Cyncial and judgemental?
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Cyncial and judgemental?
| Fri, 03-24-2006 - 7:54pm |
Do you ever think that many of us may be too cyncial and judgmental about the people we're meeting via OLD? I mean think about it, we tend to think that they do what they do for negative reasons. And I can't help but to wonder if they're catching that vibe and running the other way. I mean, I know when I meet a person who is too cyncial I run. So I'm wondering if we're putting those vibes out there.
Now don't get me wrong and don't flame me... I'm not saying that we haven't had enough experiences with OLD that have been negative... I'm just saying that maybe we are turning some possibly decent ones into negative ones...
What are your thoughts?
Kerry

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Oh, see, I don't believe that at all...if someone's right for you they absolutely ARE going to act *exactly* the way you NEED them to...even if it's not always what you consciously WANT, THINK or EXPECT...it will nonetheless be what you *NEED*. If you think I'm talking about expectations, wants, etc. then I'm not making my point clearly.
Anywoo...it wasn't me who recommended the book...I'm still on the reserve list at the library ;-).
Sheri
I agree with most of what you said, but don't know if I think the person will always do what you need, ya know? :o) We can agree to disagree though. So long as there's no misspellings in there. hehehe
I'm curious to see what you have to say about the book. Don't you just love the library? I started became a more active member recently and it's great! And it saves a TON of money for me.
<<This is the main problem I see with modern dating. When we like a guy, we can start having all these expectations right away. When it doesn't work out that way, we may become angry and disappointed. >>
This is exactly what I was talking about. Maybe I'm just using the wrong words...
My expectations are pretty reasonable, I think: I expect that the other person will be honest, reliable and considerate with me, as I am with him. If he is not, then sure, I may be angry and/or disappointed, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that...it will pass, and I'm not going to make a federal case out of it (although depending on the situation, I may express my disappointment or anger to him). But ultimately, what that tells me is that that person just isn't right for me.
What I could see happening, however, is a situation where a guy does something HE thinks is considerate, and I think it is not. If we are right for each other, then we will find a way to reach an understanding that he didn't intend the action the way I took it. If we're not right for each other, we won't. For instance, I called a guy I'd been seeing on his behavior in not calling me for 12 days when he had told me he was going to call 2 days later. I told him that was unacceptable to me and broke things off (it wasn't the first time he'd done something like that). If he'd been right for me, he either wouldn't have done that in the first place, or he would have apologized and explained in a way that made me understand that he wasn't intending to be dishonest, rude and inconsiderate (not that I can think of any explanation that would actually DO that ;-), but IF!). Or maybe he just would have said, you're absolutely right, I am so sorry I did that, I promise you I won't do that again, what can I do to make it up to you...and he would have been good to his word.
Sheri
I agree with you that we find what we are looking for, positive or negative. There is no objective reality. Everything we see is filtered through our own experiences and perceptions. After years of negative dating experiences, those filters can become muddy and make everything we see look bad. It takes a lot of effort but I think those filters can be "cleaned" (and hey, it's spring, what better time for spring cleaning? LOL) and become more positive.
My last serious relationship, I know I went into it with a negative attitude and was just waiting for the other shoe to drop - and guess what, it did. I didn't realize at the time how much of an impact my negativity had at the time but I now think it had a lot to do with things not working out.
I am really trying to approach things totally differently now and I think it is making a huge difference. There is a guy I met on eharmony who I've gone out with 7 times now, and I really like him. He is sweet, kind, funny, attentive, athletic, organized, a positive and fun person to be around. But, he doesn't call. At all. He called initially to set up our first date and I don't think he has called since. He asks me for the next date at the end of a date (though he didn't at the end of our last date :( - but, I know he will be in touch) or emails me. If I were in the mindframe of looking for problems, I would take his not calling as a sign of lack of interest, then I would act less interested in him, and things would go downhill from there. I started that thought process after a few dates but then I thought, okay, he is not a phone person, but I'm not really either so the only reason I really care if he calls of not is that usually guys who are interested do call - but that is not true 100% of the time.
My point is, I am making a conscious effort to look for the positive things about him rather than negative things. I am not closing my eyes to negatives but I am not actively searching for them. To be honest it is easy with this guy because there are so many great things about him and as far as I have seen so far few negatives. Anyway I absolutely agree that your attitude affects what you see in other people and that affects how you react and that affects how he reacts to you. There are so many small interactions in the course of a date and if you have a negative mindset, even if you think you are concealing it you're not. It comes out in the little things and people notice and react to it.
So, a guy lying to you or cheating on you can actually be a *positive* thing if you have the right attitude, is that what you're saying? Or a guy bringing you flowers or washing your car is really a negative? I'm not trying to be difficult ;-), but I don't get this perspective that everything is good if you are positive and everything is bad if you are negative. That doesn't make sense to me.... there ARE at least *some* things that ARE objectively positive or negative, in and of themselves. I honestly think that the good things would still be good and the bad things would still be bad, regardless of one's attitude.
Re your current example: if you *needed* him to call, then the two of you wouldn't be compatible. But you don't, at this point in your life...you can be ok with him not calling. But it wouldn't be "wrong" or "bad" if you had a need for him to call...he just wouldn't be the right guy for you.
Sheri
No, I didn't say that *anything* can be good if you are positive and bad if you are negative. I agree there are some actions that are almost always good or bad, but there are a ton of other things that fall in the gray area in between where how you perceive things makes a difference.
Example, the guy I've been seeing is obviously very interested in me physically . We haven't had sex yet but have had a couple of intense makeout sessions. It used to be that if a guy pushed things physically before I was ready to move forward it really annoyed me and I would think, what a jerk, he's only interested in sex. This guy, I just think, okay, he is very interested in sex but I know and can see that is not ALL he is interested in. I think that was probably the case with lots of guys in my past but I had a negative attitude and didn't see things that way. I think I over-focused on the bad and ignored the good.
Another example, there were a couple of things about this guy that I saw on the first date that I initially thought were probably incompatibilities. If I were in a negative mindset I would have focused on that - and in fact I almost cancelled our second date because I was thinking, he is just too different than me and it's pointless. But then I thought, you know, there are a lot of positive things about this guy that I really like but here I am focusing on the two possible negatives instead. So I decided to give it another chance and it turns out that I really don't think those two things are going to be issues.
Ok...I appreciate your response...I'm still not really getting it but that's ok ;-).
To me, it would appear that the guys you've been negative about in the past were not right for you at that point in your life...if they had been, they'd have overcome your objections, or you would have talked yourself out of your negative feelings, like you did with this guy.
If it's meant to be, you'll perceive things as you need to in order to make it happen, IMO.
Sheri
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