Dating Question: Financially Stable?
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Dating Question: Financially Stable?
| Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:04pm |
Okay, it seems that lately I've been corresponding and meeting men who are either having financial difficulties and/or extreme cases??
I don't like to question men as if they are going on a job interview, but any suggestions on how I can find out where a person stands financially without blatantly asking him??
It's so unfair and I hate to sound shallow. It seems you have to wait just to find someone you are remotely interested in and then you do, and then find out they have no money to take you out on dates!
I'm an African-American, and I wonder if other races have this issue much. It seems I'm the only one who posts about meeting men who are not financially stable.

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I don't think your concerns for wanting a healthy financial status on a prospective mate is being shallow at all!
Because I've been involved with a number of men who were financially irresponsible, or in debt due to poor decision making or careless behavior, I can honestly say I won't ever do it again.
Now in my mid 30s, I am not interested in meeting men who don't have their act together financially. I've worked very hard to get to where I am, and expect my partner to be in the same playing field as well. This generally means that he's got an asset or two, is fiscally responsible, has good credit, and makes wise choices with his money overall.
Frankly, I just don't want to be with someone who can't afford to contribute equally to a down payment, or who gets turned down for loans because of bad credit.
I've been there. It's not fun. In fact, it can be really stressful and a headache to deal with in a relationship.
So how do you find all this out before becoming too involved, you asked? No real easy answer there.
I've made a point of mentioning that I'm interested in meeting people who are responsible/financially stable in my online ads. I think it has helped. And of course, you'll always get a few who'll read your ad and think "Well, three outta five ain't so bad"...and hit send.
The bottom line is that you need to consider your own well-being first. After some of my experiences, I've come to realize that being with someone who doesn't share similar values in spending, or who has excessive "baggage" in the financial department is not someone I want to be with in the long run. Relationships are challenging enough without it!
"Now in my mid 30s, I am not interested in meeting men who don't have their act together financially. I've worked very hard to get to where I am, and expect my partner to be in the same playing field as well. This generally means that he's got an asset or two, is fiscally responsible, has good credit, and makes wise choices with his money overall."
couldn't agree more!! I don't want someone ruining my credit that i have worked on all my life. i want an equal someone who has good credit, assets, and yes like me responsible.
they say finances are generally the number one reason why people don't get along!
but i also put this in my ad too. and the reason being i couldnot be w/ someone that had any issues w/ their finances or any debts. i know divorce and all that stuff makes it hard but i have been their too and always made sure i took of myself so i would be ok down the road, it does say a lot about you as a person too.
yeah i wish there was a section in profiles for FICO score. Its not the amount of money someone has..but how they handle it. I can understand a crisis situation...but A BIG HECK YEAH to the poster who mentioned that LEARNING from a mistake is far more important to me. Ive made a mistake in my own and literally didn't date others until i got back on my own feet because I didnt want to bring that to a relationship. I am totally taking responsibility for it. I refuse to ever co-sign a loan for someone or give any money I am not willing to kiss goodbye for ever. Conversely, I will never ask a love interest for money help. I have my boss/friend for that who has helped me out in a pinch and paid back within days. (I have no parents or family). Its a great feeling to not be dependent or beholden. It helps clear things better to be emotional rather than "owed".
good thread...
Lizzie
It is definitely not just a race thing! For a while it seemed like every guy (usually white guys) I met was a loser when it came to money. Even when you meet what seems like a good guy there might be problems!
I dated one guy for a while who seemed like he "had it together" in the money department because he always had cash. In fact he was almost thrifty and we didn't really agree on money, he thought I spent too much on shoes and clothes!
But then as I got to know him I realized I shouldn't feel guilty about hitting the Macy's sale. Yes he was smart with money, drove an older little car that was reliable and got good mileage and didn't spend on dumb stuff, but he never had any FUN. Didn't go to movies out or eat out very often.
He thought he was so smart because he was so good with money but in reality he didn't have a clue. His retirement plan was mostly "inherit from parents", he was an only child so that would probably work as long as they didn't have to live in a nursing home and spend all their money.
But his house? Paid for by... guess who? Mommy and Daddy bought it for him (he didn't make a lot of money in his job). He also lied on his taxes (when he even DID his taxes- one year he didn't do them for months) and was sponging off of the state welfare system for his health insurance (self-employed).
So yeah this guy was all proud of how thrifty he was and tried to make me feel guilty for spending money the way I did, but at least I didn't lie on my taxes, take welfare I didn't deserve, and I have a good job with a great pension plan that's much better than "hope Mom and Dad leave me a big bag of money". Plus I bought my OWN house instead of needing my folks to do it!
It is almost like you not only have to find a guy who is good with money from day-to-day, but also a guy who knows how to take care of things in the long term. He was actually okay on a day-to-day basis but was horrible in the long term, if his parents have to spend their own money he is screwed. Or if I get angry at him and turn him in to the IRS for lying for years on his taxes! LOL Lucky for him the breakup wasn't bad (although not soon enough!)
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