Death in the family

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Death in the family
9
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:21pm

You probably remember from my posts that I was chatting with a guy I met thru OLD and we hit it off but then he had to leave to another country... he came back once for a week and then went to where he works. It is been 2 months I havent seen him. we were in touch through messenger though not much. He just messaged me to tell his mom passed away last week and that he is in town. I feel so sorry for him and I really like the guy and want to meet him except it feels awkward to be around him when he is this sad. I mean we are not BF/GF or not even official dating. We just went out couple of time together and knew there is a potential if he was living here.
So now I dont know how to deal with this.
Do you think I should be around and hang out with him all my free time or should I give him more space and just go out with him for a drink. He is staying for a while in town. He said he will call me as soon as he gets in my city this Sat night(his mom's house is 9 hours away from where I live) but I m really worried about jumping into relationship mindset just because he is sad and vulnerable and I m feeling so much petty for him

Any thoughts? I really like him but I ve never had such an experience

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 6:58am

Just because of the situation, I would let him lead. Let him know that you're here for him and to let him know if there's anything you can do. If he asks to go out, then go. I would not make a plan. Losing a parent can be devastating so I would not put pressure on him to date, etc.


Hope this helps.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:17pm
You hardly know this guy so dropping your life to spend all your free time with him is neither prudent nor realistic. Let him know that he has your support and if he needs anything to let you know and then drop it. If he wants to hang out with you, he'll let you know. He may wish to spend time with his family, close friends or alone right now so let him dictate whether any of that time is with you or not.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 12:12am
he actually asked me if we could spend Sunday together. I m not worried whether he would want to see me. I m more worried about how to act when he is around. We went on maybe 8 - 10 dates, had casual sex few times and knew each other for 4 months, but he was in town only 2 months of the 4. We kept chatting and he said something about moving here for good. He usually stays here between April and Sept. so there is a chance we get to know each other better and then decide if things can be more serious...
So I dont want to sound superficial but on all dates we ve been together we were having fun adn joking and taking things lightly. Now I first of all feel that he is a stranger again (kuz I havent seen him in 2 months) also I dont know how to deal with someone I dont know very well who is around me and grieving a parent! I would like to help obviously but I would like to keep myself from getting too involved and also from looking insensitive. so any suggestions what to do? my friend suggested that I just ask him to come over and watch a movie with him and not ask him any questions and just chill and see if he would like to talk about it. just basically be there but not talking about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 4:48pm
Ask him what he'd like to do and let him make a suggestion. At the beginning, guage his mood to see if he is still happy and upbeat or if he's a bit more down and quiet. If I were you, I'd just say that I was sorry to hear about his mother and that if he needed to talk about it, to let me know and then let it drop if he doesn't. If he does, just let him talk and be supportive.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:48am
Regardless of the fact that this man is going through a stressful time, I see he is very much interested in taking the time and effort to keep this relationship going. He may not want your pity or your sympathy. What he might want to do more than anything is to have a wonderful positive day with a woman that he likes very much. I am sure he can come up with something fun to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:21am
Is this the weekend you were getting together? If so, how did things go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 2:41pm

I'm new to this board but happened upon your situation because I recently lost a parent. I'm an online dater and could maybe give you some insight from the other side of the situation.

My first question is this: Is this person of importance and value to you? If so, extend your hand in an effort to show your compassion and condolence. Don't be afraid to tell him that you're not sure how to comfort him but you want him to know that you are willing to 'be there' for him. No matter what he's going through, he will appreciate the offer and he may or may not take you up on your offer. The mere fact that you have courage to summon the words for his grief should be enough. He will either be ready or not to talk about his pain. Either way, you'll have bridged the connection to his heart.

If he is not a person you want to pursue a relationship with, and I know it's hard to tell when you haven't spent much time with him in the past, let him know you're deeply sorry for his loss and just be honest with him.

I cannot stress the fact enough that you do NOT need to worry about how to 'be around someone' who is grieving. In my situation, I found some of my dearest friends avoiding me and I didn't know why. They weren't there for me-didn't reach out and didn't call. I've decided that those people are not my true friends and I've not spent any time with them since. My true friends showered me with love and affection.
One of my best friends said, many times, that she didn't know what I was going through but she could only imagine how it would be and that she wished she could take it away from me. THAT, to me, meant so much to my grieving heart. I didn't want anyone to hurt as I did, I just needed (and still do) lots of hugs.

Hope this helps in some small way.
Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 6:54pm
just an update.
I went out for lunch with my sister's family and thought he would call me around 2:00 - 3:00 since his plane was delayed and just got here this Sunday morning from his mom's town. he did not call so I had a meet with a friend till 5:00 and then came home. I tried to call him at 6:00 but he did not pick up. I did not leave a message. I thought if he feels like calling he would call when he sees my number or if he is not in the mood he can skip since a missed call without a message doesnt have to be returned.
So he has not called yet. My guess is he does not feel like being around anyone perhaps.
I understand so I wont call him again for the next few days. but I m not sure I should call him after that because I dont think loosing a parent is an easy thing to heal it takes months before he is back to his real self.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:25pm

Just because