Dating Toolkit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Dating Toolkit
15
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:38pm

Dating Toolkit

Hi everyone,

I thought it would be good to share some dating tools you apply while dating on line or off. Maybe you’re like me, have had a few relationships that you hoped would go the long mile hence it didn’t therefore you go back out there. Maybe date a few questionable guys, perhaps slip and listen to their words vs. actions and think, ugh, how did I let that happen only to live and hopefully LEARN from it.

Maybe we can help eachother out when were dating.

Recently I dated a guy (nothing serious) that had horrible time management repeatedly even after I asked him 5 times, I finally told him it wasn’t going to work and wrote him off. He said he’d call at noon and would call 7PM the same night we had the date and show up LATE by an HOUR – this was a pattern, didn’t have any respect for my time, the man was 41 and a single father hence age really is just a number—also didn’t make reservations so we’d end up eating at 10 PM at night – not good, ha! I think all 5 dates this happened, scratching my head on this one but hey, NEXT ;-)

(I am certain about what I want from a relationship, and I am certain about what I am willing to give. One of the obvious is respect. It's huge on my list of qualities and I have come to expect it from a potential lifemate. This is nonnegotiable. I am a woman of action. I say, I do ... I have complete follow through. If "something comes up" or if I am unsure about something, you'll get a call from me, It is guaranteed. If my phone doesn't work, you'll get an e-mail. If my e-mail doesn't work, I'll send you a smoke signal ... But I WON'T leave you hanging.)

So, if something isn’t right in the beginning cut it off, it won’t improve. If they use futuristic talks when they don’t know you RUN FOR THE HILLS, trust me on this one.

The key I think is going in with no expectations, let them earn your trust over TIME (no short cuts) – you can be optimistic but realize that this person you meet on date one, two or three may be completely different on date 10 this way you won’t be disappointed and if they are that person well that bonus right?

Any of you see therapists? Do they have any tips to dating – love to hear!

Thanks,
SP

 
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:51pm

I have a wonderful therapist and he's going to help me a great deal through this dating stuff so I can get it right this time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:04pm


Don't sleep w/ the guy right away no matter what he says some guys have a rule of 3 dates to get you in bed.

REad mars venus on a date and learn about blowtorching. blowtorching is classic c'phobe behavior. I have also read a lot of books on c'phobes. they tend to fall fast irregardless of age/kids all that, and they say all the right things. They know what to say to women and some women fall for this repeatedly and they continue to get away w/it

don't let a guy dog you.. we all allow people to treat us a certain way. if you don't like how you are being treated, remain silent and walk away.. if they don't get the hint the first time walk away for good. Men know how to treat us and test us.. if we fail the test they will treat us the way we let them treat us. if we don't allow it they will either respect us or move on to someone else that will let them dawg them.

trust/respect.. it takes a while to earn trust. don't easily let someone win your trust so fast w / a few simple words and a few nice dinners.. it takes a while to trust someone not saying we shouldn't open ourselves up. but key is balance , remain a bit mysterious , open up slowly building trust overtime. eventually you will know how much/or who you want to reveal yourself to. who is worthy of your trust.

we never know someone completely it takes a while

a man that moves fast is not healthy. think about it. would you fall for a guy in 2 days?? what do you really know about him?

a r'ship that grows overtime slowly open each petal of the flower is one that allows us to be real.

don't romanticize build the guy up based on money, looks... otherwise you may ignore the red flags..

a dog comes in all shapes and sizes..

remember MAn drives the CAR but women put on the brakes (meaning you control how fast/slow the r'ship goes and when you will do what you want to do..the man can drive but you steer/brake when needed)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:34am

Hi SP,

One good thing is: as you date on OLD, you begin to fine tune that list of what you want/don't want/"he** no I cannot tolerate for One second more!"

I think one of my main criteria, and I have found it with TM, is "BE treated the way I treat someone." Mutual respect, caring, loving..Most of all, that before this Man is even late, he calls me, on his way here, to Tell me he has left 10 minutes late and Might be late...omg, that is Just what I would have done!

So, while oppostes may attract ( He is Math, I am art..there, we took care of that!)when it comes to the basics of How you are to be treated, you want someone who is Very much like yourself! The problem comes in when someone does not seek that same level of respect and caring, and then you 'settle'...Danger, Will Robinson, headed to the Sith side..Run, Forrest, Run.

and, of course...Ding! Next!

Keep on moving til someone gives you Great reason to slow down. There is someone out there that wil Greatly appreciate the Wonderful, respectful woman you are!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:02am


and i forgot a big one.

CONSISTENCY.. AND WORDS FOLLOWED BY ACTIONS. NEVER take words alone, words mean nothing it is the actions that follow the words... always live by that rule. watch someones actions and never believe what they say, believe what they do as you it's fact!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:42am

Rosema1-


Wow-That is the best advice I have ever heard.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:06pm

thank you!!

and your welcome..

i have lived and learned myself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:55am
One thing my therapist has told me that comes to mind is...don't sleep with him until you've been on at least 10 dates. (I have yet to get that far but will remember this advice when/if the time comes! ;o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 12:07pm

I think the idea behind having a set number of dates is that it forces you to wait a set amount of time, which can be good if you really have trouble waiting to have sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:23pm
I think you're right about it being an objective rule of thumb. I know I can easily lose my mind temporarily during that lust stage and mistake it for love. An objective guideline would be helpful for me in that sense, I think. I've also heard people on this board say they wait a certain period of time, such as 2 months. Same kind of thing. I think any kind of objective measurement, rather than my subjective judgement which might be impaired (ya think?:o), would/will help me pace myself more sensibly for the long haul. Does that make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:32pm

I get what you are saying.

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