Dating & Depression
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| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:54pm |
OK, I admit it. I am really down and out about my dating life. I'm very depressed at this point in my life. My sister just told me that I am happy IF I have a guy in my life and I'm not if I don't. Since I'm "somewhat" of a feminist at heart, she said that that did not look good for someone who claims to be a bit of a feminist. And while I am proud to have some "feminist" traits, I admit that I have been very lonely and very unhappy in my personal life for the past several years (or longer). I have had absolutely nothing but disappointments and heartache through OLD. I admit dating was almost non-existent before, but what dates I have had (via OLD) have never panned out to anything really long-term.
My 3 1/2 month relationship with Mark was what I thought would be long term. In fact, I felt pretty certain that we would stay together--possibly for life. Then his custody ordeal came up and he left town and here I am with NO ONE once again. I continue to hope that he might come back to town and get some things straightened out in his life, but in the meantime I have sunk into a deep depression. I have a psychic friend who believes Mark will be back, but I can't count on that. I do not have the energy or gumption to do OLD again. My heart is not in it. I am of the thinking that if it couldn't work with Mark, then it isn't likely to work with someone else who probably wouldn't even live in the area. I've sworn off long distance relationships--they usually do not work.
I have had NO steady boyfriend since I ended my long-term relationship in August '99. That's a VERY long time to be totally single. I have had some dates but none that turned into long-term relationships. I'm told I'm decent looking, have a sense of humor/good personality, and I have many friends. Maybe this is just a bad phase I'm going through.
But, I'm wondering how many of you have really felt like I do now? I know that not having a guy in your life is NOT the end of the world, but I am back to feeling cursed--that the Gods do not want me to have a significant other. Can you relate?

Well, I can't say I feel cursed, but I can totally relate to being down about being single, dating, the whole nine yards. This past Saturday evening I felt as blue about not having a man in my life as I can ever remember feeling. It was hard. I felt so bad, I actually put up an ad on CL on Sunday morning, breaking my self-imposed 90 day OLD hiatus (I made it to 72 or 73 days, LOL!). Of course, as soon as I started to get responses, I remembered why I was taking a break, ha, and I took it right down again!!!
I'm not sure I agree with what your sister seems to be saying--to me, feminism is about equality in the workplace and under the law--it has nothing to do with whether you feel lonely if you're not in a romantic relationship. IMO, you can have a good, full life, be emotionally healthy, etc, and STILL yearn to have that connection.
I haven't had a LTR for over 9 years now, since my last LTR ended in July 1997. I've had lots and lots of dates, a bunch of 3-6 date things, a handful of short-term relationships lasting from about 2-6 months (and one longer LDR), but not the serious LTR with someone who is right for me that I really want. So, yes, I can definitely relate.
I would urge you to not fall into that way of thinking about Mark though. He had some pretty serious issues as I recall. Things were not all hunky dory even before the custody thing came up.
I totally understand you not wanting to do OLD right now...but if you do want a relationship, what are the alternatives? I have tried a whole bunch of other ways to meet single men my age, but nothing has worked other than OLD. So when I'm ready to get back into it, I'll hold my nose and jump back into that OLD dating pool because the alternative is to be alone and that's not what I want.
Sheri
Mitsy,
I know exactly how you feel...and this is my take. I don't care what anyone says, NO relationship is perfect and there will always be something you really can't stand about the one you're with. Not just dislike, I'm talking about something that will really get on your nerves...the way he handles things, the way he communicates, the way he manages his finances, the way he puts his children first, the way he let's his mother meddle in your affairs, the way he gets moody or the way he ignores you sometimes..there will always be something that won't be perfect.
For a long time I realized that it wasn't that I couldn't get boyfriends...it's that I kept breaking up with them thinking it would be better somewhere else...that my 'ideal' hadn't been met and staying in that relationship or with that person was 'settling'. That's always what people tell you and that's what's been ingrained in our heads--the 'right one' will come along....don't settle...be selective. Well, let me tell you, NO HE WON'T. Every relationship I got into there was always 'something'...it was never perfect and I always had to settle in some form or another. So here I am at 36, still searching and still not finding my 'ideal'. Everyone will tell you 'The right one will come'. Well, the right one isn't neccessarily the flawless one. The 'right one' may just be the guy you love but the one you're willing to put up with....because that's what it boils down to, choosing what it is you want to put up with.
For the longest, I didn't want to put up with no man's crap (the feminist in me) but that's what got me where I am today--alone and highly critical about what I'm looking for in a relationship...and even though many of us won't admit it, I do think we DO expect a lot and have very, very high (and unreasonable) expectations. Having standards is good, don't take me wrong, but they need to be realistic. I'm finally realizing that if I want to form a life with a man, I'm going to have to deal with the good AND the bad. If I'm not willing to do that, then I'll always feel jilted, like I'm not finding what I want and I'll live a life alone.
Some women want security and find a rich guy who has no sex drive. Some women want a man who's hot and settle for a man who's a lion in bed but not a good provider. Other women want a man who's intelligent and overlook his less than stellar looks. And yet other women want a man who has a six figure income and graduate degree and are willing to overlook his nasty temper. Girl, there's never a perfect man. Look at Priscilla Presley...she was gorgeous, beautiful, married to Elvis...the man was utterly breathtaking, talented, charismatic....how many women didn't want him in his day? And yet, he was basically a crappy husband. All those wonderful qualities and his lifestyle made it that he was constantly surrounded by tempation and other women...and yet, she hung in there for years. And I'm sure that even if she had to re-live it, she wouldn't have changed a thing--she got him, she had his child and even if it didn't last and it was hard at times, she tolerated it and would do it all over again. Why? For love.
My advice is find the man you love. If it's Mark and he wants you, find him. Make it work. Don't be prideful. Don't expect perfection. His child custody thing may be an issue you don't like and it may bug you for a while, but remember that his kids won't be small forever. In 20 yrs, you'll be sleeping in his bed, not his little kids...and it will be hard, but if you love him and your gut tells you he's worth it, no matter how imperfect he is, do it. I'm not going to tell you to hold out or the 'right guy will come'. I don't know that...the right guy may NEVER come and I'm sick of people telling us that. If you want to get married and have kids, do it. Make your life, don't expect some magical, perfect force to shape your life. You're in contol here. WE MAKE OUR LIVES. Prince Charming doesn't exist. Only the man you love and are willing to work it out with. As long as the man isn't beating you, abusive, addicted to something or cheating, I believe all things are worth fighting for...this is your life and fight for it.
Good luck, hun. I know EXACTLY what you feel. I'm there and believe me, I'm totally evaluating my situation myself.
I did not realize that you had been out of a LTR longer than me...I thought I won the prize for the longest time with no one permanent.
Regarding Mark, I never did allude that he was "perfect" for me. I knew my odds of finding that elusive match would be hard no matter how I met someone. And, I do believe that if the custody issue had not come up, that we would still be together. He did have his flaws, but I also have mine and I was able to get some answers about how to deal with some of his flaws via this board and through other people I know. I believed he was a good man. He just seems to be terribly misguided now and I cannot count on that changing in the future. I also had never dealt with the issue of dating a guy who had custody of his child, especially a daughter. That still seems a bit off from the norm to me, but I was willing to deal with it, and like another poster said, that would be a non-issue at some point. They don't stay 13 forever. In a few years, the kid will be on her own.
Anyhow, it helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I think the "feminist" analogy is in regard to how the stereotype of a feminist is a woman who is very independent (which I am) who is happy without a man..isn't ever crying in her soup over a guy. Doesn't see marriage as the ultimate goal in life. And while I can say I have managed to have a life without a man, I know that I have made some real effort in the last several years to try to find a decent guy I could have a LTR with. Heck, I was even thinking marriage with Mark...eventually. I am past babies, but I truly do want a guy who might consider marriage at some point. Right now, I can't get the LTR which needs to happen first.
It just seems like I see so many other people find someone. I see and hear about people getting married who I never dreamed would do so. And here I sit, a woman with no kids (and not looking to have any), who doesn't want a man for his money, and I have a half-way decent figure and pretty good personality (or so I'm told) and I have hit nothing but brick walls with OLD. Mark was the only one who seemed like he would work out, so when he basically lost it, I was devastated and I think I am just not over that. Not sure when I will be, but I know I'm not ready to start the chats again with men online.
>>But, I'm wondering how many of you have really felt like I do now? I know that not having a guy in your life is NOT the end of the world, but I am back to feeling cursed--that the Gods do not want me to have a significant other. Can you relate?<<
I go up and down on this one. Today, I am definitely feeling a little cursed and depressed about my love life.
For me, I very much would like a partner in my life. Not just any guy, but a GOOD guy and the guy who is right for me. I have realized that this is much harder to come by than I originally thought, and dating gets very frustrating after awhile. It's rare that I feel a strong connection with someone, and I dearly miss the connections I had with the men in my past.
The one thing that gets me through is knowing that I have had those connections before - so I at least know it's possible. That gives me some hope for the future.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Well, I've got you both beat.
And I have also been told that the "right one will come along". And just WHEN might that be? And wouldn't it be a crying shame if I really HAD wanted to have kids all along? I'd be SOL for sure. I never wanted kids that badly and I sure as hell never wanted them as a single person (although I have friends who wanted kids actually worse than a husband) but wanted the hubby first so not to get flack from people. I feel bad for women who are in their baby-making years and can't find anyone decent.
I guess with that issue behind me, I would think that I would be quite a good catch for most guys my age. So far, I have only met one guy who still wanted kids, and he was 48. Same one who e-mailed me that he didn't feel the right "chemistry" with me even though we both knew he probably needed someone younger to give him kids. He wanted to meet me anyway, but it was another let-down because I knew I would never see him again. I have my own issues otherwise, but as far as a lot of real "baggage", I don't feel like I have a lot compared to a lot of other people. I own my own home as well, mow my own yard, and take care of myself. I do not think I give off vibes of desperation either. If wanting someone to ask me out after we have had one date or initial contact is considered looking desperate, then I guess I am guilty.
I don't think that I have ever been too pushy with men, although I have initiated dates with a few, with not a lot of success for 2nd dates by the guy in question. I have encountered men who acted like they knew nothing about dating, about what was expected or what was appropriate in the way of keeping in contact. It's like the majority of them need a course on "how to treat a woman". They just don't get it, or maybe I don't get what it takes to find and keep a guy worth having.
No, a man is not the answer to end all unhappiness, but after so many years of disappointments and dead-end deals, I guess I am just emotionally spent with setting myself up to get knocked down later. And trying to keep a positive attitude has not made any difference at all. I can keep that up for quite a while until it becomes painfully obvious that the guy is either not interested, has other issues that overtake him or otherwise just bails on me. This seems to happen time and time again. Each time it happens, I am a little less confident, have a little less self-esteem and start questioning my own judgement when it comes to men in general. I have been fooled by men I never ever dreamed would hurt me or let me down.
Anyway, I am glad to know it's not just me who feels this way. Somehow, that makes me feel better to know there are many of us in the same boat. :0