, what I am asking is: is this too much to want in a partner?
Is it possible to get these particular needs met outside your relationship (really, I have a tightly knit group of of very close friends (2 men and 2 women) with whom I can spend hours "discussing stuff", I do get these itneelectual needs met this way). Yet, I am torn, b/se I have always thought (may be wrongly so) that my parnter should be my best friend, and really, since my best friends are a bunch of areticulate, witty, and funny "braniacs" (men adn women included), I really need to have this in a partner as well... and I honestly can not feel connected/infatuated with a guy if they don't "tickle my brain"

I am sorry, this post is really confusing, but I am very confused myself




Edited 7/3/2006 8:11 pm ET by fiesty_girl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 3:24pm

Thanks for your reply!

This was my feeling exactly (that he might not be really invested/genuinely interested in me). Which is very strange, because on the other hand he wanted exclusivity with me (part of it could be that he was really pushing for sex as well, and I was simply not ready...) SO, I learned that him willing to be with me, does not really equal him wanting (emotionally) to be with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 3:40pm

Thanks Judy!

You know, it is so ironic that you brought up eharmony, since I met this guy on it!!! It makes me really sad becasue I liked his profile a lot; while communicating over email I thought his answers were very well, thought through and sincere at the same time (he never gave me the prefab answers), but we couldn't really communicate in real life (and god knows I gave this a chance -- 5 dates and dozens of hours of phone conversations)

I really don't know what to think about eharmony anymore; yes, I think my own profile is pretty acruate, but the matches they have sent me over the last three mo are really obviously not compatible; and I do live in LA! -- got over 150 matches. The problem with the test I think is that it doesn't measure certain attitudes/values that are important to me (one example is politics, the other materialism; to give you an example, a guy wrote to me -- a professional, obviously wealthy -- and all he had to say in his profile was how he loved money (seriously, I don't want to bore everybody reproducing his words here, but in all the rubrics he mentioned it: "three things I am most grateful for" 1/my family which provided me with the background and education to achieve the lifestyle I want, 2/ my lifestyle, 3/my job which allows me to have it, and in the other rubric ("three things you can't live without" he repeats the same... So, I am not at all sure...

Yet, thanks for the post, I think the idea of matching in terms of values/attitudes, etc. is important. I think that in this person's case (if we assume we are matched in terms of values, etc) we are definitely not matched on how we communicate/show sympathy and interest in others (and of course, intellectual compatibility ehamony can not, and honestly, does not have to measure)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 4:10pm

Hi twinsister!

Hey, if you weren't so funny, I would have been offended, but your engaging vivid style and sarcastic humor saved it all :))

I do appreciate your honesty (this is why I am posting, after all) and I was genuinely wondering if I am not too picky... Your posts really helped me figure it out.

Yes, you are right, if I wanted my guy to be all the impossible "10 out of 10", or worse "15 out 10" (the body of superman, the brain of Einstein, the humor of Sinefeld -- yes, this is my type of humor ;) -- and the wallet the size of a dog carrier), I would have to reconsider, but I realized that I am not that picky at all

The ex of 8 years I mentioned was and is a librarian (hmm, predictable, huh?) and the guys I have liked/developed crushes on/dated ranged from short (shorter than me included, I'm 5'6) to bald to overwieght , to scrawny; In my profile, I have no limitations on race, ethnicity or body type . (and my second LTR was with a Native American from Mexico) Financially speaking it is a similar range: people living with roommates, grad students, recent immigrants to Porshe driving profesionals (well, one date only, I declined the second....)

What I am saying is that I really have no requirements when it comes to their financial status or physical attributes as far as: 1/ they are financially responsible and independent (my job would not allow me to support a partner) and 2/well, the attraction has to be there, but attraction, unofrtunately, for me is this complex alchemy values and intellectual/emotional wave lenght compatibility...

I might have a longish list of "must haves" in terms of how we relate to each other, and yes, that might set me up for failure, but I have worked hard to condense my list down to non-negotiables (vs. "bonus points"). Sense of humor for example, got dropped off the list -- well, we all have it in one form or another, but I definitely do not expect my parnter to crack me up all the time, I can always watch my Seinfeld :)). It seems however that intellectual compatibility/articulate communicator is going to stay for no other reason than me not being able to feel connected to guys otherwise (and yes, I have tried, he is at least my 4th attempt, I do make it to date 4-5 and that's it)

Thanks again! (this is longish, but I tried to clarify where I am coming from)

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