Contradicting info - advice please
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Contradicting info - advice please
| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:11pm |
Hi everyone,
I recently decided to give the online dating thing a try. I seems like a logical way to meet like-minded people.
But I have a problem and any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I very rarely see profiles that I think would "match" me (mainly due to one requirement that is very important to me) so when I did see this certain guy's profile that I really liked, I sent him a "wave" and we've been e-mailing back for several weeks.
But here's my problem: he only e-mails me about once per week (I usually e-mail him back with 4 days). My first thought would be "he's just not into me" but there's contradicting info. His e-mails are always very long, quite "deep" and he said that he really enjoys exchanging emails with me. And, I checked on the site I found him on and he hasn't been on there in over a month. And, he doesn't not seem like the player/mind-games type... he said that he's barely even had a girlfriend.
Now I know it is ridiculous to put so much thought into this seeing that the only contact we've had was though e-mail (and for all I know he could be an 80 year old pervert... although I really don't think so!) but I REALLY like how this guy comes off through his e-mails. I haven't asked him why he doesn't write more frequently, but at this point, I'd really like to know. We live about 6 hours away from eachother and he's repeatedly mentioned coming to my area within the next couple of months (although he's never mentioned us meeting eachother).
Do I:
-give him a taste of his own medicine and not write back for a week or more?
-stop writing completely and see if he ever writes back wondering what happend to me?
I really don't want to ask why he doesn't write more often because then I'll feel like I'm begging him to write me. I really don't like "games" but I don't want to just dismiss this guy incase it's just shyness or something else?? Sorry this was so long, I'm just confused.
What should I do?
Any advise would help.
Thanks
I recently decided to give the online dating thing a try. I seems like a logical way to meet like-minded people.
But I have a problem and any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I very rarely see profiles that I think would "match" me (mainly due to one requirement that is very important to me) so when I did see this certain guy's profile that I really liked, I sent him a "wave" and we've been e-mailing back for several weeks.
But here's my problem: he only e-mails me about once per week (I usually e-mail him back with 4 days). My first thought would be "he's just not into me" but there's contradicting info. His e-mails are always very long, quite "deep" and he said that he really enjoys exchanging emails with me. And, I checked on the site I found him on and he hasn't been on there in over a month. And, he doesn't not seem like the player/mind-games type... he said that he's barely even had a girlfriend.
Now I know it is ridiculous to put so much thought into this seeing that the only contact we've had was though e-mail (and for all I know he could be an 80 year old pervert... although I really don't think so!) but I REALLY like how this guy comes off through his e-mails. I haven't asked him why he doesn't write more frequently, but at this point, I'd really like to know. We live about 6 hours away from eachother and he's repeatedly mentioned coming to my area within the next couple of months (although he's never mentioned us meeting eachother).
Do I:
-give him a taste of his own medicine and not write back for a week or more?
-stop writing completely and see if he ever writes back wondering what happend to me?
I really don't want to ask why he doesn't write more often because then I'll feel like I'm begging him to write me. I really don't like "games" but I don't want to just dismiss this guy incase it's just shyness or something else?? Sorry this was so long, I'm just confused.
What should I do?
Any advise would help.
Thanks

My thought is that I don't like investing a lot of time in people who leave me questioning their intentions.
Truth be told, you don't have any idea what he could be up to behind the scenes. And until you meet in person, you truly won't have a firm grasp of how compatible you are for one another. Emailing for a long period is a great way of creating a false sense of intimacy. And our minds are quite crafty at filling in the blanks until that first in- person meet...
If you've emailed for several weeks now and he hasn't specifically mentioned visiting YOU (the few obscure suggestions that he'll be in your area don't count, IMO) I'd throw an invitation out there. Tell him you are genuinely interested in meeting, that he sounds like an interesting guy and you'd like to firm up a date. Ball now in his court. If he bites, great. If not, you'll have your answer.
As for giving him a "taste of his own medicine", don't bother. If he's remotely interested in getting to know you in person, he'll most certainly be willing to take you up on your offer. Anything less than that could be due to any number of things:
a. Not interested
b. Too shy
c. Has a girlfriend/isn't who he claims to be
d. Only wanted a penpal
e. Lack of motivation
It's better not to succumb to mind games. Be forthright. If he doesn't respond as hoped, I'd put a freeze to the endless emails and move on to other opportunities. There are plenty of them out there :) Who knows...he might just up his game and surprise you too.
Thanks for your reply. I completely agree with what you said about relying on e-mail only. I think it allows people to build things up in their minds without seeing the complete package.
My only concern about asking him to meet me is that I feel like I'm the only one puting an effort into it. I would rather be persued than having to persue some one.
Also, more info: in one of my e-mails, I asked "what are you looking for?" to hopefully find out what he is looking for in a partner. He answered that, and also answered what he was looking for out of our e-mails. He replied that so far he thinks I'm "great" but he thinks it's too early to tell. I'm wondering how does he expect us to get to know eachother if he won't even e-mail me more often?
And, ironically enough, he just e-mailed. He said that unfortunately his plans to get to my city won't be possible because of his unreliable car (he is saving for school so I understand that part) but goes on to say he could take the train but it's too costly. Then he asked if I've ever been to his city.
Reading all that I've just written makes me just want to quit e-mailing him. But at the same time, his letters are so nice and... I don't get it.
Kate,
I'll admit to being more of a traditionalist, and by that I mean: Boy chases girl. So, no. I don't think you're out of line in wanting to feel as though he should be putting a bit more effort into this. I appreciate a man who is comfortable doing some pursuing.
Clearly, some people are a lot more cautious than others when getting to know each other via the internet and timing a meet, but how much longer does he think he can "get acquainted" with you via email before he's comfortable enough to meet in person? You've been doing this for several weeks now, at the rate of about one email every seven days?
My patience would have worn to a nub after that first week, had I not received a timely/courteous response to my email. And I most certainly would have disappeared a loooonng time ago.
"It's too early to tell if you're great, unreliable car, train too costly". Blah, blah, blah.
You're right. Why should you be doing all the work? And what if (in the end) he turns out to be nothing like you expected? How do you think you would feel if you did expend all of the energy into making things happen for zero return?
A nice guy with genuine interest will know better. Granted, he sounds young-ish, but this could be a good lesson. Emailing for an eternity typically leads to one or both people losing interest.
My advice, is to keep your options wide open :)
My 1st thought is that men just dont "talk" as much ... eg: write. & often they arent good typists. Have you thought od asking him to call you? Maybe then contact woudl be
Dear Newbie,
Are you using the match maker program correctly? If you have a certain criteria that you must have than your matches will come to you. Be very specific. Six hours away? What kind of dating would you be doing? If a guy is interested in you than the emails will flow back and forth quite rapidly. If he is only writing once a week than something is up. Could be a few things. He may not really be interested in dating anyone but enjoys the email connection. He may not have access to the network very often, maybe only when everyone else is out of the house. So, what you have here is an email buddy and nothing more. There are a lot more matches for you out there. Be patient. And find someone within an hours drive. Unless of course you are not really ready to find someone.