"Cutie".....grrr (venting)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
"Cutie".....grrr (venting)
29
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:43pm

Okay...the latest is that I am corresponding with someone who seems perfectly nice,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:04pm

Nope, I understand girl. I wonder if I am cut out for this myself a lot. OLD is NOT easy and not for people that take things too personally (which I do) or are really picky about men (which I am) and will blow off a guy for something that other people think is no big deal (which I do). I am trying to be better but it is tough!

I hope Germany guy calls. If he said he would, you should give him the benefit of the doubt until he shows otherwise. But in the meantime, this guy doesn't sound all that bad. Yeah, the Cutie thing is annoying, but if he seems like a good guy that is maybe just trying too hard, that can't be all bad. I bet he'd be a sweet, attentive boyfriend. You never know until you meet him so if you think you have things in common, why not give him a chance.

And I won't tell you to not let NGOL get to you. He gets to me all the time with his abrasive manner. I don't think he means to be really hurtful, but he tells it like he sees it and there is no arguing with him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:03am

cutie thing bothers me too if I havent' gone out w/ the guy a few times. even then, its weird. normal for thinking its weird and being turned off.

phone call thing comes up when the time is right. sometimes it takes a month for me to even think of a phone call. sometimes it takes two weeks or just one email. depends. Sounds like you feel it is time for a call. Leave your number and just casually say, it woul dbe nice to chat w/ you. Then leave it up to the guy. If he doesn't respond to the # thing, then leave it be, and move on. Most guys who want to talk and are interested will say "great i'll call you on this day" - some just wait for the woman to give it, so they aren't being too aggressive.

the guy im hanging out with right now, we talked on email (pretty lengthy emails) for about 3 weeks before i gave my number.

good luck.

(but just an fyi, what ive noticed if anything bothers you like this in the beginning the chances of things working out long-run are slim to none)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:26am

Well, I'm sorry. I'm not being sarcastic; I'm being totally serious. If you don't like him calling you "cutie", then TELL HIM. I'm serious as a heart attack.

And I didn't say you were guaranteed to be alone for a long time; I said that if you were gonig to let a sole, single thing stop you from seeing a particular guy, then you were setting yourself up for that, because *nobody* is perfect.

The point is that *every* guy you meet is going to have at least one thing wrong with him, guaranteed. That's human nature.

I read your original message again- you think everything is cool with this guy, he's great, seems really neato, except for this one thing... calling you cutie. Well... tell him you don't like it!

Seriously- it's not that tough, and his response to that will tell you a lot about him, methinks.

Vexer calls it "abrasive". I call it "honest".

We all (including me) come in here, overthinking and overcomplicating stuff, and then we wonder why things seem so hard.

"This guy calls me cutie and I don't like it." (Um, tell him that.)

"I really like this gal but she turned me down when I asked her for a date." (Dude, she's not into you, move on to NEXT.)

"This guy won't tell me where he works or introduce me to any of his friends." (Married/attached- run away like you're on fire and he's gasoline.)

This stuff really, honestly, truly, does NOT need to be as complicated as we make it. Someone does something we don't like? Tell them to knock it off, and if they keep doing it, move onward.

We're all good people with big hearts that deserve to get treated well and fairly and honestly. That sometimes means getting blunt advice from those we ask.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:44am
Yes, I call it abrasive because there is a way of being tactfully honest and a way of being brutally honest. On these boards, it is very difficult to tell what tone someone is taking because there is no voice inflection and context. The thing is that you do not know people out here and how they are going to take something so using tact is generally a better thing than being brutally honest. Admit it, she is not the first person that you have really PO'ed out here and in fact you have PO'ed many of the women out here with your "honest" comments.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 8:38pm

Hi Vexer-


I was depressed when I wrote that post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 8:46pm

My thoughts about telling him I don't like being called cutie are...if I tell him that it will make things awkward and I don't want to insult him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:06pm

Good! I am glad that you are giving him a chance and that things seem to be working out OK with Germany guy. It sounds like you have a couple good options. And hey! He didn't call you cutie - that is a big step! :-)

My screen name came from a funny story that happened while I was in France with friends after graduate school. There was a guy that seemed very taken with me at a dance club. We danced until a friend pointed out he had a wedding ring. That was it for me and I said "no thanks". He didn't take no for an answer and followed me around the rest of the night. He even went so far as to visit with my friends about me. His quote was "Your friend.. she is very vexing!" (because I ignored him after finding out he was married and imagine this said in a French accent which I do). So all my friends started calling me Vexer. Thus the nickname was born and has stuck for 8 years now! :-)

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:21pm
HAH!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:14am

Oh well. Can't please 'em all.

I can honestly say that I've gotten plenty of comments along the lines of "I totally agree". I also get private emails all the time where people say "I wanted to say exactly that", but people are afraid to write what they really honestly think sometimes because they know that they'll get a hard time if they say (bluntly) what they really think.

I can't help it if some folks take offense at honesty. I'm a blunt person. If they don't like the posts, they can always ignore them.

It's really pretty simple- if you are going to have free speech, then you are also going to have times when someone says something that you do not like, that you do not agree with, or that makes you mad/sad/irritated. That's how free speech works.

If all anyone ever posted was the cheery "don't worry, he was a scumbag anyway, you deserve better, it's not your fault, look on the bright side of life" stuff, this board would be almost useless. I think it's a lot better when we can come here and get the truth, straight up.

And what I've found is that nearly all of the time that someone gets mad, it's because THEY are reading something into a post that's not really there. Like people taking offense that I (supposedly) said that younger means someone will be sexier and cooler, when I said absolutely nothing of the sort.

Sparkle thought I was kidding or being sarcastic when I said she should just try being honest. I wasn't. See my next post to her for more of the same. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:19am

>>My thoughts about telling him I don't like being called cutie are...if I tell him that it will make things awkward and I don't want to insult him. Maybe that's the way he is and I shouldn't try to change him. Then I won't get an accurate picture of who he is and what he's like. Does that make sense?<<

Actually, that makes very good sense, and not trying to change people is very smart because that only leads to heartache and anger in the long run.

However... it's still silly to complain that someone calls you "cutie" if you don't tell them that you don't like it. There's ways to tell him you don't care for it without making it all awkward; just keep it very basic and matter-of-fact.

"Hey, just so you know, I don't really like being called 'cutie'. How about those Red Sox?"

I have found that if we go into something all apprehensive and worried, it'll be awkward. If we go into it like it's just matter-of-fact, and you're just expressing what you think without making a value judgement on someone as a *person*, it goes just fine.

Ultimately, it just doesn't make much sense to me to be in a situation where you're uncomfortable. If the solution might be a bit uncomfortable, at least that will be temporary and pass; once that little bit is over, it's done, and either he'll quit calling you "cutie" (which is good) or he won't (in which case, you should probably move on, because he's treating you crummy).

But if you do NOT tell him, then it'll go on and on and on, every time he calls you 'cutie' you will cringe inside... blech. I'll take the short-term, temporary discomfort every time. :)