Dating Question: Financially Stable?
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Dating Question: Financially Stable?
| Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:04pm |
Okay, it seems that lately I've been corresponding and meeting men who are either having financial difficulties and/or extreme cases??
I don't like to question men as if they are going on a job interview, but any suggestions on how I can find out where a person stands financially without blatantly asking him??
It's so unfair and I hate to sound shallow. It seems you have to wait just to find someone you are remotely interested in and then you do, and then find out they have no money to take you out on dates!
I'm an African-American, and I wonder if other races have this issue much. It seems I'm the only one who posts about meeting men who are not financially stable.

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Personally, I wouldn't think it's appropriate to *ask* immediately up front, until you've already got some sense of a guy's personality and if you're otherwise interested in pursuing a relationship.
I think within the course of a few dates you can get a general idea where someone stands financially, just through little situations and conversation.
Hey sistah, you are singin' my song!
I run into the same problem as well, but that's minor compared to guys who are schemin' and creepin' on their wives and acting like they're single/available.
I think your best bet is to give it a little time, have a few convos and see what the guy reveals about himself. If you really like him and hope for something more, see if you can get him to reveal his full name, age and place/date of birth. You can then do a name search via state court records and see what pops up. Some state courts now offer limited info on-line for free or a nominal fee.
I ran a check on a guy I conversed with for several months through one dating site and found enough information on him (through his home state court records) that showed he was bad news.
Better to find out sooner than later.
Heymum
P.S. If they have one or more minor children, they may be paying lots of $ in child support, so I wouldn't expect them to be fat with the cash.
Personally, race has nothing to do with it. I’m a white person but 80% of my company is African American including my boss. He’s successful and so are the people I work for mainly A.A.’s. Financially stable comes in all races.
A good key indicator is do they rent or own. Or saving to own? Do they throw money away foolishly. Do they speak of a future? There is no way to know for sure as people do lie but guys who tend to be a little bit (not a lot) cheap are good in my book, shows they value money.
SP
A couple good questions to ask in the pre-meeting stage that can be asked conversationally are things like, where do you work? how long have you worked there? What part of town do you live in? Have you lived there a long time? Do you live in a house or an apartment? I tend to work these into conversation and volunteer my own information as well so it doesn't seem like I'm grilling them.
If they have a job they've had for a while, and have lived in one neighborhood for a while, that's a great indication of stability (although it's not foolproof). Sometimes you just have to wait and see! And I agree with the post that said if they're paying CS, they're less likely to have a lot of extra $$ for dating, etc.
Sheri
You know, in all my past romantic relationships, a man's financial status meant nothing to me. When I was young, I was not thinking about the future.
It is only since I started dating/online dating last year, and since I acquired my sort-of bf, that I realize how important finances are. However, I don't demand much: a steady job, with health insurance. That's about it. The situation with my bf is what brought about this change in my thinking. My bf worked steadily for many yrs (BEFORE we met online) and owns a house. But when his company closed, he went into business for himself and it isn't going so well. Furthermore, he has health problems and no insurance. So that is how I began to change my mind about the importance of financial stability. I make very little myself, but I need (for anything permanent) a man who earns as much as I do, at least.
Heymum -
I am interested in your comment about searching the state court records. How does this work? I live in California... How would I search for such info. Would it show both Criminal records and civil records?
Just so you know, I am not as interested in the financial aspect as in the character / type of person. I would not want to go out with a guy who has a long history of not paying child support or who has some criminal background.
Thanks for the advice
West
Financially "instability" seems to know no particular race, gender, background or anything else. It can happen to anyone. I've had my share of financial struggles, but a lot of it was due to my own mismanagement of funds. There is no crime in being in debt, but there is problem when the person does nothing to remedy the situation. The thing I would be concerned about more was whether the guy expected you to somehow help him out financially. I've heard horror stories where women (quite stupidly) give $ to boyfriends with the belief that they'll get paid back. That type of guy is not what any woman needs.
No, you can't ask about finances right off the bat, but in time you will probably learn what his beliefs are about money. A guy can date a woman without breaking the bank. There are a lot of activities that cost little to no money and unless you demand steak or prime rib, you can have a decent meal without it costing a lot. Heck, a meal at his place can be great. I think it's important for a guy (or woman) to have a plan or goal about their finances. In other words, if someone is heavily in debt, they need to make it a priority to get out from under the debt. If that means taking on a second job or doing without some things, it needs to happen if you are to have a stable future with the person. Most people don't need to take on someone else's debt. Run like the wind from any guy who hints at you helping him financially. That would be a deal-breaker (as Dr. Phil says) for me.
IMO, finances can play a big part of your relationship. Be it in the short term, or the long term. I think money is one of the main things that people argue about once they get into a relationship, so it is best to be ok with their situation when you walk into it. I come from a rather well off family, so financial situations can tend to be a decision maker for me. I don't demand that a man make a certain amount or be the most successful in his field. However, I do prefer that they have a good job. Partly because I do like a man that can pay for some things, although I do pay occassionaly. I use a few tactics in order to decifer their true financial situation. 1: If a guy has some luxury vehicle in my age bracket (20's) I wonder how much of their pay check they spend just to look good as they drive around town. A lot of your wheels is just for show. I myself drive a very nice car, but my parents bought it for me. Guys always make comments, so if a guy makes too many remarks, I check him off the list. Too impressed = too impressed by money. 2: If he takes me to the nicest restaurant on our first date. Ask yourself what is he trying to prove? Why does he feel he has to show off like this? And, what did you do to deserve it? Nothing at this point, so he does this with everyone. Nice, yes. But not special and certainly throwing away money.
You can also do a job title search on Salary.com. Enter in the city and state, and it will show you the least, average and highest paid salary for that specific job in that specific area.
Now the guys that are paying child support, ladies lets remember how many guys out there that are dead beat dads. They don't pay child support. So sometimes the fact that he is paying CS may be a good sign of character.
But it works out funny in my situation, because guys always think that they can't afford me or ever keep up with what I already have. Some of my past boyfriends have said that my family situation is intimidating. They are sometimes embarrassed by their parent's home after seeing mine. This hurts me to no end. Some guys don't even want to date me because of it. I usually try to find a guy that makes more than me. This way he always knows that I, myself, can not afford what he can. Even if my family has money, I always have a humble attitude towards it. Has anyone experienced this? If so how do you deal with it?
Financially stable has nothing to do w/ the amount someone makes or their "race"..
Financially stable is someone that manages their money that comes in well and isn't living beyond their means-- someone could be a millionaire and be broke if they are not managing their income well.
So if someone takes you to a 5 star restaurant on the first date (as another poster posted) nothing wrong w/ that if they can afford that type of place. Most of the men I date (i am in SoCAL, ) make a decent living and this is how they always live because they CAN.. NOw however if the guy is one that makes more of an average salary and he is taking you to 5 star restaurants off the bat he probably won't be able to do this all the time and if he is, he is living beyond his means..(credit card debt possibly) A home owner to me is a huge indicator in my opinion that someone is ok financially because to buy a house takes a real committment to saving a down payment and making a mnthly mortgage payment. also when getting a mortgage the bank does all their credit checks..
And also on the Child support, this also depends on the guys salary.. If the guys makes enough , he can afford a bit more out of his pocket but may have to cut back in another area.. Yes child support is not always based on income.. it depends on situations /type of custody.. If they have partial custody less child support , so just because they more or less doesn't depend on howmuch they are paying out..
I think it takes time to know how/if a man is financially stable.. But I also think you can ask the right questions to find out what their values are about money/ save/spender,
or just spend /spend /spend..
I'd just like to say a big fat AMEN to a couple things...
There is no crime in being in debt, but there is problem when the person does nothing to remedy the situation....
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