Critical Men

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Critical Men
12
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:38am

I seem to keep meeting and/or talking with men that can't resist trying to put me down in some way before breaking-off contact. For ex., one man said that going to counselors (which I admitted I do) was like "buying friends" and he'd gotten past that. I'd been pretty level-headed about the situation with him until he made critical, or what could be interpreted as, critical comments, at least not supportive. Then, I wrote him trying to explain my position when it occurred to me that what he wanted was to be critical. Numerous times I've run into these men whose fathers were critical of them. Now, when they meet women they're looking for someone that will be critical of them or will put-up with their disagreeableness, usually alternating.

Normally, when someone started being less than affirming, I would assume they wanted to break-off contact with me but didn't have the guts to say so nor stop writing. But, no, I don't write for awhile, then they write me again. It's like the first hit wasn't enough, they have to come back for more. They don't break-off contact completely until I call them on their immature behavior, either directly or indirectly. A guy summarily dismissing a girl after sleeping with her is like the ultimate diss (sp). That's why I wonder if these guys are just not that into someone, or if they're just big, immature jerks that are incapable of a real relationship. I can get almost any guy if I play into their stupid little dramas, but who wants them? Did I mention they're annoying?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:23pm

I feel your pain.

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:31pm

Yeah...I think "delete and block", the first time it happens, is the best way to deal with those guys!

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:18pm

I find those people who communicate online (these boards are a prime example) find it easier to be in-your-face, critical, or any other behavior (usually not-so-polite) that people normally would not do if they were talking with you face-to-face.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:02am
I appreciate the understanding and encouraging posts, as well as the practical advice. I think now that this guy was just enjoying the chase. I wasn't really all that interested. Then when we met, I felt kind of sorry for him, so tried to be a friend. What is it with these guys who say they can't sleep night after night? The only time just about I haven't been able to sleep at night was when I didn't do cr@p all day. He didn't look like a non-smoker and non-drinker like he said; he looked like a mess. I think that with him once the thrill of the chase was gone, the only exciting thing left to do was to kill the mouse. I'm done trying to befriend unworthy people. Ah well, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 1:36pm

Umm, not sure where the not sleeping comment came from but take it from a life-long chronic insomniac that this can be very real.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:51pm
Well, the guy wrote me and said his computer crashed last Saturday. So now I don't know if I jumped the gun or what. His comment about seeing a counselor was like buying friends used to be exactly how I felt, and sometimes still do. I don't think I would have said it to someone who was seeing one, however. Anyway, I guess I'll see how it goes. I was attracted to him though his complexion was rough, but mine has looked that way too from time to time. I don't know what to think of him. I don't like to censor people's opinions of things but neither do I like feeling criticized. He did tell me he liked me and found me very attractive before, so I don't know if he was trying to make me feel bad with his comments or control me or what. I'm never sure when I tolerate things too much. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:36pm

I've run into a lot of people (especially guys) who make critical remarks like the "buying friends" because they simply can't put themselves in your shoes. They don't realize they are being offensive; they just think they are showing how much smarter or more "together" they are.

My suggestion for when this happens is to confront it. Tell the guy that you are hurt by such comments. If you felt that way once and don't feel that way any more, say so. "I used to believe that but now I know better," is a great counter to a lot of putdowns. It implies that you are more enlightened.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:01am

I think you're reading too much into his comments.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:46am

I don't sleep well at all, I'm up and down all night I toss and turn all night, I think about things all night long, my mind goes all the time. If I don't keep my eyes closed and all the lights off while going to the bathroom at night and try and focus just on going pee I will think of something and not be able to fall back to sleep.

Insomnia is really not something made up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 5:38pm

You're right. Insomnia isn't made-up. I've suffered with it for years at a time. Of course, that was when I was a full-time student. However, I know anxiety contributes to sleeplessness. In retrospect, I know there were things I needed to get to the bottom of.

Vexer, I probably did read a little into his comments. There were a couple of emails in a row where I felt he was "testing" me. I guess it felt like I was losing. For some inexplicable reason, I really did feel strongly about this guy. It wasn't just romantic feelings but that I could like and enjoy him as a person. I guess it hurt that I felt I'd misread the situation.

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