Deal breakers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Deal breakers
18
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:30am

Tobi's post seemed to raise a few questions in regards to how someone else made her feel abandoned. That was a strong emotion to feel and in the situation I feel it was the right emotion. This post isn't to rehash that but to debate what exactly are deal breakers?

In my life I have had some painful situations with men and have ultimately promised myself that I would spare myself that pain ever again. Sure makes dating difficult at best but I suffer from Neuropathy and have to contain my stress level. I have explained a few times on this board my history with being abandoned and I know, as I mentioned just a few times here, that I bail very quickly if I start to feel vulnerable. Wrong? Maybe.

In my opinion I am a valuable woman who deserves to be treated with respect. Having the patience to play games isn't in my day to day routine so maybe my deal breakers are different than others. But using Tobi's situation as an example she indicated how she felt and that is a painful emotion and one in my life that I choose not to ignore and make nice with someone because they will do it again. There was little thought to her feelings only what is going to work for him at the time. Do we not deserve better than this??? Are we not phenomenal women (and men) that should expect only the best possible treatment from someone. (I also use these same rules in my friendships and ultimately my family relationships). Sure it weeds out the riff raff but do I really need those negative toxic people in my life?

So my question is are we really looking close enough at the people we date to really weed out the toxic ones and only open our hearts up to the ones who will treat us all like Queens (or Kings) that we deserve to be treated like? Is this too simple an approach to all of this??

This is a friendly debate topic only. I have no negative intent just some soul searching for us all. I am the first to admit that maybe I'm not doing it right either. If I thought that I was would I be here?

Fluffy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:49am

Don't take this the wrong way and I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences (however, 99% of us on OLD have been in your shoes in one way or another). However, you really need to chill (loosen up). If you go into a relationship with all these expecations of how HE is supposed to be behave you will be constantly disapointed. We're all human and none of us act the same way.

Yes, we all deserve to be treated good. When you take two adult individuals who had lives before they met and dated other people you will have different ways of handling things. So you have to communicate not demand, not blow the torch and get all upset. One thing that might upset YOU would not upset ME. Maybe Joe Bloe dated a Peanut in the past and this past situation was not a big deal as the Peanut herself completley relates to wanting a good nights sleep. Then he meets a fluffydiva and she doesn't GET why he has to leave. There are a million people in the world and what might affect YOU would not affect the majority. With that said you need to take a deep breath and not read so much INTO it.

Relationships are work - it's also tolerance, compromisise and being able to choose your battles wisely. If I was a guy and dated you I'd run for the hills (not mean to hurt you) if you acted all sensitive to one insident w/out giving the guy some TIME to come around. He's not some bastard that treats women like crapl, they dated 8 times, he was tired and wanted his z's (first night over, could not for the life of him fall asleep, left a note NOT to wake her) - hey, I GET IT, not a big deal, really. If it's meant to be between them they have their whole lives to sleep in together and get breakfast the next day. I had one BF I dated a while who gave me crap in a FUN/MOCKING way, like oh, Peanut is like a guy, used me for sex and leaves in the middle of the night. Eventually I got used to his bed, was able to sleep and did stay the night. See, give people some time.

So with deal breakers it's individual. I personally believe it should be big i.e. smoker, different values (whatever). All relationships will have bumps - this was BUMP not a deal breaker.

Learn to relax, not read so much into things and give people a little more understanding and faith by talking to them. If you jump into a relationship and the first sign he doesn't do exactly has you envisioned you run instead of communicating (and being COOL about it, not over reacting) you'll have far better results in the long run.

Hope i didn't offend; just wanted to give you my honest opinion from reading your posts.

Ms. Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:04am

"There was little thought to her feelings"


I disagree with that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:12am

No offense taken at all. As I said I am open to learn that I am too sensitive but I do want to say that I am not all keyed up around the men that I date...anymore. I have learned that they aren't always going to do what I desire and am much more open to the nuances that make each of them individuals. I do step back with men at this point but to be perfectly honest I could smother a man like no other in my younger days.

I think I learned to be more laid back when I did get sick and had to budget my negative/positive energy around me. I can't spend it all on a man. And maybe my life is good the way it is and at 46 the possibility of finding someone is close to impossible with my expectations so I can finally relax and enjoy men the way they deserve. Who knows.

Thanks so much for the response and the thoughts.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:18am

No offense taken at all. But can I remind you that you cut and paste my quote and it clearly said..."I feel". I can't speak for others and how they feel and how they should feel I can only comment on what I think and feel.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:43am

great post. and JMHO here..

I agree w/ other posters but also we come to this board and to our friends to rationalize things out. It obviously bothered Tobi but she also needed to know if her feeligs were valid, and yes they were, but also if she was overreacting and should she let it roll because based on her PAST experiences this had maybe never happened to her before or if it did it was a "negative" experience, therefore maybe that negative experience overruled everything she had built in 8 dates w/ this guy and him fleeing felt very hurtful..

but as i have gotten older I have also learned somethings we do have to just roll and feel it out and see what happens overtime and work through the uncertainty. if we just run due to past experiences and comparing someone to someone else or becasue they should do what we think we may miss out on our Prince...

but again dealbreakers to me are the lieing, cheating, drug abuse..not respectful or trustworthy.

i have a few others, like a man has to want to have kids and has to be open to learning and valuing my opinion.. and others.. but those are personal dealbreakers.
i think this is not a dealbreaker UNLESS it continues to happen and he doesn't hear her out but then that Dealbreaker= IS RESPECT AND COMMUNICATION FOR ANOTHER PERSON - NOT THE FACT THAT HE LEFT HER A NOTE WHEN HE LEFT.. it's the fact he didn't respect her feelings or opinion on the matter..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:58am

I think there are some definite "deal breakers" in relationships; ones that most everyone would agree would be splitsville if they happened. I keep thinking of Dr. Phil and his "deal breakers".

1. I think first and foremost is a guy who claims exclusivity with you and then you find out he's dating someone else--cheating is NOT acceptable, not if you're married, not if you're dating, not ever. If you no longer have feelings for the one you're with, get out of it before you start dating again. That goes for women as well as men.

2. Someone with a substance abuse problem is a deal breaker. Most generally, you tend to find that out before you're too serious with someone, but sometimes people get caught up with someone before they realize how bad their problem is. Nothing but heartache with someone who is an alcoholic or drug abuser. Same for someone who is addicted to gambling.

3. Someone is a perpetual "liar". My sister has a good friend who is married to someone like this. Of course, you never know when they're telling the truth, and if they have any of the other problems listed above, they will lie about it, more than likely. But there are some people who lie when there is no real gain in lying. Decide early on if someone is honest and trustworthy. If you feel there are red flags or their story doesn't add up, do some investigating work. If they lie over things that shouldn't make a difference, how likely are they to lie about things that might make them look bad?

4. This last deal breaker is up close and personal for me, and maybe other women handle this character flaw better than I do. It is that tired old story about men leading women on. Acting interested when they aren't. I think men know when they're not interested in someone long-term, and I think some are quite capable of hiding that fact until they work up their nerve to end things or take the coward's way out and simply "ghost" on someone. I don't want a guy to act all "ga ga" over me if he isn't seriously interested in me. By the 3rd or 4th date, they should know one way or the other. Leading someone on is the ultimate in game-playing; it's phoniness at its worst. I detest people who are phony and try to turn on the charm when that is actually nothing like their real personality. I don't tolerate it in friendships with people, and I won't tolerate it in a dating relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:00pm

This post isn't to rehash that but to debate what exactly are deal breakers?

***My dealbreakers are bad teeth (petty I know), lying, cheating, lack of respect for elders and women mainly, men with control issues

I have explained a few times on this board my history with being abandoned and I know, as I mentioned just a few times here, that I bail very quickly if I start to feel vulnerable. Wrong? Maybe.

***Not wrong but know that it's you that isn't "trying" if you are bailing everytime you feel vulnerable then it's something you need to work on. Abandonment issues are usually best worked out in counseling.

In my opinion I am a valuable woman who deserves to be treated with respect.

***Of course we all do

Having the patience to play games isn't in my day to day routine so maybe my deal breakers are different than others. But using Tobi's situation as an example she indicated how she felt and that is a painful emotion and one in my life that I choose not to ignore and make nice with someone because they will do it again. There was little thought to her feelings only what is going to work for him at the time. Do we not deserve better than this???

***Well we all have different dealbreakers, I personally felt he was being respectful of her, he couldn't sleep, instead of waking her up (he didn't know she was awake) he left and left her a nice note explaining why and said he would talk to her later, and DID. Some people consider the fact he left a note as very thoughtful, he didn't just leave after she immediately fell asleep and slink away. I would never think of waking someone up to say goodbye to them, I would kiss them on the cheek probably and leave a note.

Are we not phenomenal women (and men) that should expect only the best possible treatment from someone. (I also use these same rules in my friendships and ultimately my family relationships). Sure it weeds out the riff raff but do I really need those negative toxic people in my life?

***Well I guess if you consider someone that left a note rather than disturb you while you slept as a negative toxic person then okay. We do deserve to be treated well, but you have to choose your battles, if you shut the door on everyone for one little indescretion you best be perfect yourself

So my question is are we really looking close enough at the people we date to really weed out the toxic ones and only open our hearts up to the ones who will treat us all like Queens (or Kings) that we deserve to be treated like? Is this too simple an approach to all of this??

***I know what my dealbreakers are, when I start seeing them rear their ugly heads, I cut it off at the pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:14pm

Good for you. You sound like a strong woman with definite ideas about what is "your" dealbreakers. I would guess that each specific dealbreaker was born from previous experience and are unlike anyone else's.

Nice response!!

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:17pm
Most physical deal breakers probably have immediate effect. But what if you were extremely attracted to your partner? Would you immediately break the deal? People seem to find an excuse for everything they do and the people who love them tolerate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:27pm

I don't expect perfection...actually I love the differences in people which I learned when I became a gimpy old fat woman sometime in the year 2001. I love men who adore me even with my wobbly fat legs and my compromised balance and coordination. I have learned real quick to NOT expect perfection as a matter of fact. Can't expect it if I can't give it back.

Fluffy

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