Cyncial and judgemental?
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Cyncial and judgemental?
| Fri, 03-24-2006 - 7:54pm |
Do you ever think that many of us may be too cyncial and judgmental about the people we're meeting via OLD? I mean think about it, we tend to think that they do what they do for negative reasons. And I can't help but to wonder if they're catching that vibe and running the other way. I mean, I know when I meet a person who is too cyncial I run. So I'm wondering if we're putting those vibes out there.
Now don't get me wrong and don't flame me... I'm not saying that we haven't had enough experiences with OLD that have been negative... I'm just saying that maybe we are turning some possibly decent ones into negative ones...
What are your thoughts?
Kerry

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"But I'm still not getting quite what you mean...I'm not going to be cynical/judgmental about anyone until he gives me a *reason* to be."
I think I get the idea, here's an example. (All "YOU's" just mean the generic 'someone' LOL!) Let's say you're emailing with someone, swapped several back-and-forths, you tried to drop a hint about meeting and he didn't pick up on it. You're in the mindset that if you're not setting up a meet within a week or so, HJNTIY. So you lose interest and let it drop... even though the poor schmoe just might be a *little* slower pace.
Or, your "experience has shown that if a guy is really interested, he'll ask for another date by the end of the first meet". (Can't count how many times I've heard something like that around here.) So let's say you're wrapping up a first-meet, and he says, I'll give you a call later on this week... at this point you've decided he's not interested, and your unenthusiastic "okay/sure" comes across as "yeah, whatever." With that lack of encouragement, maybe he really was going to call, but not anymore. Your classic self-fulfilling prophecy.
You might meet your Perfect Match, but because he's new to OLD and doesn't know the "rules", we give him a NEXT. We look at the guidelines from HJNTIY, but maybe it's NOT that he's not that into you, he just doesn't know enough about you yet and is being realistic by not setting his hopes too high. Men get hurt and disappointed too, and they have just as much right to have their guard up in the beginning.
Granted MOST of the ones we 'next' deserve it. But we could be passing up some perfectly great guys just because they either don't know the 'rules' or decide not to play by them.
I understand what you mean. I don't know if I call it cynical or not, but it is definitely a call based on our own experiences. However, I believe we react to something that happens(and are aware of it) BECAUSE of our experiences. For example, I was cheated on. If I ever got that 'feeling' again, I would be direct and confrontational about it. Why put up with the same bull again? Not judgmental...AWARE..
As far as putting someone off with it, it would never even come up unless that feeling came up..We sometimes don't listen to our own instincts and are in denial about things like cheating. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't, and we should listen to our inner voices sooner, rather than later.
E
I think I do understand what you're getting at...but I don't think it works that way. I think it's more...I don't know, *objective* than that (not sure if that's the right word though). As in, negatives are negatives and positives are positives in and of themselves. The way you think doesn't CAUSE things in another person (behaviors, actions, whatever)...they just ARE. Not looking for or seeing flaws or imperfections doesn't mean they don't exist, nor does not looking for or seeing positive qualities mean they don't exist.
I can be as positive and optimistic as I want, but that's not going to stop someone from lying or cheating. Conversely, me thinking negatively isn't going to cause someone ELSE to ACT negatively.
I think our own attitudes can only affect our OWN behavior, not that of others.
Sheri
Nope, I don't think it works that way. If it's meant to be, it'll work out, and little glitches like that won't even enter into it. The first guy would follow up, I wouldn't show any disappointment to the 2nd guy, I'd make an exception for the 3rd guy, etc...IF it's meant to be.
The point is, if someone is really my "perfect match", he'll do what I need him to do in the beginning (and vice versa), even if I don't consciously know exactly what that is. That's what makes him right for me, and me for him. I'll be ok with whatever it is that someone who's right for me does (even if it's not necessarily how I envisioned it)...it will just work out.
Sheri
yeah...lol... I find that if I just focus on one guy at a time, I feel better with the way I present myself (more quality interaction/effort). i got a little cynical and i started talking to way too many guys at once kinda thinking none of these guys are going to work out, I might as well maximize my time... I definitely think that shows. I know for sure it shows when a guy is doing this and im just on his queue.
i actually think i might take a break for a while once my eharmony subscriptions expires
See I believe the same as you... if things are meant to be, they will. However I do believe that we tend to think that guys won't pick up on our reactions or little subtle things/hints that we're saying and doing. And maybe these guys pick them up and say 'oh, she's really not that interested.' I guess an underlying thing for me here Sheri is that we always tend to say... well if he likes you, he'll do blah blah blah... but what if he does like us and then our actions/reactions confuse him and he decides that we don't feel the same?
Now mind you, I'm not saying this is the case with every situation. All I'm saying is that it is possible that we are affecting outcomes w/o even realizing it.
Kerry
Good post Kerry!!
I come here often but at times all I see is postings that criticize the men that are on the dating sites. They are copied and pasted and then critiqued never being very positive. Why would you desire wanting to rip someone's profile? Why not just cruise the dating site and pick the ones that work for you?? Not everyone on a dating site is the type of person you are seeking. Just like life there are millions of possibilities in regards to men/women so why put so much energy into the ones that strike you odd?
I know this message board is for support but sometimes the ripping of the profiles sometimes distract from the postings that really ask for some good solid advice.
Anyone that is cynical and judgmental is quite insecure about themselves. They try to distract from the fact that they are rejected and try to negatively portray others as having a problem. Kerry is right that a man can sense this and run the other way. Why in the world would any civilized man want a woman who is negative?
Good men are out there and want to meet us all. It won't happen until some of us can put down the armor and swords and become the true women that we can be.
F
See my response to PM...I think I address this there. If it's meant to be...it'll work out. The confused guy, if we were right for each other, either wouldn't be confused, or he'd take another shot anyway...in other words, he'll do whatever it is that *I* need him to do (which may or may not be the same as what another woman would need him to do).
That's why it's so important that each of us give thought to what our OWN guidelines and boundaries are, and act in a way that is true to ourselves. There are some things that are pretty universal, I think, but others are more personal and subjective.
Sheri
I did read your post to PM, that's what sparked mine! hehe
Maybe that's another underlying issue to my post... the fact that people aren't always going to act in the way we want or need them to. That's about expecations, which would make a great post! :o)
You know what started me on this thought process? That new book you recommended by Dr. Phil... ;o)
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