Dating Toolkit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Dating Toolkit
15
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:38pm

Dating Toolkit

Hi everyone,

I thought it would be good to share some dating tools you apply while dating on line or off. Maybe you’re like me, have had a few relationships that you hoped would go the long mile hence it didn’t therefore you go back out there. Maybe date a few questionable guys, perhaps slip and listen to their words vs. actions and think, ugh, how did I let that happen only to live and hopefully LEARN from it.

Maybe we can help eachother out when were dating.

Recently I dated a guy (nothing serious) that had horrible time management repeatedly even after I asked him 5 times, I finally told him it wasn’t going to work and wrote him off. He said he’d call at noon and would call 7PM the same night we had the date and show up LATE by an HOUR – this was a pattern, didn’t have any respect for my time, the man was 41 and a single father hence age really is just a number—also didn’t make reservations so we’d end up eating at 10 PM at night – not good, ha! I think all 5 dates this happened, scratching my head on this one but hey, NEXT ;-)

(I am certain about what I want from a relationship, and I am certain about what I am willing to give. One of the obvious is respect. It's huge on my list of qualities and I have come to expect it from a potential lifemate. This is nonnegotiable. I am a woman of action. I say, I do ... I have complete follow through. If "something comes up" or if I am unsure about something, you'll get a call from me, It is guaranteed. If my phone doesn't work, you'll get an e-mail. If my e-mail doesn't work, I'll send you a smoke signal ... But I WON'T leave you hanging.)

So, if something isn’t right in the beginning cut it off, it won’t improve. If they use futuristic talks when they don’t know you RUN FOR THE HILLS, trust me on this one.

The key I think is going in with no expectations, let them earn your trust over TIME (no short cuts) – you can be optimistic but realize that this person you meet on date one, two or three may be completely different on date 10 this way you won’t be disappointed and if they are that person well that bonus right?

Any of you see therapists? Do they have any tips to dating – love to hear!

Thanks,
SP

 
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:37pm

I think a lot of us (not all) are the same way. Heck, it’s like a drug that grandiose stage – it feels amazing doesn’t it? But that’s not the reality of it. My thing is, I’d like to enjoy it, still get excited but keeping it “real” that this person maybe be different in 10 dates then he is on the first 2, 3, 4 or 5 (not a game, that is just reality)– the more we go out the more they become themselves. The last guy I dated 5 times, perfect example. We met and we were both instantly attracted (my bad, focusing too much on the physical) and we had fun & boy I was dreaming about him and kissing him. The second date I saw a tiny red flag (told me we were going to one place then took me to another w/out consulting me and didn’t make a reservation, waited 45 minutes to eat, sorry but in the beginning you need to plan etc when you’re courting someone). Then it got worse with the time management on date three, four and five was the icing when I wrote him off. Now looking back I think “what was I thinking” and besides he wasn’t that interesting – I carried on most of the conversation so long term wise he would not have been a good match – don’t overlook important character traits like this, so easy to do.

In other words, maybe you’re a romantic like me, don’t want to go by logic all the time, want to enjoy those feelings but from experience we realize (yes exceptions to most rules but we are not the exception) that it does take time. Think of all your friendships, you don’t meet a new friend male or female and start hanging out with him or her twice a week & make them your new best friend, no you do things slowly – dating should be the same way & you shouldn’t make some new guy your new relationship out the gate—I’ve done it, we all have hence why I posted this so we can support and share ideas of how to keep it real. Besides the right guy will go at your pace so don’t worry about the guy saying you shouldn’t go by rules or timelines and trying to push you – if he questions that dump him.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:52pm

Hi-This raises an issue that my girlfriends and I were discussing the other day.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 2:01pm

I was debating this same topic Jodie with another member on the board. We’re not in HS anymore, why can’t we enjoy the sex. However if your like me your hoping the next person you sleep with may be your last, ha. Yes, sex is important but lets say I sleep with Joe Doe on date three – then we break up on date 6 – had I waited I would feel better that I didn’t have another notch under my bed post (I think it’s the opposite for us women). Yes there are men in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s that are players – sorry but age is just a number, you’re not experienced because you have lived, you’re experienced because you have lived and LEARNED. I’ve been played by men in their 30’s and 40’s – this is my experience typing at yeah, ha! I know way too many men in their late 40’s and 50’s that are immature in many regards.

I think it’s wise to wait at least more than a handful of dates to see if you have the friendship down—sex is easy, relationships are hard and trust is earned not given. How well do you know these men you’re sleeping with? Can you tell them your most innermost thoughts, do you still question things they do or say, and are there red flags? Then you shouldn’t be sleeping with them, why put your life on the line (were not talking protection but things happen with strangers) –do you really know this man?

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 2:04pm

I'll wait for the new thread to post my response then :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:41pm

Well, I can tell you that I'm 49. Was married for 20 years. Have been divorced for one. I think it can apply at any age(keeping in mind that everyone's different). I haven't dated much since my divorce but back in my 20s I know I slept with them way too early. Then the relationship was about sex more than anything else. It didn't give us the opportunity to get to know one another on a friendship level first. If I could go back in time and change one thing about my dating patterns I would have waited a lot longer than my typical 2 or 3 dates. So....now in my old age ;o) I'm thinking I just don't want it to be all about the sex at first. (Not that I don't miss sex! :o)

Please remind me of this when I fall head over heels in lust!!! :o)

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