Deal breakers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Deal breakers
18
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:30am

Tobi's post seemed to raise a few questions in regards to how someone else made her feel abandoned. That was a strong emotion to feel and in the situation I feel it was the right emotion. This post isn't to rehash that but to debate what exactly are deal breakers?

In my life I have had some painful situations with men and have ultimately promised myself that I would spare myself that pain ever again. Sure makes dating difficult at best but I suffer from Neuropathy and have to contain my stress level. I have explained a few times on this board my history with being abandoned and I know, as I mentioned just a few times here, that I bail very quickly if I start to feel vulnerable. Wrong? Maybe.

In my opinion I am a valuable woman who deserves to be treated with respect. Having the patience to play games isn't in my day to day routine so maybe my deal breakers are different than others. But using Tobi's situation as an example she indicated how she felt and that is a painful emotion and one in my life that I choose not to ignore and make nice with someone because they will do it again. There was little thought to her feelings only what is going to work for him at the time. Do we not deserve better than this??? Are we not phenomenal women (and men) that should expect only the best possible treatment from someone. (I also use these same rules in my friendships and ultimately my family relationships). Sure it weeds out the riff raff but do I really need those negative toxic people in my life?

So my question is are we really looking close enough at the people we date to really weed out the toxic ones and only open our hearts up to the ones who will treat us all like Queens (or Kings) that we deserve to be treated like? Is this too simple an approach to all of this??

This is a friendly debate topic only. I have no negative intent just some soul searching for us all. I am the first to admit that maybe I'm not doing it right either. If I thought that I was would I be here?

Fluffy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:33pm

My physical dealbreakers have changed too. I am more lenient of people's warts than I was before. If I was extremely attracted to someone regardless I would go for it.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:57pm
First of all let me say that everyone here has made some excellent points about db's.
I'm like you Fluffy, I'm a very sensitive person also who has also had a painful past with
men. I'm always on the lookout for db's, but I also have a strong, pragmatic nature as well, so if I see behavior that's not so great, I call him out on it right away. If he's comfortable with discussing it and reaching a compromise, that in itself will yield good results and ease my concerns, however if he balks, red flag ! Sometimes we do get early warning signs and ignore them or rationalize them. In my older, wiser years I have gotten better at the weeding out process. The key is to be able to rationally decifer potential db's from honest mistakes, it's what I strive for. I try not to sweat the small stuff, and always look at the big picture. As a friend used to always advise me: "Picture it in the grand scheme of things of what's important to you" and let that be your deciding factor.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:06pm
Yes, you did say "I feel" as a preface to "it was the right emotion," but perhaps what you were trying to convey is that "if I were in her situation, I'd feel the same way"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:41pm

Isn't that assumed? No one here seriously needs to preface every single opinion with "If I were in her situation..."

Be fair here. We all state our opinions and it's clear it's just our thoughts.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 2:17pm
No, it wasn't assumed, and no, it wasn't clear to me that it was just your opinion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 3:18pm

Whew so glad you cleared that up for me. NOT.

You sure wear your heart on your sleeve for me Stacey. But respect that I have strong opinion and leave me be.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 3:27pm
OUCH!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:24pm

Ok folks... breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Let's not take it to this level. There was a miscommunication, it was cleared up. No need to make it more personal than it was.


Thanks ya'll!


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