Dating Article of the Week 7/24

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Dating Article of the Week 7/24
12
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:02am

OK, what do you think of this one that states that successful, smart women have a harder time finding dates because they could be intimidating.

heather 5-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:00pm

I totally agree with this article and can relate 100%. I am told all the time that I am intimidating. Even the last guy I dated wouldn't even make the first move to kiss me because "you are so damn intimidating!" It has to do with a lot of things though, not just my job. I'm a 5'9, curvy, blonde who's told all the time that I should model, even though I don't see myself like that. I'm a normal, girl next door type. I was chubby all my life and always saw myself like that. I didn't blossom until a couple years ago and my mind hasn't caught up to my appearance yet. I am in Marketing, but when I tell men exactly what I do, they always seem taken back. I also own my own home and do not have any debts (except for the normal ones, mortgage and car payment) but other than that I am debt free. Oh and I am 27. All of this combined has put me into a lethal weapon category. You don't know how many times I have been told "You are a guy's dream!" "You are perfect!" But in the end, the guy I'm dating isn't happy with himself and doesn't feel he can measure up to me(?), so he ends things. This has been my life for the past 2 years. It's very frustrating. I am always asked "Why are you single?!?!" I really don't know why, I just have to suck it up to not finding the right person yet.

Stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 4:47pm

Interesting article. I am college educated but do not have a four-year degree. I think I am fairly articulate, have manners and have a certain amount of class. I guess if that intimidates a man, then he isn't someone I would want to be with. I think the clingy, have to have a man attitude is unappealing for probably the majority of decent men out there.

I've been told that "desperate" is not attractive and I certainly agree. Being "needy", in my opinion, is another version of desperate. I think if we have to change our personality so much in order to find a man, then we are not being true to ourselves anyway. But, I just do not buy the theory that men are attracted to women who "need" them to make their living or to be their only source of happiness. I can guarantee you if I played my cards with that theory in mind, I would STILL be single. So, I will take my chances with my self-sufficient, independent personality as it is. If a man finds that off-putting, let him find some wilting violet who needs him for his finances and her total support system. I think most of us on the board are more grounded than that. :0

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:15pm

This is THE question asked to men in the U.S., "what do you do?" This is not such a question asked in Europe so I understand.

I ask the question "what are you passionate about?" or "what do you love to do?" And when I was out of work, I tell people the answer to that question instead.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:54pm

Ugh, I have this problem ALL THE TIME.

First, I only date men with college degrees. That solves a lot of problems right there.

But I still dread telling men that I work for . It only gets worse when they find out I'm a pilot. So I really limit myself to dating men in the industry. They (and the ones with four doctorates) seem to be the only ones who don't run off. For me, number two is the only one that works.







iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 9:23am

I have mixed feelings about this. I think Emily's approach is a good one. Every time I've "dated down", so to speak, I've regretted it. The guys end up taking out all their insecurities on me, acting out, etc.

I'm 45, the tail end of the baby boomer generation. I work in the medical field in a teaching hospital and meet many people in their late twenties and early-to-mid thirties.
I find myself wishing I'd just been born 10-15 years later. These younger women seem to have the world by the balls. They seem to have it all: the career, more evolved men to pick from, and the cute baby. I think men are changing. Many of their mothers worked, and they are seeing the value of a more equally-balanced partnership.

As Emily pointed out, I think it's a better bet if you limit yourself to dating men the same level as you. For all the talk we hear about "broadening your dating expectations", I think people who share the same values, goals, and ambition have better odds of making it for the long haul. And I'n not ashamed to admit I want to be with someone who is successful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 11:51am

This is a very interesting discussion. & I'm glad its being mentioned b/c i always sort of wanted to comment on this but didnt want to sound "conceited" or "too good".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 2:13pm

I'm right there with you, Rebecca. I married way down, too. I make a good living as a physician assistant(approx. 80K), have an MS, own my own home, am attractive, intelligent, and stable. I want someone who makes as much or more than I make, no bones about it. I realize that severely narrows my field of possibilities, but guess what? I'd rather be alone than settle. I see too many women who are with losers that they are having to take care of. I've worked hard and am reponsible, and I will not be with a man who is not the same. I want to be comfortable as I get older, not struggling.

I get so tired of all the talk from dating "experts" that we shouldn't be focused on finding someone successful..... that nice, romantic, "sweet," or good in bed should do it. Well, I'm not asking for anything that I myself do not have to offer.

As far as size or looks, no, I don't think that is the issue. I know too many overweight women with good men. Five years ago, I had just lost 28 pounds, was a size 2-4, and at age 40 looked better than I had ever looked in my life, far better than most women my age and even younger(not to sound conceited). And I still didn't find anyone. I've since gained some of it back and am now a size 6, but I still look pretty damn good.

I think it boils down to fate, and you and I and some of the others here have just not been lucky yet. I believe the odds are we will eventually find someone who, while not perfect, will meet most of our important criteria. I know of at least three women recently who are much older than me who have found romance and are quite happy. And not one of them met their guy online, by the way. It just happened. One met her guy at work, the other at a funeral (!), and my mother's friend who is 80 years old was called out of the blue by the lawyer who represented her in her divorce 30 years ago! He told her that at the time he was very attracted to her, but he was married with seven children. His wife recently died, and he remembered this woman. They are having fun, and he plans to take her to Florida next winter.

While I haven't given up, I prefer to focus on my life and growing as a person, and not so focused on going out on boring dates trying to find the "One". I find I'm much happier that way. I really beleive you can't MAKE it happen...it will happen if and when it is meant to be.

This really is a great discussion. I don't feel women should have to apologize for wanting to meet someone who is their equal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 3:34pm

Love your stories about the women finding love at the funeral AND in her X-D lawyer! lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 5:40pm

I think ya'll have convinced me not to finish my masters! :-)

Honestly, though, I always felt stuck up for not wanting to date men who don't live their lives the way I do. I feel better now. I think.







iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 8:19pm
lol
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