Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective
12
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:00pm

This is a "to do" list for women who aren't meeting the guys they want to meet, either the quantity of guys or the quality of guys that make them happy. If you are happy with what you are getting, then good for you. Don't change a thing. If you are going to gripe about players, flakey guys, guys who only love the chase, guys who only want sex, and all the rest, then do these things and you will have more shots at more good guys than you will know what to do with.

1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it.

2. Be open to meeting guys ANYWHERE. On the street, at the grocery store, at the mall, at the bank, wherever. Realize that we do not require to be all dressed up in club gear for us to be attracted to you. You look better than you think in the sweats and ball cap you wore to run to the grocery store for your Ben & Jerry's pint fix.

3. Be approachable. How? Lose the "I am about to crap a watermelon" look on your face. Look pleased to be alive if not happy to be where you are. Stop making such an intensive study of the floor tiles. Look around, see who is around. Don't be afraid to make eye contact.

4. Speaking of eye contact, when you make it and glance away instantly we guys will often think "Oh, she definitely does not want me walking over there." If you do it a second time, we will often be sure of that assessment. When you make eye contact, make it for an extended period of time. Shoot for 5 seconds. Yes, you can do this in line at the bank. Be sure to include some kind of smile that we can actually see and isn't hidden behind your hair that falls in your face as you rapidly whip your head away and out of eye contact.

5. Speaking of hair, don't cut it short. There is a thread on this now. Read it and understand it.

6. Dress however the guy you want to meet would like to see a woman dress, not just how you think guys in general want women dressing. If you want a guy that likes women dressed in jeans and ball caps, then wear that. If you want a guy that like women dressed in hooker gear, then wear that. You will be choosing what you attract.

7. You know how you go into a social event and within moments 4 guys have sloppily tried to hit on you and now you are all annoyed at men in general? Lose the attitude. The guy playing pool with his buddies who you might like to talk to has watched all this and can see that you are now pissed off and isn't going to bother. He's having more fun shooting pool than he would have dealing with your aggravation.

8. Even if you stay upbeat that guy may assume that you are through listening to guys for the night. If you think you might like to talk to him, go say hello. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

9. You are allowed to initiate conversation or approach men. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

10. Society does not say that women cannot be aggressive. WOMEN say that women cannot be aggressive. This does not turn most guys off. It WILL turn off the players who just love the chase. Guess what that makes them? A dumbass, and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

11. Just because you approached or asked out one guy, or even two, and it did not result in a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming worthy of a fairy tale publication and a Sunday evening miniseries does not mean that doing such things does not work. It just means that you are dealing with people and people don't always "click." Deal with it.

12. You can meet good guys in bars. You just have to cut past the 4 players who roll up in the first two minutes. The good guys are shooting pool or talking with friends while the vultures are descending when you walk in the door.

13. The Man-fairy is not going to deliver a guy to your doorstep and ring the bell. If you want to meet more guys, you have to leave the house. Yes, I know it was a long week at work. Yes, I know you have plants to repot and knitting to do and your wine glasses all need polishing. Yes, I know you have saved all those Extreme Home Makeover episodes on your TiVo. Skip it. The men are all out there at the bars, bookstores, running clubs, and coffee shops of the world. If you only socialize once a month beyond your weekly trip to blockbuster then not meeting guys is your own fault.

14. Yes, you can meet good guys at the gym. It is just very hard to do so when you never take off your iPod headphones.

15. Attach no significance to when a guy calls. Just about everyone has some silly rule about how many days to wait before calling. Most of them have no bearing on what the guy is really thinking, other than that he is guessing at which "rule" you believe in. As long as he hasn't waited so long that it is rude, don't sweat it.

16. If you are not interested, don't give a guy your number and then blow him off. It is just rude and you WILL develop a reputation.

17. Take some risks. Go talk to that guy. It isn't as hard as it looks and getting shot down is better than never knowing. It is better than kicking yourself all the way home over why he didn't come talk to you.

18. If a guy acts like a jerk, he IS a jerk. You can't change him, tame him, or anything like that and there is no prize for playing that game. Just a lot of heartache and baggage to carry to the next guy until you make yourself totally undateable.

19. If you are talking to a guy and getting good vibes but he just isn't "closing the deal" (asking for your number, etc), realize that he might be having trouble with your signals. Either amp up the signals or just offer your number. See what happens. You aren't promising to have his babies, so settle down.

20. Your dating fate is in your hands. YOU can make these changes and YOU can gain some control of things if YOU choose to do so. If you don't, I don't have any sympathy for you.

21. Not having cats will really, REALLY help your case. (In my case, that's true...damn allergies).

22. Most women will not buy into this because it would mean accepting responsibility for their dating lives, something most women avoid like the plague, which would give a woman an advantage over others by following these suggestions.

23. Don't stick to tight groups of friends all night. All that does is make it unlikely that a nonplayer will approach you. No, that doesn't mean the guy isn't confident. It just means the guy is smart enough to realize he can't entertain 986875 girls that get out once a month while at least 1/4 of the group is PMSing. Cycle around alone a bit. You will probably not get kidnapped from a public eating or drinking establishment.

24. Just because a guy wants sex from you does not mean that he ONLY wants sex from you. If he approached you, asked you out or responded to your advances then he wants sex from you at a minimum. He may want more, but he at least wants that. if you avoid guys who show that they want sex then you will likely end up undersexed when in the relationship.

Pages

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:53pm

I don't disagree with the stuff about being open and approachable, etc. But #24 is a load of hooey, IMO. Just because a guy is a *gentleman* doesn't mean he's not sexual!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:22am

Reading all of this stuff leaves me exhausted, and with only one comment, "Whatever."

Thanks anyway ;)

Begin

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:34am
LOL love it
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:57am

Hi Y'all,

Hey, we women are Always saying we want to Know what a man is thinking....well, whether we like it/agrre with it/wanna do it...here it IS! :) Personally, I like it, although it does not totally apply to every man I have ever met(especially those who thought they were Brad Pitt in a Matt Damon suit--puhleez!), but... it Does apply to the reality of things, in general!

Let me add one more...Don't Be Jealous! IF he had wanted to be with "her", he would be there Now! People have to earn your trust, and once they Do, let them have it willingly. We all have more issues than Life magazine with that one...but being able to trust is what has brought Tall Man and I into our 5th, Wonderful month!

Along that same line, if a man says that he has "slept with a few women on the first date and it was fine with him, he did not think she was a Ho..."..my answer to that was /Is..."Ok, then where is she NOW, if that was all so fine?" I rest my case.

Don't give up the ship...there are good people out there to have real relationships with!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:00am

<<>>

HUH? maybe they didn't work out for other reasons, why would you natural assumption be it was because they slept with each other early on? LOL

I don't think every girl that a boyfriend has broken up with must be because she slept with him too early, I normally just assume, things didn't work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:11am

Hi SS,

I regret it if I came off sounding like someone who slept with a man on date 1 is less than 'golden' :) My intent there was to say Not to fall for any chat about sleeping with someone if You are not ready. I think it is best to wait a while, but how long That is, is up to each individual. I like to know more about someone, as when I am intimate, All of me is intimate with them, and that is where you start to connect more and care more...and if he is not 'there', it can surely be time to tap an iv...Ouch! Shot to the heart.

Again, I think we all look for "love" and the Best part of TM and I is surely the friendship and respect..lots of other great stuff, yes, but that is truly what has made this relationship 'different'. Lots of men/women say they Do want that...but he walks the walk.

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:21am

I just didn't understand what you meant about women that slept with someone on the first date. why they are broken up? I don't think that people breaking up all over the country is in direct relation to when they chose to sleep with someone.

I agree with you by the way about waiting for sex, but sometimes people go in the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:10am
LOL...so funny and SO true. I printed this out and taped it to my bathroom mirror:)
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 2:11pm

Some of these I agreed with; some I disagreed with. I thought Rule #3 was a hoot--"crapping a watermelon". Yeah, that doesn't draw anyone to want to know you better.

I disagree about the cats. I have 2, and so far, I have not found a guy who disliked them enough (or was allergic) to where that made any difference. I would probably avoid dating a guy who was allergic to them or couldn't stand them. They don't have to love them, but they do have to tolerate them and realize that they are important to me.

I think some of the rules about being approachable and being willing to get out of the house and be seen has a lot of truth to it. I have one friend who is in her late 40's. She has not dated in about 20 years or more (not making this up). She goes to work, church, the store and that is about it. She seldom ever deviates from her routine "schedule" of things. She has often made the comment that if "God" wanted her to have someone, He would arrange it and make it happen. While I am not as strong a Christian as she is, I have to believe that you have to make some effort on your own or God isn't just going to drop a man out of the sky. While I still have not met the right one yet, I don't have the illusion that if I sit home waiting for the phone to ring that eventually God will make him call or show up on my doorstep. (My trouble lies with the fact that I go a lot of places, know a lot of people, and have been willing to let friends/family set me up all to no avail.) :(

I think people who are grossly overweight know that they aren't going to attract a lot of decent looking men. How can they be appealing to someone else if they aren't happy with how they look to themselves? I'm not saying that most people wouldn't like to change something about themselves, but being 100 pounds overweight is not attractive, and it's not healthy. I see dozens of women (and men) daily who are terribly out of shape. What's more, I see a number of high school aged girls with the same problem. Only difference is most of their friends look the same way, and they are all wearing the tight-fitting skimpy clothing their thinner friends are wearing. They don't seem to care what they look like. As they get older, the problem will only get worse. I have to work to keep weight off. I owe this to anyone who might be interested in me and to myself as well.

Lastly, you need to realize that women of all ages can play by the rules and STILL get very burned by a guy who appears to be a "nice guy", who appears to not be a player or user. I've seen it happen numerous times. It's happened to me several times. And that baggage of emotion is not easily just left along the side of the road. You become a LOT more cautious with dealing with men. You trust less and less because you've been fooled before. No one wants to have their emotions played with--no one. It's happened to me online as well as in real life. Maybe you need to list what to look for in a man who is a player but doesn't appear to be at first. If you have some hidden rule book, I'm sure we'd all like to read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 3:34pm
I agree with #19, I can't read signals at all. Evan when the girls spread their legs with no underwear for me, I don't know for sure if it is for me or the guy next to me.
if they don't tell me then I am just confused!

Pages