Dealing w/ a Know-It-All Friend, part 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Dealing w/ a Know-It-All Friend, part 2
5
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:56am

Okay, I had originally posted on Life in the 30's... but there's an internet component to this story. Over Thanksgiving, I met someone through my brother-in-law in Boston. (I live in Chicago), his first cousin Jared. We hit it off and hung out over the holiday. By Sunday night (I was leaving on Monday) I had called my friend Mike, who I was supposed to hang out with on Monday before I left.

Mike met in college and we recently reunited and started talking again after a ten year absence. When he met his now ex-wife, he dropped all of his friends. Mike is a really nice guy, but is about 300 lbs., and is not attractive. He seems to drop people when he meet a woman. Mike had recently met a woman on OLD and within months was talking marriage even though he originally had stated that due to his daughter he would take his time with dating women. So, now he is about to propose any day now after knowing this woman for 5 months. Fine, that's his life, and I respect that.

Last year Mike had come with me to Thanksgiving and we had both met Jared prior, but Jared thought I was dating Mike (which I wasn't, but I was dating someone else at home) so he never made a move on me.

Sunday night I call Mike to tell him that I have been hanging out with Jared and can he pick me up at his place instead. Mike went OFF about Jared and said "he was BAD news"--- so of course he freaks me out--- when I press what he means by this--- he tells me that "he is egotistical, greedy and selfish"--- no hard core facts--- he won't give me names of these women or what happened--- but tells me because two women said this--- it must be true! He then tells me NOT to date Mike and I am wasting my time! Pretty bold!!!

Funny thing was I had been telling Mike the week before of some guy I thought was pyscho--- an OLD guy who I had never given my picture and he had never seen mine. He called me (no joke!) 22 times--- the first 3 I was receptive, but after that it just freaked me out! This guy would call me several times a day, not leave a message and act like we were friends when he did leave one. I never returned a single call. Finally I told him on Saturday (when I did answer the phone) to STOP calling me.

Now since Thanksgiving, I have been talking with Jared and things have been going well and we made plans to see each other. Mike won't let up that I am making a mistake (my brother-in-law thinks this guy is GREAT) and continues to try to find things to "prove" that Jared is a "bad" guy. Jared has NO idea who Mike is talking about and has never seen him out and about. Mike keeps telling me that "part of the reason I am single is because I don't give guys like pyscho guy I chance--- and the guy is just being persistent and there is nothing wrong with that."

First, I can't believe that Mike thinks that I have poor judgment! Secondly, I am really getting sick of him making comments about Jared! What do I say to Mike--- everytime I keep telling him things are going well --- he keeps saying "Well I hope for your sake it works out, but I still think I am RIGHT about Jared." so condenscending!!!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:24pm

One thing I learned thru experience, reading, and from some workshops is that all judgment is SELF judgment. What we see in others comes from within. We cannot really get worked up about something unless it in ourselves. Jung and his shadow work talks about this.

On a practical level, my friends are those people who do not give me unsolicited advice. If I want to hear what they think of my dates/partner/other friends then I will ask them but I tend to keep my friends compartmentalize. I do not have people in my life who are so negatively judgmental.

If you are asking for a way to communicate with Mike, then have you tried just telling him you do not care to hear about what he thinks about Jared? Why do you share that part of your life with Mike knowing he saying things that you don't want to hear? I would examine that part about yourself.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:29pm

So let me get this straight...Mike wants you to drop Jared, who seems to be normal and you get along well, and give someone who you call "the psycho guy" a chance?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:27pm

Funny, that you yourself are so quick to judge and assume the worst. To be honest, since I don't live in the same city as Mike, I have never have this situation come up in our relationship. I was trully taken off guard because I have never heard such criticism from him about anyone I dated, but also he's never met anyone I've dated.

Secondly, obviously you didn't read it closely, because I stopped telling him anything about this relationship--- he seems to want to know and I continue to give no details other than everything is fine.

I came asking on this board for advice--- if all you can assume is the WORST about someone and that they make poor decisions, well, then that says something about how you perceive people. I don't keep negative people in my life--- but again, until this situation I didn't have negative thoughts about Mike, now I do question him. Please, plenty of people have had friends that when something new occurs in the relationship--- some of them aren't the people we thought they were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:44pm

Stacy,

Thanks for your post. Yes, I wonder why he did that too--- and even though I have REPEATEDLY told him I am happy--- he still tries to pick. Its REALLY annoying and destructive and I have to figure out how to handle it--- that's again why I asked for advice.

As for "pyscho guy" from the get-go things didn't seem right. He called me repeatedly from the beginning (4 times, most late at night) and then questioned me where I was on a Friday night he called me? As if I had a relationship with him? He then called me an additional 19 times--- none of which any of those calls were returned--- and none of which were even answered--- most showed up on my caller ID and the guy left a few voice mails. Trully creepy from a guy I had never met, never shown a picture, never even had a decent conversation with.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:04pm
I agree with Stacey. As long as you are doing what is best for you and what you feel makes you happy and is right, that's all that matters. It sounds like you have been doing that though. I'm not sure what to say about Mike except let him know how much it bothers you when he makes comments about Jared to the point where you are questioning your friendship with him. If you haven't already told him before. If you have told him before then maybe I would take a step back from the friendship, as long as he knows how annoying it is to you and how important it is to you that he stops bringing up negative things about Jared. True friends will not make the other person feel bad especially after the other person has told them that they are being bothered by those negative comments. It does sound like there is a bit of jealousy on his part.